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Relief through Death

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Old 03-26-2018, 01:38 AM
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Default Relief through Death


Entry #234: Sometime in March 2001

Eight years. Itís been eight years on this very day. Eight years of imprisonment in these bleak grey walls. Nothing to look at nothing to do. Sometimes, I wonder was it worth it? To take actions into my own hands. To take someoneís life? I canít stand this place anymore. It drives me nuts. I am forced to think about the life I could have had. The mistakes I made. I guess thatís that the point of prison. Isnít it?

I sit in my cell. I stare into the darkness and cannot stop thinking about how death could end this all. Am I right to think this? Every single night the slight creak of the rusty iron gate which separates the prisoners from guards. Reminds me of the times I spent with my older brother. Every Sunday afternoon when we were young we jumped over an iron gate to play in the river. We would swing on oak trees into the river and play Catch the Alligator. I wonder if it would make life easier knowing he would not have to think about me. Every big brother has a sense of duty. Does he still even think of me? Does he think of the times we spent playing the memories we formed? In the end, Iím still stuck in this god damn cell.

The things I would do to feel the individual blades of grass gently caress against my feet. I would kill again. To feel the water gush through the seams of my hand. To smell the roses and daisies linger in the air like the scent of coffee in the morning. I am stripped of the freedom to be alive.

I wonder if I could ask to be killed? The sound of lethal injection doesnít sound too bad. Iím never getting out anyways. No one ever gets out for killing a cop. I still donít know what even happened that grim night. Everything happened so quickly. I was going 90mph in a 60 zone. Next minute I was being perused by cops and ended up hitting an off-duty officer. What could have been a darn speeding fine turned into the death of a cop. If he hadnít walked out onto the damn road I wouldnít be in this hellhole. I probably shouldnít be blaming him. After all Iím the one whoís locked up.

I find it very hypocritical that the state can control my life and freedom, but I canít choose to end it. I find it somewhat unfair. It seems fairer to trade a life for a life. I feel like a fish with no fins. Helpless. Unable to control where I end up. I am at the mercy of the ocean. It decides what happens to me. Whether I live or die.


Entry #251: July 4th 2001

A day of celebration for many. The fourth of July. For me I lie restless on my mattress. Worry fills the void in me. I received news that my mother has been admitted into hospital about 9 days ago. I still remember my first 4th of July in the big city. We all went down as a family to watch the fireworks and have a grand celebration. Everyone was dressed to impressed. Mom was wearing her flamboyant sparkly blue dress in the spirit of the American colours. I distinctly remember wearing my favourite red polo top, black Levi denim pants and black Vans. We also celebrated mumís 40th. We used the fourth of July as an excuse to celebrate her birthday. So that we wouldnít have to spend more money on another party. I guess we were kinda cheap. We were next to the river bank. I remember sitting in awe as a kid watching the sky light up and the smoke drift through the city like a toxic smog. The river soaked all the colour up like a sponge. It was the first real time anyone in the family had seen fireworks at this scale. Itís these things that keep me alive. Locked up in a cell twenty-three hrs a day. Thereís no other way of living except through my own mind. Reliving vivid memories gives me the sense of being there. Feeling what I felt, smelling what I smelt and seeing what I saw. Itís like an alternate reality. One where I didnít end up in hell. Itís the only escape I have. It becomes increasingly harder to live this way. The more time I spend in here the more the memories fade. Soon there will be nothing left to re-live.

You know whatís strange? All this time and I only thought of the copís family a handful of times. I feel it would be an all-round benefit if I just died. What they want most is revenge not justice. They want my life gone because I took once of their lives. God dammit Iím starting to think it would be better for both sides if I was sentenced to death. Itís better to know when Iím gonna die, rather than sit here and wonder how long I will suffer. Each day is torture. Itís like being burned alive but not quite enough so that you donít die. Being left to suffer with your wounds forever. Scared by one mistake. Prison invites death into my life. It has helped me accept it. I live in-between a state of life and death. Not quite living and not quite dead.

I wonder if anyone else has ever requested to die? Well I wouldnít even be able to ask. I only get one hour of communication and even that is restricted.


Entry #263: November 22nd 2001

I have made my appeal for lethal injection. My case will be reviewed by the State Appellate Court and if it passes will move up to the Supreme Court. Where the final decision will ultimately be made. I donít know if I should be worried? What should I feel?


Entry #278: February 12th 2002

Anxiety fills my lungs. It restricts my ability to breath. Itís like a soft weight on my chest forcing me to take deep intense breaths. Theyíve given me 2 weeks till I die. It is what I need. But is it what I want? Knowing my days are numbered gives me slight relief, but it also pains my soul. Now I remember how precious life was to me. What life is worth. Memories are essential to having a valuable life. They allow us to be alive.

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Old 03-26-2018, 01:38 AM
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wanting feedback on how to write better. Just starting out
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:22 AM
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Originally Posted by WaterWaves View Post
wanting feedback on how to write better. Just starting out
Just keep commenting on the work others put up.
We will get around to you as soon as our suppurating egos ooze in your direction.

Oh yeah, and welcome to the party, pal.
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:22 AM
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Originally Posted by WaterWaves View Post
wanting feedback on how to write better. Just starting out
Just keep commenting on the work others put up.
We will get around to you as soon as our suppurating egos slosh in your direction.

Oh yeah, and welcome to the party, pal.
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:25 AM
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I think slosh goes better than ooze.

Yeah, I'm sure it does.
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Old 03-26-2018, 07:27 AM
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Look up filtering. Had should only be imperative. RUE, resist the urge to explain. Avoid excessive adverbs, adjectives, propositions, and to be verbs. Read it aloud. If you stumble, change the line. Read a lot of works. Write and write.
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Old 03-26-2018, 07:53 AM
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My first thought is that the date of 2001 going along and then when Nov. comes there is no mention of 9/11. Of course a prisoner is mostly caught up in his own life, but maybe there could be a way to work in the terror attack as meaningful to him. I like your writing and the theme of "is life worth it?" I see at the end he almost gets the answer - "it is, if you make it so."
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:05 PM
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I like the voice. Maybe think about when to use small sentences and when not
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:09 PM
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Another thought, instead of a diary what if this were written from a guard's POV? That way you could use clues to denote the stages of grief in esdence. Just a thought.

Best thing I ever learned is that there's a step before editing called rewriting. If it only needed to be edited you could publish it.

Thunk of whose story it is to tell, and then if it needs to be objectified or not. Get in the narrator's head. Be them
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:10 PM
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I'm drunk by the way... You get used to it
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Old 03-27-2018, 07:05 AM
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Something many of us struggle with as writers is the concept of voice versus flow. When we read a strong piece of writing, we often notice the voice of narrator, but sometimes a strong voice can get in the way of flow. I notice a similar method in your writing as mine. I tend to write things the way I picture a character saying them, but sometimes my own narration bogs down the reading. So, I have to compress it.

In general, you'll find that most readers are like dogs chasing cars and they have similar attention spans. They become annoyed when the writer doesn't get to his point or when he keeps repeating the same thing without any new information.
Once you've established that it's been eight years, for example, it doesn't give an added benefit to punch it again. Though a person ranting to may say it twice, the reader already knows it's been eight years and is ready to move on. Similarly,
once you established that he's in a cell, it doesn't really add anything to keep punching "in this cell".

This is a good piece; it needs tightening. Cut some of the repetition, whittle some adverbs/adjectives, and remove filtering.

I concur with Daes's point on filtering. All new writers and someone old ones filter; it's because no one ever told them what it was and not to do it.

A short example of filtering: "I saw a red balloon bobbing above the trees." The fact that a narrator describes this implies the "I saw" and so "I saw" is always unnecessary. Fix: "A red balloon bobbed above the trees."

"I heard a bell ring."
Fix: A bell rang.

When can get rid of, "I saw, I heard, I noticed, I detected, I felt" or anything that puts the narrator in front of the action.

Last edited by spshane; 03-27-2018 at 07:08 AM..
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