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Right Where you Want Me

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  #1  
Old 12-17-2006, 06:43 PM
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Now this is the beginning of my story I'm writing. I also have few pages that will come later on in the story...but I have no idea how to pick the beginning up lol.



Eight-teen year old Lexi Turner walked into West Bay High School early Monday morning. The sun was just rising and the air was warm outside. Lexi looked around the huge lobby at all the returning and new students shuffling around trying to get their class schedules and get to first period. Lexi smiled and walked toward the auditorium where senior class schedules were held.
“Hey Lexi!” Jack Troy said walking over to Lexi.
“Hey Jack, happy to be back at school for the last year?”
“Yeah, I guess. We rule the school now though!” He said with a laugh.
Lexi smiled and also laughed. Jack was her best guy friend. They hung out all the time. Every month they went to the movies together just to have a night out.
Lexi walked over to the table and followed it until it she found her schedule for the year.
“Lexi!” A girl screeched from behind her.
Lexi spun around to find her best of all best friends standing before her.
“Lena, what’s your schedule like?” she asked as they made their way through all the students toward the dance studio.
“Well, I have dance first period, but I’m sure you knew that already.”
“Yeah, pretty much, anyways. I can’t believe were seniors this year. This is and has to be the best year ever!”
“You know it.”
“So, I guess the first thing we should worry about is Homecoming. I was thinking of going shopping sometime within the next few weeks…” Lexi said to her as they entered the dance studio.
“Yeah, that works; I’ll talk to my mom and see what weekend would be the best.”

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Old 12-18-2006, 07:23 PM
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This looks promising so far. It could go off in so many tangents; it really all depends on you.
Maybe you could have done with more description for a beginning to really set the scene. There is a bit too much dialogue for a start of a story. Still promising though.
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Old 05-03-2007, 02:24 PM
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CHANGES MADE HERE!!!

Here's an update on the beginning of the story...I changed some stuff and added some stuff in!


Right where you want me
By: Michelle Antoinette Baiocco King


Seven-teen-year-old Lexi Turner entered the double doors to West Bay high school early Monday morning. It was the end of August and the air outside was warm but crisp.
The school was packed with students that ranged from fourteen to eighteen. Students were either rushing around to get their class schedule for the year, or were standing in a circle catching up with their friends. Lexi was a senior this year. She, like most of the students, had four classes each semester. Lexi actually found herself eager for the start of the school; senior year was suppose to be amazing. She and her friends would rule the school.
In the middle of the lobby, stood a board that listed each class and where they should report to get their class schedule.
STUDENTS:
FRESHMEN: Cafeteria
SOPHOMORES: Cafeteria
JUNIORS: Auditorium
SENIORS: Auditorium
Lexi proceeded to the auditorium where she would probably spend most of the year due to her involvement in school plays.
As Lexi entered the auditorium, she noticed her fellow classmates, some of whom she hadn’t seen since her freshmen year, and some she’d seen just last year. Over to the left of the auditorium was a long table with stacks of paper. Lexi headed over and followed it until she found her name.
“Hey Lexi!” Jack Troy said walking over to her.
“Hey Jack!”
“Hey girl, what’s up?”
“Nothing much, happy to be back?”
“Heck yeah! Last year!”
Lexi smiled and also laughed. Jack was her best guy friend. They hung out all the time. Every month, they went to the movies together just to have a night out. Sometimes people thought they dated but they never did. They were just really good friends. Jack pretty much took care of Lexi at school. He wasn’t the biggest jock, and he wasn’t the smartest kid. He wasn’t skinny either. But he was a great fun guy who a lot of people just loved to hang out with. Lexi watched as Jack walked away toward a group of guys. He was pretty much friends with everyone.
“Lexi!” A girl screeched from behind her.
Startled, Lexi spun around to find her best friends standing before her. She was a thin person. Lena had brown hair and was a little bit taller then Lexi. She was into making things her own style. That’s what made her Lexi so close. They each had a similar style that was completely different then most high school students.
“Lena, what’s your schedule like?” she asked as they made their way through all the students toward the dance studio.
“Well, I have dance first period, but I’m sure you knew that already.”
“Yeah, pretty much, anyways. I can’t believe were seniors this year. This is supposed to be our busiest and most hard working year. Most people say it’s also the best year of their life. ”
“You know it.”
“So, I guess the first thing we should worry about is Homecoming. I was thinking of going shopping sometime within the next few weeks…” Lexi said to her as they entered the dance studio.
“Yeah, that works; I’ll talk to my mom and see what weekend would be the best.”

The day seemed short to Lexi, but she just figured that was because it was her first day as a senior. The end of the day arrived and that meant it was time to audition for the fall play. Lexi loved everything about theatre and acting; not surprisingly, she was considered a drama geek.
Lexi entered the theatre with her friends. She felt a wave of happiness as she entered. It felt wonderful to be back.
This year’s fall play was called You Can’t Take It with You. Lexi was so excited; she couldn’t wait until the auditions began. She was auditioning for the part of Alice.
Mrs. Gray walked into the theatre and smiled at all the familiar and new faces she saw. She was so proud that this many people came for the auditions.
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Last edited by AkinaTsuji; 05-10-2007 at 06:56 PM..
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Old 05-07-2007, 07:33 AM
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I know there is still a lot of dialogue for a beginning of a story, but I am still working on cutting that down some. It's just taking me time.
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Old 05-08-2007, 01:35 PM
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Seven-teen year old Lexi Turner
I've never seen Seven-teen year old. I believe it's usually seventeen-year-old, either way the teen-year-old should be hyphinated.

The school was packed with people of all ages.
All ages? Aren't most high school students at least 14? The statement is misleading and you don't really need it.

Lexi couldn’t wait for this year to start because it was suppose to be the best one yet.

Sounds a little childish.
Try: Lexi actually found herself eager for the start of the school; senior year was supposed to be amazing.

Her and her friends would rule the school.
"Her" generally comes after the verb--I can't remember the technical term for it. But, anyway, it should be "She and her friends" or "Her friends and she" (I think the latter is more accurate, but it sounds akward, so I'd go with the former). THe way to test is to take out the "her friends" bit and see if the sentence still makes sense.

In the middle of the lobby stood a board that listed each class and where they should report to get their class schedule.



Lexi proceeded to the auditorium which is where she would probably spend most of the year considering she loved to do the school plays.
Lexi proceeded to the auditorium where she would probably spend most of the year due to her involvement in school plays.

As Lexi entered the auditorium she noticed her fellow classmatesSome of whom she hadn’t seen since her freshmen year and some she'd seen just last year.

Over to the left of the auditorium was a long table with stacks of paper. Lexi headed over to the table and followed it until she found her name.

Table used twice in a row


Every month they went to the movies together just to have a night out.

Startled, Lexi spun around to find her best of all best friends standing before her.
JUst say best friend

She was a very thin person.
Just say she was thin.

“Yeah, pretty much, anyways. I can’t believe were seniors this year. This is and has to be the best year ever!”
"Best year ever" sounds childish

It must have been the first day happiness because the day went by all too fast for Lexi
akward

The end of the day arrived and that only meant one thing; auditions for the fall play. Lexi was a big drama geek as many people would say. She loved everything about the theatre and acting.
Try:
"The end of the day arrived and that ment it was time to audition for the fall play. Lexi loved everything about theatre and acting; not surprizingly, she was considered a drama geek.

Lexi entered the theatre and a lot of her friends joined her. It was nice to be back in the theatre since she was away from it all summer long.
Akward
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Old 05-08-2007, 02:34 PM
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Thanks so much! I'll make those changes right away.
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Old 05-10-2007, 06:56 PM
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CHANGES MADE! Check it out!!! ^^
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Old 05-11-2007, 12:23 PM
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It reads a lot more naturally now. I'm still not sure about the seventeen vs. seven-teen thing, but if you were to get this published, an editor/copyeditor could resolve that. I like the way you introduce people naturally, rather than interrupting the course of the story to do so.

Just one point: you discribe senior year as the "hardest working year." As far as I know, that's generally the discription of junior year, because that's the year colleges look at most and there's been a number of articles of late about how seniors often intentionally take lighter courseloads to rest after jr. year and sometimes (ok, often) slack off after being accepted to college. Your experiences might be different, but I thought I'd mention it.
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Old 05-11-2007, 12:36 PM
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Well everyone kept saying that senior year would be our hardest because that was the time that we picked out colleges, and sent in applications, and had to get graduation stuff and my senior year we were required to do a report to graduate, plus most students took courses that they needed and then some light ones. Mostly everyone got the hard courses taken care of the first semester and then second semester we just took easy stuff. But I'll rewrite that.
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Old 05-11-2007, 03:49 PM
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Hi.

I am writing to you from South Yorkshire, England, so first of all I really can't comment on the American School system, lol!

I really enjoyed your story opener, but it kind of felt awkward in places, not because there was anything wrong with your writing, because there isn't, it's that some parts read like 'Lexi did this, Lexi did that'

Here is an example I picked out

'The day seemed short to Lexi, but she just figured that was because it was her first day as a senior. The end of the day arrived and that meant it was time to audition for the fall play. Lexi loved everything about theatre and acting; not surprisingly, she was considered a drama geek.
Lexi entered the theatre with her friends. She felt a wave of happiness as she entered. It felt wonderful to be back.

This year’s fall play was called You Can’t Take It with You. Lexi was so excited; she couldn’t wait until the auditions began. She was auditioning for the part of Alice".

I mean I am probably wrong (I am usually) but I think it would perhaps help this piece of writing if you varied this a bit.

The dialogue is excellent. Your characters are very good...

I probably haven't explained myself very well, it's 12.45 am here and I'm looking at the computer with bleary eyes.

XKIM
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Old 05-11-2007, 05:15 PM
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Thanks for your comments, I'll go back and make some changes tonight.
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Old 05-11-2007, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by AkinaTsuji View Post
Well everyone kept saying that senior year would be our hardest because that was the time that we picked out colleges, and sent in applications, and had to get graduation stuff and my senior year we were required to do a report to graduate, plus most students took courses that they needed and then some light ones. Mostly everyone got the hard courses taken care of the first semester and then second semester we just took easy stuff. But I'll rewrite that.
I guess it would be different with mostly semester rather than year courses. In my experience with courses that mostly last the whole year, they look most at Jr. year because you send in applications during Sr. year so they don't have the final grades/class rank. If it's different in a school that uses semester courses, you just need to explain it, like say have one person say sr. year is hard and have the other person say that that's only for the first half or something...just so the reader gets the idea.
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Old 05-15-2007, 08:55 AM
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I'm going to add everything in when I get home. Right now I'm at my future mother-in-laws house and will be here until Sunday.
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:17 PM
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I think there's a lot of telling, and not enough showing, and some of the showing seems like you chose the wrong details. For example, I don't think you need to mention that he's her best guy friend, or that they go out once a month just because. I think it would be more appropriate to show that throughout the story. On the other hand, I think you can take out the information about where everyone is supposed to get their schedules; it's enough to say that they're posted, and that Lexi needed to go to the auditorum.

I think I would be more likely to read it if it started out with the dialogue and then the information from the first paragraph was spread out. Starting in media res (kind of) and then filling in the details as you need them.
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