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Love Defined

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Old 01-29-2007, 10:24 PM
jabee (Offline)
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Default Love Defined

Love Defined

Love that stabs your heart with knives
Love that keeps you whole and alive
Love that makes you care for someone else
Love that sounds like a thousand bells
Love that's blind yet still can see
Love that creates jubilee
Love that's jealous and sometimes hates
Love that acts with utmost disgrace
Love that heeds and heals your scars
Love that lets you see from afar
Love that makes you do strange things
Love that creates weird flings
Love that begins in beautiful lines
And love that ends with sparks and lights...


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Old 01-30-2007, 10:45 AM
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Good list poem! There are two lines that feel a little strained to my silent ear - 2nd - the word "and", 8th - the word "utmost" - I wonder if you have read it out loud to a friend and whether those lines work when spoken or catch a little bit.
If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.

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Old 01-30-2007, 11:45 AM
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Love that keeps you whole and alive
I think the and here is jarring.

a few places it caught me, I agree with Kit, read it aloud to a friend then see what happens, or if you don't like performing yet record it in private and play it back.

I'm not a fan of list poems, but this is a prefectly fine one.
A Girl in Winter.
His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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