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Old 10-19-2006, 10:42 AM
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My friend asked me to write up a somewhat descriptive paragraph for her psychology project and I did. The thing is, I got so involved in it, I thought, maybe I should expand it to a short story. Do you think it's worth it? (I know there are a lot of things that could be cleaned up - adverbs, mainly, but I wanted to involve as much description as I could)


Lying in his bed, his mind wandered in far places. He could feel the dampness of the wet, green grass and the luscious, heavy smell of the earth. The sun was bright and shone gently over his strange land. To his left, he could hear the thundering of a waterfall and to his right, he could see vast valleys that stretched beyond the horizon. He was engrossed in his vision of paradise; he did not hear the doorknob turn, or the light footfall on the thick carpet. He did not see the young girl, approach him softly, her black eyes gleaming in the sunlight. The heavy perfume of her freshly-washed, golden hair escaped him as he gazed with wonder at the beautiful land of his creation. A rattling of a bottle snapped him out of his reverie and he gazed with awe at what seemed to be a goddess from his visions.


'Who are you,' he asked, wonderingly.


She smiled sadly and sat down on a chair near his bed. 'It's time for your medicines, father,' she replied, taking care not to touch his restraining straps as she tipped them into his mouth.

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Old 10-19-2006, 11:19 AM
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This is pretty cool - a good start to a story, in my opinion. Go ahead and expand on it!

The only thing I would suggest would be to refrain from mentioning the restraining straps at that point. We know he's not exactly right in the head and we know he has to take medicine. Leave it at that for the moment and then work in further details of his condition, like the straps, more gradually. Plus, that addition to the sentence really kind of takes away, for me, the potency of the image of a daughter caring for her father. I'd cut it off right after her dialogue and move on.
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Old 10-19-2006, 11:41 AM
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Thanks for the ideas, Ic! They are going to be pretty useful.
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Old 10-22-2006, 08:01 AM
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Do you think it's worth it?
It is always worth it. Snatch each and every opportunity to write, the only way for us to improve.


As simple the idea, as wonderful the writing! I found this piece very creative in its essence, and I encourage to expand this to a short story, or anything of the sort. Yet I have a few comments:

Lying in his bed, his mind wandered in far places
Lying in bed, his mind wandered...

of the wet, green grass and the luscious, heavy smell of
A little comment here, most of the time a comma is unnecessary between double-adjectives. [It is not a rule/guideline however]

He was engrossed in his vision of paradise
Very neat!

There are of course other [rather minor things], but it all comes back to your own style of writing. The flow of this piece was good, and the concept can be easily turned into a project-- something bigger.

Hope I helped.
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Old 10-22-2006, 11:07 PM
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It is always worth it. Snatch each and every opportunity to write, the only way for us to improve.


As simple the idea, as wonderful the writing! I found this piece very creative in its essence, and I encourage to expand this to a short story, or anything of the sort. Yet I have a few comments:
Thanks

A little comment here, most of the time a comma is unnecessary between double-adjectives. [It is not a rule/guideline however]
It is? I wasn't aware of that....

Hope I helped.
Oh, yes you did!

Thanks a lot!
CA
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