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  #1  
Old 06-27-2006, 02:19 PM
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I can't believe the things you do. I look on and watch as you creep and crawl and claw and drag yourself through your days. You stick your nails into everything you want. Anything you can't have, you either take anyway or you curl your hands into fists and curse it, wishing it never existed, or that something horrible would happen to it. You reek of jealousy as soon as you get the chance. Your every fault comes from you emotions and your own selfish needs. You are the greediest creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. You lie, you cheat, you curse, you scream, you steal, you scheme and plot, you stab backs and leave people for dead. You manipulate everything you can to justify your methods of getting what you want and you never feel remorse for doing it. You judge, discriminate and persecute that which you do not understand. You destroy and demolish anything you don't like and try your level best to cover it up, no matter what lengths you have to go to. You crush and stamp all over people that are better than you, just to make yourself feel big. You get a thrill out of humiliating people and making their lives hell. You kill without question and sometimes for nothing but the twisted pleasure of taking a life.
You kill, crush, destroy, maim, trample, kick, curse, lie, cheat and best of all.....you still run everything.
Congratulations....you are human.

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  #2  
Old 06-27-2006, 02:28 PM
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Been a long time since I read something of yours... remember to return the favour by checking out others works

I look on and watch as you creep and crawl and claw and drag yourself through your days.
I used to hate it when a writer would repeat and, but lately I've started to love it, I think it emphasised your point so well done. It's a hard trick to master.

The repetition of you, could be a problem to some, but I found it enhanced the tone... so aggressive that you makes sure you pay attention and don't brush off what the speaker is saying.

Loved the alliteration of destroy and demolish, whether you meant it or not, most of my alliteration is subconscious.

I really.. enjoyed is quite the right word, but that was most definitely powerful. Sardonic ending which clears you off any writing sins you may have commited earlier in the piece. A great start to the forum.. now give me more..
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Old 06-27-2006, 03:01 PM
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Aha. We meet again.

Like Kal said, powerful with a great ending.

It feels weird to say that this got long in the middle, as it is so short in the first place, but I have to say it. It really started off well for me and then after the first few sentences I felt like I knew what was coming a little too easily. And that made me want to get to the end. So I guess I would suggest a little trimming to get it down to some bare essentials - though I do like it as is, of course.

Unlike kal, I can't help but point out at least a couple things.
you emotions
Your.

.....
Officially, three dots is the rule unless it's four for separating full sentences. Not a biggie here, I just happen to be a stickler about ellipses.

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
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Old 06-27-2006, 03:03 PM
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lol d'oh! I missed out an 'r'! How embarrassing! Lol.
Thanks for telling me about the three dots thing, I didn't know that rule! I don't do a writing course or anything. The last time I did anything like this under school was back at my GCSE's when I was 16. So sorry if I don't know some of the smaller bits and pieces.
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Old 06-27-2006, 03:11 PM
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Don't apologize. Just don't do it again.
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  #6  
Old 06-27-2006, 03:16 PM
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Yes Ma'am
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  #7  
Old 06-27-2006, 04:09 PM
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lol...I liked this. I wasn't expecting the ending I got, I was in fact expecting this to be about an actual person. But it wasn't. I wouldn't have liked this a bit if it was about someone specific, not because of the writing, which seemed rather nice, but because it would have done nothing but fleshed who could have been anyone.

But you changed it and made it original, I'm thankful for that.

Don't know what else to say, but you have my thumbs up!
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  #8  
Old 06-30-2006, 11:29 AM
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I really liked this. The ending was so unexpected! Great job!!
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