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future self portrait

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  #1  
Old 04-05-2018, 11:16 PM
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This morning with sunbaked torso, Ahmed, in blue swimshorts on matching blue and white striped sunbed, breathing leafy island air, listening, whisper of palm fronds, clicks of geckos, eyes half-closed, not thinking, Ahmed, truly a man in the moment, he lies this way, then, propping himself up on plump turquoise pillow, observes horizon, visible through tunnel of magoo bush, pillowy enamel cumulus, distant island flecked with green, water like glass with blue to green gradient, winking in mid-morning sun, mesmerising Ahmed, bewitching him, inhaling again, deeply, sweet island musk, running right hand over distended belly and scratching his groin, thinking, involuntarily, of his youth, how bright that world, light-drenched, teeming with possibility. Today, on this bed, Ahmed, in upscale resort, champagne on his right, on endtable, none of which he can afford, Ahmed, third-rate writer, never published abroad, Ahmed, losing his calm amidst growing thicket of prickly thoughts, breathing sharp and shallow, now reaching for champagne, lifting it up by its neck, taking deep swig, Ahmed, writer, aged 40, published locally, deepening swigs.

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Last edited by chippedmonk; 04-24-2018 at 12:16 AM..
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Old 04-18-2018, 01:01 AM
IanG (Offline)
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Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.' It reads as if the next part should be a new sentence. Third rate is two words not one.

The metephore of prickly thoughts is good.
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Old 04-24-2018, 12:15 AM
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yes, i was taking some liberties ian, though what you suggest re: breaking sentence, is excellent. thanks for the read/comment.
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Old 05-03-2018, 02:17 AM
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Amazing. All Ahmed does is breath, scratch himself, and take a swig. And yet this piece of writing seems full of movement to me. And it's got colour, temperature, smells. I think the lack of complete sentences gives it a sense of always moving even though the scene is fairly static. I also feel as though I'm looking at this scene through a pair of binoculars. With all that imagery (almost an overcrowding of imagery) the whole thing seems magnified and distorted. Like studying a (probably Gaugan) painting with a magnifying glass or dropping acid. I love it. Is it part of something bigger? Have you got any more like this?
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Old 05-06-2018, 04:58 AM
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oh man, i really hope your words are sincere lingard. made my day.
it's not part of a longer piece though. i've got a few more shorts, not quite like this, i'll put them up at some point.
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Old 05-06-2018, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by chippedmonk View Post
oh man, i really hope your words are sincere lingard. made my day.
it's not part of a longer piece though. i've got a few more shorts, not quite like this, i'll put them up at some point.
Of course, it's sincere. I really like the piece. I'm no authority but i know what I like. Would really like to read some more.
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