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deja floyd

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  #1  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:06 PM
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Default deja floyd


there’s a crazy diamond
shining in my ear
and again you’re watching tv
not blowing the steel breeze
with me… oh how I wish…

when I glance over
you don’t see my pain
and you can’t tell
my heaven from my hell

jaded faces mouth their lines
in the plasma goldfish bowl
they’re the lost souls
lathering the delusions
of your brainwashed mind

when I look at you
there's no blue skies
I only see the soap
that’s meddling with your eyes

so speak to me
I breathe
please find time
I don’t want us and them
I just want you and me

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Last edited by Rocker; 08-31-2012 at 09:07 AM..
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Old 08-30-2012, 02:46 PM
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Okay, I know it's free writing. How about a bit of free commenting?
The 'over' reused so quickly in the second stanza dulls the effect.
'heaven from my hell' is a weak reworking of the cliche.
'lost souls'-cliche.
Stanza four. 'over' again. Perhaps you intend this word as some sort of marker throughout the piece?
The last stanza gives me the impression that this is a poem about misunderstanding and need.
However, I would need clearer imagery to be certain I understand the intention of the work.

Apologies if the foregoing is a bit caustic.
I can't always be blowin' air up under people's skirts (makes me dizzy).

Regards,
Nick



Whaaat!

It's just that I'm having commenter's remorse. This guy has always been so square with his responses. This looks almost ungrateful.

Pierce- shut the fuck up. He's a big boy. And he's smart enough to know you are simply going writer to writer. Not everyone thinks you're an asshole waiting to shit.

Thanks, Nick. I feel better now.

Great. Glad to hear it. Now toss me a fresh roll. This one's got cardboard showin' and I know I got a couple more bowl fulls on the way. Godamn 'All You Can Eat Pasta Surprise'. I shoulda guessed something was wrong when I saw the 'Only Three Dollars' sign. Poverty is really startin' to suck.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 08-30-2012 at 03:31 PM..
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  #3  
Old 08-31-2012, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Okay, I know it's free writing. How about a bit of free commenting?
The 'over' reused so quickly in the second stanza dulls the effect.
'heaven from my hell' is a weak reworking of the cliche.
'lost souls'-cliche.
Stanza four. 'over' again. Perhaps you intend this word as some sort of marker throughout the piece?
The last stanza gives me the impression that this is a poem about misunderstanding and need.
However, I would need clearer imagery to be certain I understand the intention of the work.

Apologies if the foregoing is a bit caustic.
I can't always be blowin' air up under people's skirts (makes me dizzy).

Regards,
Nick



Whaaat!

It's just that I'm having commenter's remorse. This guy has always been so square with his responses. This looks almost ungrateful.

Pierce- shut the fuck up. He's a big boy. And he's smart enough to know you are simply going writer to writer. Not everyone thinks you're an asshole waiting to shit.

Thanks, Nick. I feel better now.

Great. Glad to hear it. Now toss me a fresh roll. This one's got cardboard showin' and I know I got a couple more bowl fulls on the way. Godamn 'All You Can Eat Pasta Surprise'. I shoulda guessed something was wrong when I saw the 'Only Three Dollars' sign. Poverty is really startin' to suck.


Glad your comments are free as I'm a bit skint right now
But hey, thanks for stopping by... here's what's what..

Dunno if you ever read this offering: bad lipreader if not, you may want to start there.
This piece (deja floyd) is a revisitation to that, hence the deja.. it really was one of those moments that had happened before.
Most of the clichés you can spot are actually references to certain lyrics or songs off the two albums I was listening to at the time, Wish You Were Here and Dark SIde Of The Moon (erm, Pink Floyd...just in case..) and they just seemed to fit the situation, and this writing was formed in about five minutes flat.

Take your point about repetitious use of over though. Shouldn't have used it in the first, but have a good reason for its presence in the 2nd and 4th as I was originally thinking along the lines of verses and chorus'..and the 2nd and 4th were going to be the chorus and therefore 'samey'.. so the 4th actually started with 'when I glance over' again but I then didn't like the look of it so changed glance to look but overlooked the over..if you see what I mean

And you are indeed right..it is a poem about need, and possibly misunderstanding. I watch very little tv.. I prefer music in all its forms..but the good woman in my life will insist on watching soap operas on tv..I absolutely detest them so on go the headphones and I'm into my own musical world..and while I'm listening I look over at her as she looks at the tv engrossed in the same old faces saying the same old lines and I think it's just such a waste of time.

How's that then? Imagery any clearer now?

And hey, don't worry..you're right.. I am a bog boy now and your perceived causticness is misfounded and much appreciated.

I've now edited it accordingly too.

Cheers chap

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Last edited by Rocker; 08-31-2012 at 09:07 AM..
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Old 08-31-2012, 01:31 PM
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Okay. Read bad lipreader. I get how this is sprung from that. Couldn't work a reference into the text, eh? (us hardheads need all the smoke we can get to find the fire)

With your explaining the piece is crystal when I reread it.
'steel breeze' That's a good one, Rocker.

Ever hear of a guitar name of 'Lucille'?
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Ever hear of a guitar name of 'Lucille'?
Well hell yeah!
And the way he told us about it...well that was poetry!
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Life is what happens when the music stops:


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