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Old 06-25-2012, 10:30 PM
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INT. ALEKSY’S PLACE - MORNING

ALEKSY awakens in dusty rays of sunlight filtering through a boarded window. He lies in a bathtub lined with pillows. As he rolls onto his side he hears some commotion in another room. Children can be heard playing outside. A motor scooter buzzes by.

ALEKSY sits up on the edge of the bathtub. He wears a striped tank top, shorts, and a pair of old, dirty white tennis shoes. He leaves the bathroom and walks into the kitchen, turning on the burner and preparing a kettle for coffee. He notices a cockroach on the counter away from him and becomes fixated. He bends down, takes off one of his shoes, and returns to the counter to find the roach is closer. Its feelers wander in the air. ALEKSY takes one step closer and raises the shoe carefully, then brings the shoe straight down on the insect. He inspects the scene. The roach isn’t there - not squashed on the counter. There are no roach guts on the shoe. He scoffs in confusion.

There is a rapid knocking at the front door. ALEKSY drops the shoe on the floor, slips it back on, and finds the front door. Upon opening it, he is unsurprised though slightly perturbed to see his friend, DMITRI.

DMITRI
Hey buddy. Ready to go?

ALEKSY
Yeah, one sec. You want coffee?

DMITRI waves his hand no. ALEKSY turns the burner off in the kitchen. Before leaving, he stops by the bedroom. The room is sparse - decorated only with a bed, table, lamp, and ashtray filled with cigarettes. Some clothes on the floor. A girl lies in the bed, her shoulder-length black hair draping over the side. She wears an old white tee-shirt and panties. She moans quietly and curls up into a ball. ALEKSY closes the door and heads outside.


EXT. ALEKSY’S APARTMENT BUILDING

DMITRI and ALEKSY walk through the concrete corridor leading to the contained stairwell. The floor is sticky and lined with butts, dirt, plastic bags and bottles, a toy. DMITRI turns to ALEKSY, pointing at the front door of ALEKSY’s apartment.

DMITRI
What, you don’t lock your shit?

ALEKSY
There’s nothing anybody wants in there. You got any snow?

DMITRI
Nah. I wouldn’t share that shit with you, anyway. You’re like a fucking mosquito.

DMITRI pinches his own arm and make a sucking noise. They make their way down the stairwell to the first floor. Between each floor of the stairwell is a narrow horizontal opening in the wall through which sunlight runs. They reach the bottom hastily. The apartment building is far in disrepair. It falls of orange-red paint chips, draped over a soviet-era monolithic structure. They find DMITRI’s car - a rusted 1980’s Cadillac - and get in. DMITRI starts the car, puts on some electronic music with Russian lyrics, and pulls out onto the road.


EXT. **SOME ROAD**

In the middle of the road is a large dirt-filled crevice which DMITRI expertly avoids, as practiced, kicking up dust behind the tires.

DMITRI
So what’s up with the girl. Isabel?

ALEKSY
Isabella.

DMITRI
Yeah, her.

ALEKSY
I don’t know. She’s alright. A little bit sucking the life out of me with her sickness. I mean, I can do okay with a dry spell but she takes it hard. I feel bad but, well... I don’t know.

DMITRI
I’m surprised she’s staying with you and your ugly ass when she could easily hit up some big ass banker for money if she wanted. Hey, there’s an idea. Eh?

ALEKSY
She’s not a whore, man.

DMITRI
I don’t mean she’d have to fuck him or anything like that. You know...

ALEKSY
That’s it, seriously. Enough.

DMITRI
Okay.

ALEKSY peers pensively out the side car window. Tall-growing weeds and stranded blades of grass decorate the sidewalk. A woman stands by the street, pouring a bucket into the gutter. A group of children ride by on bicycles. Rows of old soviet buildings fall into the distance.


EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE LOT

They park at the local convenience store and pharmacy.


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE

The store is your average marriage of grocery rows, a checkout desk up front and a pharmacy in the back. ALEKSY and DMITRI greet the store manager, a short and stout getabout woman in her 40’s. They then head for the bathroom to get changed into job attire.


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE BATHROOM

DMITRI
You like what you see?

ALEKSY
Toss me my pants, would you?

The men get dressed, black pants, black collared shirt for DMITRI. Blue button-up shirt and khakis and the same old dirty sneakers for ALEKSY. He washes his hands and while peering down at his feet he notices a cockroach skittering across the floor. He intercepts it with the sole of his shoe - a resoundingly loud stomp. He lifts his foot up to see the damage, but there is no cockroach. No guts, no spindly legs sqirming around, no feelers. No bug.

ALEKSY (CONT'D)
Fucking buggers. I swear I’m going insane with these houdini cockroaches.

DMITRI
Just another day in a conditional workplace. Shake it off, you’ll get

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  #2  
Old 09-24-2012, 05:11 AM
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Hello Futureblues !

Here is my first comment on a text here, i hope it'll be useful and not too completely off track ^^

My remarks :

- your descriptions are really good ! The setting is easily visualized, the actions are clear. It's really pleasant to read.

- i don't know if this extract is from the beginning of the story or else. But here, i think we need the characters' ages and a little more description of what they look like. It'd be easier to be in empathy with the characters with a little more details.

- I think Dmitri and Aleksy talk very much alike : they have the same language level (colloquial), the same way to say things, same flow, same long sentences (But maybe i'm wrong). It can be confusing: each character needs his own way of saying things, it's part of his characterization. Moreover, when you have a dialogue, defining characters by contrasts is very easy and often efficient (such as: a talkative guy VS a silent one). The way they talk reflect the way they think.

Apart from that, dialogues are well written

Good job in any case. Is it for a short film or a full-length one ? (Or else ?)
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Old 09-30-2013, 04:18 PM
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Pretty interesting
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