WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Family Room

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 06-27-2012, 03:57 AM
simply_words (Offline)
Eloquent Troll
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 305
Thanks: 100
Thanks 60
Default Family Room


Whisk me off to a summers park
forget the dog piss and pesky kids
anything beats this mournful room
with its death-scorched walls
and coffee spills

No small talk
not today
bigger things swell our minds
please let him be okay

In she walks
the nurse
her face lying to herself
about how she does this all the time
and that 'its just a job'

She takes a moment
breaks her news
two of us scream
two of us silenced
by the reality of loss and life
and its fragility

Its always someone else
though not today
today its us
and today its pain I never dreamed

__________________
There are three types of people in this world. There are those that can count, and those that can't...

Last edited by simply_words; 06-27-2012 at 10:20 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-27-2012, 07:26 AM
peadar's Avatar
peadar (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: South of the North Pole, North of equator
Posts: 105
Thanks: 20
Thanks 29
Default

Very powerful, I hope not based on recent experience.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-27-2012, 09:22 AM
FireHill's Avatar
FireHill (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Posts: 635
Thanks: 77
Thanks 210
Default

I'm not moved much by this. It has potential, but you're just telling me about it, not showing me. The last line, the culmination and whole point of the poem, just sits on the "page." You say it was horrible pain, but don't at all convey it to the reader. The first stanza was good, it had vivid imagery and drew me in, but the rest failed to deliver on that promise.
__________________
Brandon

I saw no God, nor heard any, in a finite organical perception; but my senses discover'd the infinite in every thing ... I cared not for consequences but wrote." ~William Blake


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to FireHill For This Useful Post:
simply_words (06-27-2012)
  #4  
Old 06-27-2012, 09:52 AM
maidahl
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

"It's" and "its" got confused here. Both times. It has potential thematically. Otherwise, it's adequate IMHO.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-27-2012, 10:19 AM
simply_words (Offline)
Eloquent Troll
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 305
Thanks: 100
Thanks 60
Default

Originally Posted by FireHill View Post
I'm not moved much by this. It has potential, but you're just telling me about it, not showing me. The last line, the culmination and whole point of the poem, just sits on the "page." You say it was horrible pain, but don't at all convey it to the reader. The first stanza was good, it had vivid imagery and drew me in, but the rest failed to deliver on that promise.
This was actually what I was kinda going for...

I was one of the two people 'not screaming'. The poem is meant to feel 'numb'.

Thanks for comments - back to drawing board for me!!! Peace be with you all
__________________
There are three types of people in this world. There are those that can count, and those that can't...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-27-2012, 10:23 AM
maidahl
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

maybe high-drama numbness. Super-exaggerated. It didn't come off that way at all to me.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-27-2012, 12:47 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

It worked for me. Been in this situation. Self-preservation brings down a wall of glass between you and what's going on. Your poem captured that detachment. The small details, like the coffee stains on the carpet made it real. With nothing else to focus on, you notice the fluff in the corner and count ceiling tiles in these places.

This was a narrative that fitted my own memory so entirely, that I found it touching and skillfully written. No violins or sentiment. Just the reality of being penned in a small, bleak room waiting to find out that your life has just changed forever.

Will be nominating this Simply - beautiful piece.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
simply_words (06-27-2012)
  #8  
Old 06-27-2012, 06:39 PM
FireHill's Avatar
FireHill (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Posts: 635
Thanks: 77
Thanks 210
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
It worked for me. Been in this situation.
Thing is, as a writer, you have to be able to bring this experience to those of us who have not been in such a situation. Just my opinion though.
__________________
Brandon

I saw no God, nor heard any, in a finite organical perception; but my senses discover'd the infinite in every thing ... I cared not for consequences but wrote." ~William Blake


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-28-2012, 05:41 AM
KBR (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Monterey CA
Posts: 1,917
Thanks: 1,063
Thanks 655
Default

I felt it simply_words. I think some narrative weakens the whole. PM me if you are interested in hearing more. Thanks!!!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-28-2012, 12:07 PM
Alicia Beavis (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thanks: 1
Thanks 7
Default

Thoughtful piece that reminds me that although it's always 'someone else', someday it could be me. I like how you took away most of the imagery that could be included to really focus on emotion.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Alicia Beavis For This Useful Post:
simply_words (06-28-2012)
  #11  
Old 06-28-2012, 01:56 PM
simply_words (Offline)
Eloquent Troll
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 305
Thanks: 100
Thanks 60
Default

Originally Posted by FireHill View Post
Thing is, as a writer, you have to be able to bring this experience to those of us who have not been in such a situation. Just my opinion though.
That's exactly what I have done Firehill. The protagonist felt nothing. Had he written the poem two days later, in the midst of grief, then he would have spilled emotion. But that was not the case. There is slight imagery in the opening stanza...then he sees the nurse and her expression...no need for imagery.

I guess it's kind of like asking you to say what you felt in the split second your saw your first born. The emotions that are evoked from birth and death are unique.

To give this poem flowery descriptions would be cheapen it. There is nothing to truly compare the feelings to.

When people give me constructive criticism I usually hit the edit button straight away. Not this time though. I stand by the format wholeheartedly. Everyone is different - that's what makes the world such an interesting place...

Peace
__________________
There are three types of people in this world. There are those that can count, and those that can't...
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-28-2012, 01:57 PM
simply_words (Offline)
Eloquent Troll
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 305
Thanks: 100
Thanks 60
Default

Originally Posted by Alicia Beavis View Post
Thoughtful piece that reminds me that although it's always 'someone else', someday it could be me. I like how you took away most of the imagery that could be included to really focus on emotion.

Thanks Alicia - welcome to the beat!
__________________
There are three types of people in this world. There are those that can count, and those that can't...
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 07:06 AM
The Mansion (3261 Words) skyraftwanderer Fiction 1 08-29-2011 06:41 AM
The Christdolou Gambit/Double Standard richards89 Fiction 3 06-07-2011 06:02 PM
Screwed: Chapter 2- A Big Gray World btzneb Fiction 0 01-13-2010 10:19 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:03 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.