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The death of my father.

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  #1  
Old 01-11-2007, 12:03 AM
StephenDaedalus (Offline)
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Default The death of my father.


Whenever I hear that song, I think of Rachael. The bolod red wine and her dark brown sweatshirt.

Those sulky nights in Burlington, where the streets were empty and the night seemed to go on forever.

Chinese takeout food until 2 or 3 AM. The restaurants that were empty at the end of the day, and the lonliness. O the lonliness. O great God, the lonliness.

Now it is over, and I am old. I wasted all the years, 21, 22, 23......

I can't say exactly where everything in my life went wrong. All I can say is that I had an insane sense of duty. I got it from my father, and I was willing to die for it. I would rather die than complain. I died for my family. I died not doing what they didn't want me to do.

I am half my mother and half my father, so neither one of them seemed to understand me. I don't think I'll ever understand my father.

But I know that he killed me.

I showed up for high school having learned all of my parents' values. Be meticulously polite, don't cut someone off when they are speaking, and do the right thing, always.When these kids started smoking crack, burning themselves with cigarettes and killing little children, I was at a loss for words.
Surely my parents wouldn't send me anywhere that they themselves disapproved of.

This is where words fail me.

My father standing there, like a great giant, not speaking not doing, not anythinging. He was sort of a loss of a person, he was an un-person. He didn't say anything, he was the Great Silence. He showed me to internalize all of my pain.

I literally think my dad was insane. I didn't have a father.

My father was psychologically going to kill the whole family, and then, realizing what he had done, shrug his shoulders.

I can still see my father looking down at the ground, not really aware of what he had just done. My father was totally out of control.


Last edited by StephenDaedalus; 01-12-2007 at 06:09 PM..
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  #2  
Old 01-12-2007, 12:20 PM
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Hello StephenDaedalus,

I liked the concept of this piece, and the emotion involved is very attractive.

When the night seemed to go on forever. The night was endless
You specified that the night 'seemed to go on forever', no need for 'endless'.

Those sulky nights in Burlington. When the night seemed to go on forever. The night was endless, and the streets were empty.
Those sulky nights in Burlington, where the streets were empty and the night seemed to go on forever.

Chinese takeout food until 2 or 3 AM. The restaurants that were empty at the end of the day
How does the second sentence relate to the first one? You defined the main idea from the first sentence, so the second sentence must follow the same.

I would rather die than complain. I died for my family. I died not doing what they didn't want me to do.
Three blocks! Connect these three sentences together.

Be meticulously polite. Don't cut someone off when they are speaking. Do the right thing, always.
Be meticulously polite, don't cut someone off when they are speaking, and do the right thing, always.

When these kids started smoking crack, burning themselves with cigarettes and killing little children. I was at a loss for words.
Replace the period with a comma.

Surely my parents wouldn't send me anywhere that they themselves disapproved of.

This is where words fail me.
Link these two sentences with the previous paragraph.

not speaking not doing, not anythinging.
not speaking and not doing anything.

He was sort of a loss of a person. He was the un-person. He didn't say anything. He was the Great Silence. He showed me to internalize all of my pain.
Again: block.block.block.

Don't introduce the information, link it creatively. The three sentences above can be linked in two or three sentences.

He was sort of a loss of a person
He was sort of a loser of a person.

My father was psychologically going to kill the whole family, and then, realizing what he had done, shrug his shoulders.
My father was psychologically going to kill the whole family, but after realizing what he had done, he shrug his shoulders.

The story has a nice rhythm to it, but you can improve it by writing about the past of the family, and how things came to such problems.

Nice read.


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Old 01-12-2007, 06:10 PM
StephenDaedalus (Offline)
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Thanks very much, I made the changes. I appreciate the feedback.
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Old 01-17-2007, 07:07 AM
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Stephen, Great work! I feel your pain, and it reminds me of how disfuntional my family is/was. My father was the silence of judgement also. You did a fantastic job conveying your feelings. Since I felt what you were writing that equals success. Cordatus already posted the issues above, so all I want to say is Thanks.
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Old 01-26-2007, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Toyzrock View Post
Stephen, Great work! I feel your pain, and it reminds me of how disfuntional my family is/was. My father was the silence of judgement also. You did a fantastic job conveying your feelings. Since I felt what you were writing that equals success. Cordatus already posted the issues above, so all I want to say is Thanks.
Thanks, Toyzrock. I like it when I can connect with others. I feel, for ya man.


Peace.
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Old 01-26-2007, 09:51 PM
StephenDaedalus (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Cordatus View Post
Hello StephenDaedalus,

I liked the concept of this piece, and the emotion involved is very attractive.

You specified that the night 'seemed to go on forever', no need for 'endless'.

Those sulky nights in Burlington, where the streets were empty and the night seemed to go on forever.

How does the second sentence relate to the first one? You defined the main idea from the first sentence, so the second sentence must follow the same.

Three blocks! Connect these three sentences together.

Be meticulously polite, don't cut someone off when they are speaking, and do the right thing, always.

Replace the period with a comma.

Link these two sentences with the previous paragraph.

not speaking and not doing anything.

Again: block.block.block.

Don't introduce the information, link it creatively. The three sentences above can be linked in two or three sentences.

He was sort of a loser of a person.

My father was psychologically going to kill the whole family, but after realizing what he had done, he shrug his shoulders.

The story has a nice rhythm to it, but you can improve it by writing about the past of the family, and how things came to such problems.

Nice read.


Official Writer's Beat Critique by Cordatus
Thanks, Cordatus. I appreciate the critique. I am real busy, I'll see if I can get to those revisions.

I sort of feel, however that my creative interest in the piece is exhausted, though. It is a heavy piece.

I agree with all of the crits, and will definitely take them into consideration.
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Old 01-26-2007, 11:36 PM
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Glad I can be of help Stephen.
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Old 01-27-2007, 12:45 PM
StephenDaedalus (Offline)
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Thanks, I appreciate it.
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