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#1
08-15-2015, 03:02 PM
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Script - Untitled
FADE IN: EXT. BALCONY OF EXPENSIVE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT JON DUNN, one of Hollywood’s top-tier action stars for almost 15 years, is standing on the balcony, his shirt open to catch the breeze, revealing his muscular torso. Jon sips a whisky from a crystal glass and is slightly swaying, eyes at half mast, clearly intoxicated. He brings the glass up to one eye. DIRECT CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI YACHT CLUB – NIGHT We see a distorted view of Christmas lights decorating the ships docked at the Yacht Club. DIRECT CUT TO: EXT. BALCONY-NIGHT Still holding the glass to his eye, Jon bobs his head, seemingly in time with the rising of the boats in the water. LAURA (O.S.) (voice belongs to young woman) Are you concentrating down here at all? Camera pans down to reveal Laura, a young, beautiful woman in a tight dress kneeling in front of Jon. JON (sighs as he does up his pants) You gave it the old college try, but that right there is a prime example of whisky dick. He reaches down to give her a hand up but is unable to keep steady. She bats it away and manages to get up on her own. Once standing, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and adjusts her dress with the other. LAURA So the notorious Jon Dunn, Hollywood’s biggest stud, is really an old fart who can’t get it up anymore.TRACKING SHOT: INT. LIVING ROOM OF THE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Jon walks unsteadily to a fully loaded bar and pours himself another drink. Laura follows him in. JON Unfortunately sometimes when I over-indulge in one passion (he gently shakes the glass), my other fails me. LAURA That’s what they make Viagrra for.JON That would involve too much pre-planning. Look, you’re a beautiful woman, but obviously at the moment it’s wasted on me. Why don’t we call it a night? Are you staying here? LAURA Right, like they would put me up in a place like this. No, most of the crew is stuck in a Marriott. JON Sorry. Look, I’ll call you a driver. (He picks up a land-line phone) Tony, a young lady, Lori … LAURA (interrupts him)Laura, asshole. JON (for the first time embarrassed)I’m sorry. Laura, will be down shortly. Will you arrange to take her home … thanks, buddy. Laura grabs her purse off a chair. Jon starts for the door to open it for her. LAURA (holds up one hand)Don’t bother. I’ve got it. TRACKING SHOT: She opens door and leaves. Jon goes to the bar, picks up a script and goes back out to the balcony and sits in one of the cushioned chairs. He starts to flip through the script when his cellphone rings. He checks to see who is calling. The name MERIDITH is on the phone screen. JON Hey. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) I’ve heard they’ve delayed shooting for a few days. JON Someone fucked up the permits. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) You’re cursing. That means your drunk. It also means another two hours in the gym in the morning. That gives you the afternoon to look over the script for M4. JON I’ve got it right here in my impotent lap.MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) What?JON Nothing. Bad joke. (pause) Now quit stalling with the exercise and concentrating on my work shit. I know why you really called. The Golden Globes, Mer. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) I know. He got lucky, Jon. JON When I found that son-of-a-bitch he was a god-dammed barista at Starbucks. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) He’s a good kid. It was a great part. JON Where’re my great parts? MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) You know damn well you were too old for that roll.JON Mer, we’re not married anymore. You’ve lost your ball-breaking privileges. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) As your agent I still retain full privileges. Now, quit feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve done all right. Better than all right. JON Look, I’m not a total ass. I know most guys would give their left nut for the career I’ve had. Hell, both nuts. But, I’m sitting here reading Mayhem 4: London. Is there really a reason for anyone to see another Mayhem movie, no matter where the hell it is? MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) As long as there are 14-year-old boys, and men who think like 14-year-old boys, who are willing to fork over the $13 a pop to see you make mayhem, then yes. I for one, and your accountant for another, think there’re millions of reasons. JON Were you always this much of a greedy bitch? MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) Yes. So, what are you going to do? You know you don’t do well when you have too much time on your hands. JON Too late. A make-up-artist. It didn’t go well. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) (sighs) Why don’t you try something more constructive? If you don’t like the scripts that are coming your way, write one yourself. The play you wrote in college was pretty damn good. JON Co-wrote.MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) Oh yes. The great college love. What was her name?JON Jenny. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) Jenny. You say her name like she was Mother Theresa and Katie Holmes all rolled into one. What’s she doing now? JON I haven’t the foggiest. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) Doesn’t matter. You don’t need her. After 20 years in the business, I’m sure you know enough to write a decent script. Go to bed, get up in the morning, keep the booze behind the bar and give it a go.JON Just like that?MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) Why not? JON (agreeing)Why not? Thanks. Love ya. MERIDITH’S VOICE (ON PHONE) Love you, too. Now go to bed. JON K. Jon turns off phone and puts it on the table next to him. He sits looking out at the boats in the water. JON (whispers)Jenny A smile comes to his face, and he picks up the script and looks at his lap. JON Where the hell were you 5 minutes ago? FADE OUT: 
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#2
08-15-2015, 04:45 PM
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(I gave up sharing Screenplays on this site because the software murders the the traditional layout. I'm still waiting to find out if html and/or pdf will work on the site. I can see you tried to get the format to work. It didn't. As you know, the dialogue is a column running down the middle of he page, with char. names centered above it. Your dialogue was good in that each line came off the preceeding line which makes it seem natural. On the phone don't call for OS. Call for (FILTERED) behind the speaker's name. Due to the power of the DGA the current style is not to use transitional cues such as: CUT TO or DISSOLVE TO . You master scene lines where ok. I'm used to having a script which I can mark up. This is really hard to this way. Most or the sites on the net which deal with the layout want html or pdf. I think both work. I don't think I've been much help. But I have a suggestion: try writing a few pages where you tell the story without directorial cues. It makes a cleaner storytelling experience. And the reader doesn't need to be a movie makiing insider to read it. In a way, I'm suggesting using a playwrights POV in telling your story. But don't use the layout for theater for movies. Keep writing. Have a nice writing day.)
__________________
You're not dead 'til you're dead and when you are you won't know it. So, keep on writing and having fun.
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#3
08-15-2015, 10:14 PM
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I liked this. I don't know as much as old guy^ about script formatting, but I don't think it mattered much--I had no trouble following the dialogue, seeing the scene in my head or getting the jokes. I thought it was funny, and sweet in a drunken, clumsy kind of way (on the part of the MC, not the author), and I would probably keep watching (or reading) to see where you're taking me with this.
There were a couple things that bugged me. Jon is awfully smooth and erudite for being past-tipsy drunk. He doesn't seem to make any slips of the tongue and he uses long statements like "That would involve too much pre-planning. Look, you’re a beautiful woman, but obviously at the moment it’s wasted on me." It just doesn't read like he's drunk to me. But I think the action and events and most of the content of the dialogue were well-executed.
__________________
Writer, Player, Thinker, Maker. MunroCraft.com
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#4
08-16-2015, 05:14 AM
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Old Guy - If I post more of this, I will follow your advice. I had it in this format and didn't want to bother changing it.
Uncephalized - You're absolutely right about Jon's dialogue. I'll have to play with it some to find a good balance - make him a little less drunk and have him ramble a little more. Thank you both for the read.
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#5
08-24-2015, 09:32 AM
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I read this the other day, but didn't get a chance to comment.
I really liked it. It held my interest all the way through and it was entertaining. The only thing is I wish there were more. It definitely had me wanting to know where things are going next.
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Jolly (08-25-2015) | ||
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#6
08-29-2016, 04:56 AM
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I like it
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