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  #1  
Old 08-07-2011, 09:20 AM
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Pete was a big guy. Big and blond. He was home from Viet Nam for a little rest and relaxation.

It was 1968 and a bunch of us were up in a Pennsylvania attic bedroom sittin' on mattresses, listenin' to Jimi Hendrix and smoking from a bag that had been lost and found ( A few months ago it had been tossed out a car window for safety. Disappeared. No one thought to look in the roadside tree until today).

Spiders are crawling from the bag as we roll. Some folks are complaining about this.

In the smoky haze a voice asks Pete what it's like over there.

I'm thinkin' downer of a question.

After a moment Pete says "You go into a village, from the corner of your eye you see a kid runnin' up on ya with something in his hand. You blow him away. Then you look to see if he was holding a candy bar wrapper or a grenade".

After that no one complained about the spiders.


Last edited by Nick Pierce; 08-07-2011 at 06:11 PM..
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  #2  
Old 08-07-2011, 11:29 AM
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Hard hitting, Nick, Really hard hitting.

Can't say anything else.

*nominating it for Member's Choice*
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Old 08-07-2011, 01:25 PM
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Beautiful.
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Old 08-08-2011, 02:21 AM
eez (Offline)
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Harsh, brutal, outstanding. Perfect.
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:00 AM
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Did you serve in Vietnam Nick? If you did I don't think I'd read your memoirs based on what you've written here. Where are the bood sweat and tears that go with a recollection like this? It just seems a bit vapid.
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Goldster View Post
Where are the blood sweat and tears that go with a recollection like this? It just seems a bit vapid.
Welcome to the Beat, Goldster.

How do you regard postmodernism?
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:23 AM
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One paragraph succinctly conveys a horror I can barely comprehend, and places me screaming in your shoes.

The epitomy of eloquence.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:49 AM
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Succint. Powerful. The emotional detachment cleverly evokes sympathy/ emotion from the reader. Very well done.
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:45 AM
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Nick, are you saying an understanding of post modernism would be useful in appreciating this piece? I'll be honest with you, I don't know what it is. I could have looked it up of course but it couldnt change my initial reaction to what you've written.

I like the subject matter, its highly topical and I can appreciate your economy of words too - something I could learn from and well done for some hot reviews.

But if this is this a commentry on how people can become so brutalised by war that killing children becomes a reflex why the spiders, or the stoners in the attic, or the story of how they found the bag?
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Old 08-08-2011, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Goldster View Post
Nick, are you saying an understanding of post modernism would be useful in appreciating this piece? I'll be honest with you, I don't know what it is. I could have looked it up of course but it couldnt change my initial reaction to what you've written.

I like the subject matter, its highly topical and I can appreciate your economy of words too - something I could learn from and well done for some hot reviews.

But if this is this a commentry on how people can become so brutalised by war that killing children becomes a reflex why the spiders, or the stoners in the attic, or the story of how they found the bag?
Lots of stuff that you would like addressed. Wanna PM about it?
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Old 08-08-2011, 10:36 AM
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Nick,

I dont have enough posts for me to PM you just yet but am sure we'll talk soon.

Is this part ofa larger work on the subject?
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:06 AM
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Nick, yahoo! I finally found this one. A sniper's hit.
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Waterpoor View Post
A sniper's hit.
yardage and windage

structure and content

it's all the same

Thanks for your time and comments, R.

I never saw Pete again after this day. Never heard anything about him. Like to think he is a gentle grandfather somewhere in America right about now.
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Old 08-08-2011, 04:43 PM
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Nick, You got me to remembering how it seemed that people at home thought the weirdest shit was important. Took me years to get past that. I'm soon going to post a little southeast Asia tale. Will look forward to your perusal.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Waterpoor View Post
Nick, You got me to remembering how it seemed that people at home thought the weirdest shit was important. Took me years to get past that. I'm soon going to post a little southeast Asia tale. Will look forward to your perusal.
R.
Okay.
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:10 AM
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Wow that is heavy definitely makes you think. I keep hearing or seeing things that are slowly blowing off the dour dust, they are inspiring and a great reminder of why it is so much better and worthwhile to make the choice to be happy, it’s brilliant. Every time that dour faced wee c*nt tries to close the curtains the cheerful wee maniac rips them back open. I love that maniac and I am determined to keep her as my head honcho and tell the sh*te bag to sod off J This excerpt this a perfect example J





K







Just found this on the writer’s forum, they’re all raving about it. My first thought was, how can he send ‘em all into a frenzy with so few words? Then I read it, wow, hats off man.


Pete was a big guy. Big and blond. He was home from Viet Nam for a little rest and relaxation.

It was 1968 and a bunch of us were up in a Pennsylvania attic bedroom sittin' on
mattresses, listenin' to Jimi Hendrix and smoking from a bag that had been lost and found ( A few months ago it had been tossed out a car window for safety. Disappeared. No one thought to look in the roadside tree until today).

Spiders are crawling from the bag as we roll. Some folks are complaining about this.

In the smoky haze a voice asks Pete what it's like over there.

I'm thinkin' downer of a
question.

After a moment Pete says "You go into a village, from the corner of your eye you see a kid runnin' up on ya with something in his hand. You blow him away. Then you look to see if he was holding a candy bar wrapper or a grenade".

After that no one complained about the spiders.


Jonny C
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Old 08-09-2011, 03:34 PM
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Talk about economy of words...

I love how you managed to convey so much with so little.

Great writing and a very worthy nomination for members choice.
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Old 08-10-2011, 05:43 PM
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Nice job!.
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