Originally Posted by Nick Pierce
Okay, I know it's free writing. How about a bit of free commenting?
The 'over' reused so quickly in the second stanza dulls the effect.
'heaven from my hell' is a weak reworking of the cliche.
Stanza four. 'over' again. Perhaps you intend this word as some sort of marker throughout the piece?
The last stanza gives me the impression that this is a poem about misunderstanding and need.
However, I would need clearer imagery to be certain I understand the intention of the work.
Apologies if the foregoing is a bit caustic.
I can't always be blowin' air up under people's skirts (makes me dizzy).
It's just that I'm having commenter's remorse. This guy has always been so square with his responses. This looks almost ungrateful.
Pierce- shut the fuck up. He's a big boy. And he's smart enough to know you are simply going writer to writer. Not everyone thinks you're an asshole waiting to shit.
Thanks, Nick. I feel better now.
Great. Glad to hear it. Now toss me a fresh roll. This one's got cardboard showin' and I know I got a couple more bowl fulls on the way. Godamn 'All You Can Eat Pasta Surprise'. I shoulda guessed something was wrong when I saw the 'Only Three Dollars' sign. Poverty is really startin' to suck.
Glad your comments are free as I'm a bit skint right now
But hey, thanks for stopping by... here's what's what..
Dunno if you ever read this offering: bad lipreader
if not, you may want to start there.
This piece (deja floyd) is a revisitation to that, hence the deja.. it really was one of those moments that had happened before.
Most of the clichés you can spot are actually references to certain lyrics or songs off the two albums I was listening to at the time, Wish You Were Here and Dark SIde Of The Moon (erm, Pink Floyd...just in case..) and they just seemed to fit the situation, and this writing was formed in about five minutes flat.
Take your point about repetitious use of over though. Shouldn't have used it in the first, but have a good reason for its presence in the 2nd and 4th as I was originally thinking along the lines of verses and chorus'..and the 2nd and 4th were going to be the chorus and therefore 'samey'.. so the 4th actually started with 'when I glance over' again but I then didn't like the look of it so changed glance to look but overlooked the over..if you see what I mean
And you are indeed right..it is a poem about need, and possibly misunderstanding. I watch very little tv.. I prefer music in all its forms..but the good woman in my life will insist on watching soap operas on tv..I absolutely detest them so on go the headphones and I'm into my own musical world..and while I'm listening I look over at her as she looks at the tv engrossed in the same old faces saying the same old lines and I think it's just such a waste of time.
How's that then? Imagery any clearer now?
And hey, don't worry..you're right.. I am a bog boy now and your perceived causticness is misfounded and much appreciated.
I've now edited it accordingly too.