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Old 01-11-2015, 08:17 PM
Littleink (Offline)
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I'm still working on this,and i have alot more to write.Tell me what you think about it,and anything i can do to make it better.Enjoy!hopefully.


It was a cold night, in the city; I was shivering from the strong winds, and the cold rain dribbling down my arms and face, and soaking my clothes to a pulp. It was about 12:38 am. I had just gotten back form a party, at my friends Annie’s house, and we stayed up kind of late. I was planning to go back and stay there until to the rain stopped but it was to late now. It would have taken me hours to get back to Annie’s. I stopped between Midiron Street and Johnny Street, at a local coffee shop. They weren’t open but I stood under one of the umbrellas outside, and waited until the rain lightened up. I waited and waited 10…20…. 30.40 minutes passed by. It was now 1:20 and I had to go before my “mom” got worried, and came looking for me. I waited for a second. “One, Two, Three, GO” I thought. I dashed down Midiron Street, towards 56th Street. The rain was coming down harder the ever. Each raindrop falling on my skin felt like someone gently flicking me over any over. I figured I couldn’t make it home in time, I settled down in a dumpster on the side of the street. Garbage day wasn’t far from now, but I knew I was going to be out of there by then. I crawled in the dumpster and curled up on the three large garbage bags. I used two off them stacked on top of each other as a pillow, and I didn’t even bother with a blanket. The smell was absolutely repulsive. It smelled like rotten fish, and a really bad case of body odor. It was worst than usual, but I just ignored it, and went to sleep.

I was awoken by gunshots not to far from me. I crawled out of the dumpster. The strong smell of cologne hit me, ”Hey, Jess!” he yelled. “Oh hey, Quincy, I could smell you from a mile away. Where’s the rest of the gang?” I asked. They’re in the alleyway, want to join us?” He asked. “Sure, but I gotta home in a lil bit, don’t wanna to to get my ma mad” I answered. Quincy and I walked side by side toward the alleyway. There was something different about Quincy though. His leather jacket was in tact; the overwhelming smell of cologne was normal. I couldn’t pin point it. I shrugged it off for the time being, and continued walking with Quincy. Quincy seemed very anxious, and giddy. I didn’t even bother to ask why. It was just weird.

As we neared the group, I noticed that they all seemed kind of anxious and giddy, just like Quincy. I knew something was up, and stood my ground. “Hey Jess, wanna blunt lil momma” Markus asked. ‘What? No, that stuff is nasty” I yelled. I thought about, that’s what was wrong with Quincy. He’s been hitting blunts. “Come on little shawty, just one puff. I promise you it won’t hurt you.” Cory said. I knew it wasn’t right but I didn’t want to go against them. The gang was the only real family I had. “ Hand it over here Quincy” I said. Quincy took a small box out of his jacket pocket. It was a brown packaging, with the words Blunt Paper written in a small circle with a strawberry next to it. “I’ll give you the strawberry one just so its not to bad your first time.” Quincy said shakily. “Are you sure you wanna go through with this lil momma?” I looked at him; he had a worried expression on his face. “Yeah, I’ll be ok.” I responded. I took the box out of Quincy’s hands, and took out a piece of blunt paper. It was brown with a slightly pink tint. I slowly unrolled it. Cory walked up to me, and poured some marijuana into the paper from a plastic bag, and helped me roll it up. “Do you wanna light it?” Cory asked, holding up a teal lighter. “ Sure.” I responded shakily. I took the lighter, and lit the paper. I slowly watched the paper burn. I knew I really didn’t want to do this, but I sucked it up and took a puff. I immediately, started coughing, and choking, but Quincy came over to me and handed me a bottle of water and patted me on the back. Quincy was like my big brother; he was always there for me and cared for me a lot. “You ok?” Quincy asked. “Yeah, I’m ok.” I replied. Quincy came towards me and hugged me. I hugged back and nuzzled my head into his chest. “I know you didn’t want to do that. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Ok jess.” Quincy whispered in my ear. “Ok Quincy” I whispered back. “ Quincy get off of her she’s fine, she doesn’t need you to hug her.” Markus yelled, as he pushed Quincy off of me. “ Bruh chill that’s my lil sis, I’m gonna be there for her.” Quincy yelled back. Some part of me felt different about Quincy, I can’t even describe it. It was just weird.

Quincy and Markus continued arguing back and forth. I knew this wasn’t going to end well, but I couldn’t get in the middle of it either, or I might get hurt. “Quincy, just leave the girl alone she doesn’t need you. If anything she hates you. I’m happy she took that blunt; it might help her toughen up.” Markus yelled while pushing Quincy against the wall. “ You make me sick. She’s only 14 years old. She didn’t need that.” Quincy said struggling to talk. “You’re only 15 Quincy, and I wasn’t the one who handed her the blunt paper.” Markus yelled at Quincy. Markus grabbed Quincy by the neck, and began to choke him. I began to cry, as I watched Markus yelling and cursing at Quincy. “ Stop!!” I cried. Everyone turned to look at me Markus, eyed me carefully. “Fine.” Markus said as he dropped Quincy. Quincy’s body fell hard to the ground, and was unconscious; he was bleeding from his forehead. “See kid, this is what happens when you don’t listen to me. “ Markus said with a large grin plastered on his face. I ran over to Quincy. His body was still, but warm. I placed my head on his chest. His heart was still beating. I ripped a piece of cloth from my shirt and wrapped it around his forehead. “Get off of him he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t want you.” Markus yelled. “Your lying, I know he loves me, and I’m not leaving without him.” I said wiping the blood off of Quincy’s nose. “Fine, then I guess your staying here by yourself.” Markus yelled as they walked out of the alleyway. “Fine I don’t need you anyway!” I yelled while crying into Quincy’s shoulder. I never saw the gang again.

It was about 7:00pm,the sun’s bright rays, seemed to fade behind the cloud, and was replaced by the moon. By 8:30,the stars almost seemed to twinkle in the sky. I looked over at Quincy who was still unconscious, his caramel skin was ice cold, and the tips of his fingers were frost bitten. I took of my jacket, which was now dry, and spread it over Quincy’s torso. I knew it wasn’t enough but it was all I had. I put my head on Quincy’s shoulder, and looked into the night sky, and hoped that I wouldn’t be street rat forever. I slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming about what will come next for me.

I awoke groggily, the sun was barely up, and the sky was a light blue. I looked around at my surroundings, around my waist were two arms.” Get off of me!” I yelled and I struggled trying to get out. I turned around and realized that it was Quincy. My head was placed snuggly under his and we were sitting up against a wall. I relaxed, and kissed him gently on the cheek. “You awake?” I asked whispering. “Yeah, my head hurts though” He replied. I turned around, to see that the piece of cloth that was around his forehead, was gone, and was now on the ground soaked with blood. His forehead wasn’t bleeding any more, and the cut was now a very light scar. “Quincy.” I asked. “ Yeah.” he replied. “ The gang left.” I said scared of his response. He breathed in heavily, and sighed, “I know”. I hugged him tightly and began to cry, ”Quincy, I’m so scared.” I cried. “I am too, but we’ll be ok as long as we had each other.” He replied hugging me equally as tightly. We stayed hugging each other, for at least another hour or so, and drifted back off to sleep.

I awoke for the second time around 8:30.I felt the cold wall against my back, and realized that Quincy was gone. There was a piece of paper on the ground a few feet away from me. I walked over to it, and it read:

Dear Jess,
I left to go pick up some food from the McDonalds around the block. We might have to share it though if you don’t mind. I only have five dollars that I found off the street. Thanks for being there for me. Markus is a douche bag, but I should be in like 5min.


Love,
Quincy





I lie back up against the wall, and put the note into my pants pocket. I waited gingerly for Quincy to come back. I waited and waited. I got up and rested my head on a nearby garbage bag in the alleyway. “I hope he gets something good, or at least decent. I mean why wouldn’t he is my big brother.” I said. I face palmed myself,” Am I really sitting here talking to myself, uggh I’m so bored.” I groaned. Since I was bored, my thoughts began to wander. I mean, what would happen if I didn’t stay with him, then he would be left here cold and alone and without a family. I couldn’t leave him. With his big dark green eyes, and and hair as black as night. His caramel skin and tall muscular structure…

“Hey, I got food. You alright.” Quincy said. Startled, I jumped up and looked at Quincy. “ Yeah I’m all good, what did ya get?” I asked. Quincy sat down on the concrete, next to me and pulled out a McGriddle out of the McDonald’s bag. I was starving and it smelled delicious. Quincy broke the sandwich in half and handed one to me. “Um, Jess can I ask ya a question.” Quincy asked while biting into his sandwich. “Sure I guess.” I replied questioningly. Quincy scooted closer to me.” Ok so look, um ok so you know when I went unconscious right.” He said looking directly at me. I nodded in reply. “Why did you kiss me?” He asked smiling. My caramel skin felt as hot as a summer’s day. “Oh that it was nothing.” I said blushing really hard. Quincy cocked his eyebrow. “Jess I know you like me, or you wouldn’t have kissed me.” He said with a straight face. My face went completely blank,” No I don’t what are you taking about. Who me? Like you? No it’s not possible.” I said blushing again. “Fine, then if its not possible, then I guess you won’t care if I do this.” Quincy said. Right then Quincy leaned in and kissed me. His lips were so soft and warm.


Last edited by Littleink; 01-12-2015 at 10:33 AM..
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Old 01-12-2015, 06:04 AM
Littleink (Offline)
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Sorry if i have some grammar,or spelling mistakes.I'll fix them in the final draft.

Last edited by Littleink; 01-12-2015 at 06:08 AM..
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Old 01-12-2015, 09:41 AM
TechnicalNinja (Offline)
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Separate your paragraphs with a blank line or you will have trouble getting anyone to read.

Don't worry about the indent, that doesn't work here.

If you post on the forum in this manner it is a whole lot more user friendly

Hope this helps
Rick
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Old 01-12-2015, 10:34 AM
Littleink (Offline)
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Originally Posted by TechnicalNinja View Post
Separate your paragraphs with a blank line or you will have trouble getting anyone to read.

Don't worry about the indent, that doesn't work here.

If you post on the forum in this manner it is a whole lot more user friendly

Hope this helps
Rick
thx
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Old 01-13-2015, 01:39 PM
SuperGurl (Offline)
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[QUOTE=Littleink;684190]I'm still working on this,and i have alot more to write.Tell me what you think about it,and anything i can do to make it better.Enjoy!hopefully.


It was a cold night, in the city; I was shivering from the strong winds, and the cold rain dribbling down my arms and face, and soaking my clothes to a pulp. It was about 12:38 am. I had just gotten back form a party, at my friends Annie’s house, and we stayed up kind of late. I was planning to go back and stay there until to the rain stopped but it was to late now. It would have taken me hours to get back to Annie’s. I stopped between Midiron Street and Johnny Street, at a local coffee shop. They weren’t open but I stood under one of the umbrellas outside, and waited until the rain lightened up. I waited and waited 10…20…. 30.40 minutes passed by. It was now 1:20 and I had to go before my “mom” got worried, and came looking for me. I waited for a second. “One, Two, Three, GO” I thought. I dashed down Midiron Street, towards 56th Street. The rain was coming down harder the ever. Each raindrop falling on my skin felt like someone gently flicking me over any over. I figured I couldn’t make it home in time, I settled down in a dumpster on the side of the street. Garbage day wasn’t far from now, but I knew I was going to be out of there by then. I crawled in the dumpster and curled up on the three large garbage bags. I used two off them stacked on top of each other as a pillow, and I didn’t even bother with a blanket. The smell was absolutely repulsive. It smelled like rotten fish, and a really bad case of body odor. It was worst than usual, but I just ignored it, and went to sleep.
They say not to open with the weather, but I like this opening paragraph a lot.
I was awoken by gunshots not to far from me. I crawled out of the dumpster. The strong smell of cologne hit me (that's a good description), ”Hey, Jess!” he yelled. “Oh hey, Quincy, I could smell you from a mile away. Where’s the rest of the gang?” I asked. They’re in the alleyway, want to join us?” He asked. “Sure, but I gotta home in a lil bit, don’t wanna to to get my ma mad” I answered. (You really should have separate paragraphs for each character's dialogue. It reads easier) Quincy and I walked side by side toward the alleyway. There was something different about Quincy though. His leather jacket was in tact; the overwhelming smell of cologne was normal. I couldn’t pin point it. I shrugged it off for the time being, and continued walking with Quincy. Quincy seemed very anxious, and giddy. I didn’t even bother to ask why. It was just weird.

As we neared the group, I noticed that they all seemed kind of anxious and giddy, just like Quincy. I knew something was up, and stood my ground. “Hey Jess, wanna blunt lil momma” Markus asked. ‘What? No, that stuff is nasty” I yelled. I thought about, that’s what was wrong with Quincy. He’s been hitting blunts. “Come on little shawty, just one puff. I promise you it won’t hurt you.” Cory said. I knew it wasn’t right but I didn’t want to go against them. The gang was the only real family I had. “ Hand it over here Quincy” I said. Quincy took a small box out of his jacket pocket. It was a brown packaging, with the words Blunt Paper written in a small circle with a strawberry next to it. “I’ll give you the strawberry one just so its not to bad your first time.” Quincy said shakily. “Are you sure you wanna go through with this lil momma?” I looked at him; he had a worried expression on his face. “Yeah, I’ll be ok.” I responded. I took the box out of Quincy’s hands, and took out a piece of blunt paper. It was brown with a slightly pink tint. I slowly unrolled it. Cory walked up to me, and poured some marijuana into the paper from a plastic bag, and helped me roll it up. “Do you wanna light it?” Cory asked, holding up a teal lighter. “ Sure.” I responded shakily. I took the lighter, and lit the paper. I slowly watched the paper burn. I knew I really didn’t want to do this, but I sucked it up and took a puff. I immediately, started coughing, and choking, but Quincy came over to me and handed me a bottle of water and patted me on the back. Quincy was like my big brother; he was always there for me and cared for me a lot. “You ok?” Quincy asked. “Yeah, I’m ok.” I replied. Quincy came towards me and hugged me. I hugged back and nuzzled my head into his chest. “I know you didn’t want to do that. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Ok jess.” Quincy whispered in my ear. “Ok Quincy” I whispered back. “ Quincy get off of her she’s fine, she doesn’t need you to hug her.” (I'm afraid your character comes across as kind of weak in this section. It doesn't seem to take much peer pressure to convince her. Maybe that's what you're going for, I just want you to know how she appears) Markus yelled, as he pushed Quincy off of me. “ Bruh chill that’s my lil sis, I’m gonna be there for her.” Quincy yelled back. Some part of me felt different about Quincy, I can’t even describe it. It was just weird. You use this sentence twice. Repetition can sometimes be effective, but here well... it reads just weird. :-)

Quincy and Markus continued arguing back and forth. I knew this wasn’t going to end well, but I couldn’t get in the middle of it either, or I might get hurt. This sentence seems kind of emotionless. I would try to emphasize a specific feeling: helplessness, frustration, fear, annoyance, or apprehension instead of saying "I might get hurt". “Quincy, just leave the girl alone she doesn’t need you. If anything she hates you. I’m happy she took that blunt; it might help her toughen up.” Markus yelled while pushing Quincy against the wall. “ You make me sick. She’s only 14 years old. She didn’t need that.” Quincy said struggling to talk. “You’re only 15 Quincy, and I wasn’t the one who handed her the blunt paper.” Markus yelled at Quincy. Markus grabbed Quincy by the neck, and began to choke him. I began to cry, as I watched Markus yelling and cursing at Quincy. “ Stop!!” I cried. Everyone turned to look at me Markus, eyed me carefully. “Fine.” Markus said as he dropped Quincy. Quincy’s body fell hard to the ground, and was unconscious; he was bleeding from his forehead. “See kid, this is what happens when you don’t listen to me. “ Markus said with a large grin plastered on his face. I ran over to Quincy. His body was still, but warm. I placed my head on his chest. His heart was still beating. I ripped a piece of cloth from my shirt and wrapped it around his forehead. “Get off of him he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t want you.” Markus yelled. “Your lying, I know he loves me, and I’m not leaving without him.” I said wiping the blood off of Quincy’s nose. “Fine, then I guess your staying here by yourself.” Markus yelled as they walked out of the alleyway. “Fine I don’t need you anyway!” I yelled while crying into Quincy’s shoulder. I never saw the gang again.

It was about 7:00pm,the sun’s bright rays, seemed to fade behind the cloud, and was replaced by the moon. By 8:30,the stars almost seemed to twinkle in the sky. I looked over at Quincy who was still unconscious, his caramel skin was ice cold, and the tips of his fingers were frost bitten. I took of my jacket, which was now dry, and spread it over Quincy’s torso. I knew it wasn’t enough but it was all I had. I put my head on
Quincy’s shoulder, and looked into the night sky, and hoped that I wouldn’t be street rat forever. That last part is too random. Delete "hoping I wouldn't be a street rat forever". I slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming about what will come next for me.

I awoke groggily, the sun was barely up, and the sky was a light blue. I looked around at my surroundings, around my waist were two arms.” Get off of me!” I yelled and I struggled trying to get out. I turned around and realized that it was Quincy. My head was placed snuggly under his and we were sitting up against a wall. I relaxed, and kissed him gently on the cheek. “You awake?” I asked whispering. “Yeah, my head hurts though” He replied. I turned around, to see that the piece of cloth that was around his forehead, was gone, and was now on the ground soaked with blood. His forehead wasn’t bleeding any more, and the cut was now a very light scar Is he super human? :-). “Quincy.” I asked. “ Yeah.” he replied. “ The gang left.” I said scared of his response. He breathed in heavily, and sighed, “I know”. I hugged him tightly and began to cry, ”Quincy, I’m so scared.” I cried. “I am too, but we’ll be ok as long as we had each other.” He replied hugging me equally as tightly. We stayed hugging each other, for at least another hour or so, and drifted back off to sleep.

I awoke for the second time around 8:30.I felt the cold wall against my back, and realized that Quincy was gone. There was a piece of paper on the ground a few feet away from me. I walked over to it, and it read:

Dear Jess,
I left to go pick up some food from the McDonalds around the block. We might have to share it though if you don’t mind. I only have five dollars that I found off the street. Thanks for being there for me. Markus is a douche bag, but I should be in like 5min.


Love,
Quincy





I lie Tense issue, stay in past tense back up against the wall, and put the note into my pants pocket. I waited gingerly Not sure about the word gingerly for Quincy to come back. I waited and waited. I got up and rested my head on a nearby garbage bag in the alleyway. “I hope he gets something good, or at least decent. I mean why wouldn’t he is my big brother.” I said. I face palmed myself,” Am I really sitting here talking to myself, uggh I’m so bored.” Sorry, pet peeve, but saying I'm talking to myself seems like exposition! I would cut it and just have her murmur that she hopes he gets something decent. I groaned. Since I was bored Delete since I was bored, my thoughts began to wander. I mean, what would happen if I didn’t stay with him, then he would be left here cold and alone and without a family. I couldn’t leave him. With his big dark green eyes, and and hair as black as night. His caramel skin and tall muscular structure… Okay, no one would say "his tall muscular structure". That's what you would say. Jess would say something like "I feel so safe in his strong arms" or something.

“Hey, I got food. You alright.” Quincy said. Startled, I jumped up and looked at Quincy. “ Yeah I’m all good, what did ya get?” I asked. Quincy sat down on the concrete, next to me and pulled out a McGriddle out of the McDonald’s bag. I was starving and it smelled delicious. Quincy broke the sandwich in half and handed one to me. “Um, Jess can I ask ya a question.” Quincy asked while biting into his sandwich. “Sure I guess.” I replied questioningly. Quincy scooted closer to me.” Ok so look, um ok so you know when I went unconscious right.” He said looking directly at me. I nodded in reply. “Why did you kiss me?” He asked smiling. My caramel skin felt as hot as a summer’s day. Also, no one would describe their own skin! “Oh that it was nothing.” I said blushing really hard. Quincy cocked his eyebrow. “Jess I know you like me, or you wouldn’t have kissed me.” He said with a straight face. My face went completely blank,” No I don’t what are you taking about. Who me? Like you? No it’s not possible.” I said blushing again. “Fine, then if its not possible, then I guess you won’t care if I do this.” Quincy said. Right then Quincy leaned in and kissed me. His lips were so soft and warm. This last line is good. [/QUOTE]

Hey there!

Sorry if I seemed kind of critical, I honestly really liked your first paragraph. And, I don't usually do a line-by-line critique, so there must be something special here! I am a character writer, and I was drawn to your two main characters' relationship. Good start for a story.

Besides my above comments, which are only opinions of course, I would again suggest that you separate each line of dialogue. Look at how they do it in published books. Also, you sometimes describe things without much emotion, which is a shame because your character has the capacity for great emotion. Always put yourself in her shoes, always write her emotions. Like the last line--it felt very honest.

Okay, that's all I got! Thanks for posting!
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Old 01-13-2015, 01:50 PM
MegaGinger (Offline)
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This was really long. Is the burger part really important? I like where this is going though.
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