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  #1  
Old 05-01-2006, 08:21 PM
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bleached white painted jeans on the grass, dark saturated thick green grass. and there is the sky, the windswept peach potato sky of big thick clouds and couches and the blue streaks and the ginger sun and the overcast murk. and there is the sludge on the ground or the painted pews, the silvery streams of dark water so thin but deep like chasms. chasms of balck along the green, dotted with puffed snow that fell flat and round out of the sky. and then the trees, the trees like tall skeletal limbs with their pointed fingers and reaching faces, reaching sadly into the sky as if hoping for something. the sun will give a glance, a warm quiet glow, swept behind everything behind the moon every cloud. and every streetlamp a guard, watching like solemn ministers, the sidewalks, the asphalt, the grey and the coarse and grainy each foot pad. and every colour every texture so thick and damp and bright and the sky now a clouded soup who smiles and keeps his distance and the sun a mild freckle peeping out, of greens and pearls and yawns so golden.

I don't know what genre this is. i suppose "stream of conciousness" or something, wrote it quite fast. anyways, comment plz, and enjoy (p.s sorry if i am not posting a lot in the near future.)

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Old 05-02-2006, 11:48 AM
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Very affective description, it was brilliant! I wish I could use adjectives like that!! Kudos!!

I dunno really where you're heading with it, but it has definitely potential, so don't give up, keep us posted!

xxkiki
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Old 05-02-2006, 06:18 PM
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A lot of colors in this - a lot of adjectives. It feels almost like a descriptive poem to me. 'Peach potato sky' was a nice bit... some very good descriptive work Like I said, it feels very poetic, very pretty, and it painted a nice picture. Makes me wish it was prettier outside right now...
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Old 05-05-2006, 10:24 PM
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heh, thanks for the comments guys. description is so much fun. i know some quote that is something like.. "description is like a laxative for the brain". i think that's excellent, wish i knew where it came from.
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Old 05-08-2006, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by dogwood
bleached white painted jeans
The two "ed" ending sounds a bit odd so close together, maybe make "bleached" just "bleach". Your choice.

Originally Posted by dogwood
bleached white painted jeans on the grass, dark saturated thick green grass.
This sentence doesn't feel complete to me, maybe just tack it to the beginning of the next one.

Lots of "and"s at the beginning, kind of got to me at first.

Hm, I could use come capitalization, even if this is free write...I know, I'm a picky bastard.

Anyway, other than those little things it was very nice. Great images and descriptions, some even entertaining, like the potato one. The writing was good, but I must say I liked Impressions because it was very cleanly written, that feeling was lost in this pice because of the numerous "and"s and the lack of capitalization.

But then again, this was a free write, so I can forgive that.

Nice job!
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Old 05-09-2006, 08:40 PM
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thanks Deph. good to have some negative feedback. however... i don't know if i'll change anything because it IS a free write. and... it's sort of stream-of-concious-esk, because it's got a quick flow/rhythm to it (i hope) - hence the multiple 'ands.'
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Old 05-09-2006, 09:26 PM
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I liked it, the negative had very minimal impact on my overall feel for the piece. It was very nice, I just felt I owed it to you to point out some things.
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