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  #1  
Old 05-02-2006, 06:16 PM
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Eve


He walked alone.

Still she was with him. Those words, treacherous, ensnaring him, bespoken by cold pale lips that hinted only at apathy and a vague sense of predestination, haunted his movements. Those eyes, like shattered rainbows, that had once appraised him and given him false hope, stalked his each and every wayward thought.

Eve. His Eve. How apt that fate had named her for the night. She had stolen the sunshine from his life...

I have no idea where I'm going from here, what this is, or even if I should keep going... any opinions?

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Old 05-05-2006, 07:23 AM
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Romance lit came off from what I read. I'd take it from there. Explain what had happened to the girl, what he and her had gone through, and the moments he was brought to then. Or opposate, go forward in time, explain what he does now, or what he decides to do, or maybe how he gets her back.
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Old 05-05-2006, 09:41 PM
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Well, this is only a short snippet - so you could really go anywhere. As oasis said, romance would definitely work. but you could also go with fantasy, even realism.. .depening on who "Eve" is? give her a background, what happened to him , what did she do .. who is she, who is he? once you have more solid characters, maybe we can help a bit more. i'd like to see this go somewhere, i like it

p.s.

She had stolen the sunshine from his life...
plz remove this - it's so cliche!! hehehe

ta
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Old 05-05-2006, 10:43 PM
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yeah, pretty much I posted this here because I had no idea what to do with it. Thanks for the input / ideas, you two.
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Old 05-05-2006, 10:50 PM
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Anytime, if you need any help, PM me, I'm always up for helpin', you know that Tit! *Ha, I said tit*
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Old 06-08-2006, 04:31 AM
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Ha! This drew me in, then BAM it was over. I have no advice for you, but if you post more, let me know. I love the way it's written.
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Old 06-08-2006, 08:37 AM
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I'll be honest and say that it does sound kind of cheesy. Like a teenager being really over-melodramatic about a bad or painful breakup. It could be rescued if it got better after that snippet, but I really don't like it. Though that could be because romance is really not something I read much of. Sorry that I couldn't be more positive.
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Old 06-08-2006, 03:07 PM
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Thanks darth.

Sfs (can I call you that, signing_from_shadows?), that's fine. It's good to know if people think it's cheesy and I certainly do have a bit of melodrama in me (romance isn't what I write either, really)... I hadn't imagined it being a teenager but then I have no idea what it is other than a random snippet. Anyway. Thanks for reading.
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Old 06-08-2006, 04:03 PM
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yes it's melodramtic but I think that could work.. Maybe this isn't the beginning f your story.. maybe its the end...

I like it and I think you should try not to look at it as a begining so muhc, try to work out who or what eve is, work out who the MC is.. go from there and see what you get and come bck to us..
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Old 06-08-2006, 05:40 PM
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Titania, of late I have read hundreds of stories. I read samples of all those market listings that I post. Your beginning can fit into almost any fiction genre. It can go sci-fi, fantasy, horror, mystery, romance, etc. The endings are infinite.
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Old 06-08-2006, 05:45 PM
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kali, thanks! That's a very interesting idea and one I hadn't thought of. I'll have to think about that now that I actually have free time

Jay, I think that's part of my problem actually - I don't have the characters set well enough in my mind to really know what genre it might fit into since with what I have it could indeed be anything. Thanks for the input.
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Old 08-09-2006, 02:05 AM
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I agree with Oasis Writer this sounds like romance lit, only dark romance. Maybe that's just my love for the dark flares in writing, but I think you could really write something significant with dark flavored tones on this one. I'd like to see the whole symbolish crashing thunder hell of the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve. It really came off dark to me, with thunder/lighting raining down from the black skies, I could see you going far with it =)


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  #13  
Old 08-09-2006, 04:01 PM
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Thanks Tilldusk

I really haven't taken look at this one in a while but given my recent writing slump I may come back to it... I tend to have a penchant for dark things as well so certainly that's a possibility.

Thanks again for the comment / suggestions!
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Old 08-11-2006, 11:23 PM
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I'd love to see the possibility, considering you're a great writer =)

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