WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Free Writing

Free Writing Plot bunnies, random musings, etc. No one-liners.


Armor

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-13-2006, 08:46 AM
Velva (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 22
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Default Armor


Tara came to a stop in front of the nondescript suburban ranch house. A leaf, carried by a light wind, came to rest on the hood of her car. She took a deep breath and let it out again. Her heart pounded in fear as she fought the impulse to turn the car on and drive away in a cloud of dust.

Instead, she turned the key partway and turned on the radio before rummaging in her purse for a few minutes. She pulled down the sun visor, opened the mirror, and took out a small eye pencil.

Carefully she drew a line next to her lower eyelashes - first the right, then the left. She added a tiny bit of accent to the corner of her upper eyelid. Then she put mascara on her upper lashes – first the right, then the left. She debated for a moment before closing the mascara and placing it back in her bag. If she cried, mascara on the bottom lashes would just get messy.

She reached into the purse again and brought out a lip liner. She carefully outlined her lips with the rosy-pink pencil and then colored them in with the same care that she took as a child with her coloring books. Finally she put just a bit of gloss on her lips and put the makeup away.

Tara took one final look in the mirror to satisfy herself that she looked alright and then turned off the ignition and got out of the car. She took another deep breath and turned to face the house, walking calmly and unhurriedly up the front walk.

As she reached the front stoop, the door opened.

“I thought you would never get out of that car.” The man who opened the door smiled warmly down at her.

Tara looked up at him with an answering grin. “You were watching me that whole time?”

“Yeah… I was amazed that you were so shy about coming to see me again.”

“How did you know I was feeling shy?” she wondered.

“You were putting on makeup. You only put makeup on when you feel like you need armor, remember?”

“You remembered about the makeup after twenty years?”

He just smiled down at her, drew her into the house, and closed the door behind them.

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-14-2006, 01:11 AM
jeune-romantique (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 32
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Hey, firstly, I really like this, I want to learn more about the characters already, and that's only from your descriptions in the opening scene. It's hard to grab readers into your characters lives first off the bat, but you handled it exquisitely. I have a few qualms about the way you structured it, but this could just be due to personal taste and writing style. Not wanting to rewrite the whole thing, because that isn't helpful in the least, but I will point out a few things that I had slight qualms about.

Firstly, I thought the opening paragraph works very well, with the "in a cloud of dust" part, although a tad cliche, working very well, and contrasting well against the character of Tara.

"Instead, she turned the key partway and turned on the radio before rummaging in her purse for a few minutes. She pulled down the sun visor, opened the mirror, and took out a small eye pencil." - The repetition of the word 'turned' is the main worry in this sentence. Perhaps you could have: 'Instead, she turned the key partway and then leant forward to turn (or switch) on the radio, before rummaging in her purse for a few minutes. She pulled down the sun visor, opened the mirror, and took out a small eye pencil.'

The third paragraph is well written, and you manage to add some character details into the process of applying make-up; very creative. You also draw description to the simple things that people might try to avoid, but it works brilliantly here and adds to the character and situation.

In the fourh paragraph I think the tense of the folllwing sentence should be changed: "She reached into the purse again and brought out a lip liner." - Perhaps change the tense so that she is reaching into her purse, like this: 'Reaching into her purse again Tara brought out her lip-liner, bringing it up to her lips.' This would then make the next part: 'She outlined them with the rosy-pink pencil and then colored them in with the same care that she took as a child with her coloring books. Finally she put just a bit of gloss on her lips and put the makeup away.' - Of course that might be more of a preference.

In the 6th paragraph the word 'stoop' causing me a distraction, but it might just be my unfamiliarity with the word and its uncommon use here in Australia. Also in that paragraph is the line: “How did you know I was feeling shy?” she wondered. - I think putting 'she wondered out loud' might be best as I thought she was just thinking to herself for a few seconds. Or perhaps just replacing it with 'inquired' or 'asked', whatever suits best.

Well, I can't wait to read the next part of this. I can see you have a flair for writing drama, keep at it, off to read more of your work now.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-15-2006, 01:38 PM
azaelkain's Avatar
azaelkain (Offline)
Vinco vici Victum
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Thermal California
Posts: 517
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via MSN to azaelkain
Default Kudos

This is good. I quite enjoyed it. It was short but was able to draw thw reader into what was going on. Okay now on to my official Crit.


Tara took one final look in the mirror to satisfy herself that she looked alright and then turned off the ignition and got out of the car.
This sentence sounds odd to me and I think that is because of this part, " ...to satisfy herself that she looked alright...." . Maybe changing it to "Tara took one final look in the mirror contant with how she looked. She turned off the ignition, and got out of the car."
Something to that effect.

Everything else I found very good and the characters are building nicely. The pace is not fast but also not slow. Very good job on this.
__________________
"To fear is to survive. To love is to live."

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-15-2006, 02:39 PM
Velva (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 22
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Default

Thanks both of you for your comments. I'm going to play around with this a bit more and incorporate your input before moving on to the next part.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Free Writing


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
Up From the Depths slashmaraud Fiction 3 12-08-2006 07:22 PM
Paper armor in the Rain sketch_chic85 Lyrics 4 10-13-2006 05:08 PM
Death and Glory- Ch1, pt2 jrudder Fiction 10 05-06-2006 07:32 AM
First Draft of my Fantasy story (Criticism requested) Commander Antilles Fiction 1 01-11-2006 05:39 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:15 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.