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  #1  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:47 AM
Hidrolic (Offline)
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Iím here when the clouds are grey
Aloud I say
Iím here when youíve had a lousy day
If you want to be alone Iíll move those crowds away
For you Iíll prove my love more so than the Saudis pray
If I may
With you by my side I feel proud each day

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  #2  
Old 10-29-2013, 12:19 PM
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Hidrolic, I feel you deserve a sincere response to your poem which is written sincerely.

How old are you? What is your gender? Where are you writing from? There's no hint anywhere, so I'll speak to you as if you are a 35 year-old man.

"I'm here when the clouds are grey" is an excellent start! It's straightforward and the sentiment is charming. According to the Internet you are using the British spelling of "grey," which means you're across the pond from me. (Far across, as I am west coast USA.)

=====
Aloud I say
I'm here when you've had a lousy day
=====

Why did you do this? It says you're relying on sound - the sound of "aaay" - to get you through the writing of the poem!

Indeed every line ends with "aaay" and what does this say? It says you are incapable of forming a cogent thought and setting it down plainly for all to read: instead you are focused on repeating the "aaay" sound, over and over again.

No 35 year-old man writes like this. Does he?

Lance
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:31 PM
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I think that when one writes, and the focus is primarily or predominantly on rhyme scheme, and rhythm one does tend to lose the way and unfortunately that message or subject is destroyed.

Perhaps this structure was intentional?
However, there's an innocence to it.
A sad innocence.
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by NokturnalMe View Post

Perhaps this structure was intentional?
I wish I knew the author's age, it would really help!

: = )

I went through a box of my writing today and there are so many pieces composed in just this fashion...*sigh.*

One must have a reason to keep typing (or scribble) down the page and so often it's for sound, for rhyme, for seeing how clever one can be, etc. Apparently we must move through all these devices to finally arrive at some semblance of an authentic voice that speaks with clarity and resolve.

Hidrolic, if you are a younger person I well understand because I've been there myself. If you are serious about poetry I want to encourage you to put the devices aside - put aside the very idea of poetry - instead write simple descriptive sentences, one after another, until you run out of things to describe. Then do the same thing again the next day!

Best,

Lance

Last edited by LanceRocks; 10-30-2013 at 02:18 PM..
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:24 PM
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30 years old, male and I'm in the USA...East coast. Thanks for reading and I appreciate the insight.
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:16 AM
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Anything I could say here would ultimately be only about the practice of criticism.

I think the poem was charmingly innocent. The question then becomes does the author strive for charming innocence? And,it is not a question I care about. It may be a question the author cares about a great deal.
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:53 AM
Hidrolic (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Delmar Cooper View Post
Anything I could say here would ultimately be only about the practice of criticism.

I think the poem was charmingly innocent. The question then becomes does the author strive for charming innocence? And,it is not a question I care about. It may be a question the author cares about a great deal.

Thanks for the read and thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. I wrote this really quick because it just flowed...
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Old 10-30-2013, 12:42 PM
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I feel the flow and the receiver of this heartfelt dedication
is one lucky lady

I love "I'll move those crowds away" ...
and the last line, no greater sense of security in love,
knowing proud is powerful.

Touching, real and honest your poem You
thanks for sharing Hidrolic
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Old 10-30-2013, 02:14 PM
Hidrolic (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Pandora View Post
I feel the flow and the receiver of this heartfelt dedication
is one lucky lady

I love "I'll move those crowds away" ...
and the last line, no greater sense of security in love,
knowing proud is powerful.

Touching, real and honest your poem You
thanks for sharing Hidrolic

Thanks for the read and the kind sentiments, it's appreciated.
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