The latest 10 min play, hot off the Malicki press. A satire on plays about body parts.
Con – a flavoured condom. Wears a single-coloured spandex outfit.
Tammy – a tampon. White outfit with a green string between her legs.
The Cockgina – a hybrid penis and vagina. Stands with feet together and knees spread. Body is erect.
Elaborate costumes are highly recommended.
Tammy and Con shuffle onto the stage.
Tammy: Hi Con.
Con: Hey Tammy. Haven’t seen you here for a while. How long’s it been? About three weeks?
Tammy: Sorry. I’ve been at work.
Con: Oh yeah. How is work?
Tammy: Always the same bloody thing. You?
Con: Oh, I was completely pissed off last night.
Tammy: How come?
Con: My boss was drunk again. Forgot to take me off.
Tammy: Your boss is a dick.
Con: Oh yeah, he’s a massive cock. I was trapped in the bathroom and spent half the night banging my head against the wall. Not that that’s unusual, I guess.
Tammy: You poor thing. But my
manager is going to make me redundant.
Con: That’s ridiculous! You look after a vital process at your workplace!
Tammy: I thought so too, but the CEO started taking hormone pills to help her perform better and my work flow’s dried up.
Con: Won’t your manager put herself out for you?
Tammy: No. She’s a pussy. I spoke to her on Wednesday and she said, “Tammy, I know you’ve been working your way up for quite some time, but there’s nothing I can do.” I said “C’mon, help me out.” There was a real pregnant pause, then she said, “There’s nothing I can do. Period.”
Con: You know, Tammy, this wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. You could finally take a vacation. Why not go Down Under and see the Australian bush?
Tammy: It’s too dry for me there. Besides, no job, no money.
Con: I can lend you cash. I’ve made a little bit on the side.
Tammy: No thanks. There’s always strings attached. (adjusts her string
Con: Fine then.
Tammy: What about you? What’s been up?
Con: Actually… I’m writing a play.
Tammy: A play?
Con: Yes. It’s about… (giggly
) A pair of breasts!
Tammy: Breasts? What do you know about breasts? They’re hardly your area of expertise.
Con: Well, I’m investigating the topic, like a private dick. You know, trying to get up there and in between them.
Tammy: Okay. What happens in the play?
Con: Well, Pamela wants to hang out with her Russian friend Titiana. Titiana wants to stay in but Pamela is busting to get loose. She’s a real handful, that one.
Tammy: Let’s hear some of the dialogue.
Con: Okay then. “Pamela: Hi Tit. How’s it hanging? Titiana: It has been swell, Pam.”
Tammy: “It has been swell”? Con, that’s so artificial.
Con: It gets better. “Pamela: did you hear that Barbra
and I have started swinging?” Get it? Swinging! (makes swinging gesture
Tammy: Con, I hate to say it, but people don’t go to the theatre to see plays about body parts. They want high drama. Like: a man is on death row, and he discovers that the prosecutor is actually his father and the prostitute he raped to death was his grandmother. He asks for his execution to be brought forward and says, “For my last meal, I’d like a plate of remorse.”
Con: Knock Knock, Knockers
has a serious side, too! Pamela gets cancer and has to be replaced by a silicon bag.
Tammy: I can’t see it being pushed up to the front of any theatre producer’s stack.
Con: You’re bagging it before you’ve even read it. I thought you Libras were supposed to be fair and balanced.
Tammy: It’s just not a top idea. A play about a bottom – now that
Con crosses his arms and turns away.
Con: It’s not easy being a condom, you know. I get rolled down the length of a penis and shafted into a vagina. Sometimes I even get shoved up a butthole! I don’t care if it’s four degrees warmer up there, it’s disgusting
! My life can be really shitty.
Tammy: True, that is pretty gay. But do you think I
have it easy? At least you get used in acts of love; I
have to sop up red blood cells and bits of old egg. “Oops, I’m soiling the carpet again. I’ll just shove Tammy up the ol’ fur pie.”
Con: Bleeding hell, it doesn’t even compare.
Tammy: No?! You ever been flushed down the toilet?
Con: Millions of times.
Tammy: On a boat? Stuck in the plumbing for three days, spat out into the ocean and swallowed by a shark? That ever happen to you?
Con: Ever been blown up like a balloon and bashed around at a rock concert?
Tammy: Anyone ever forgotten you were inside them for an entire week
Con: You’re an idiot if you think you can outdo me.
stuffed in the head.
Con: Whatever. You’re an idiot.
Tammy: Yeah? Well you’re an enormous boob!
Con and Tammy glare at each other, then Con starts snickering. Tammy frowns, then realises what she’s said and starts snickering too.
Tammy: Oh my, I called you an “enormous boob.”
Con: I racked my brains for hours and didn’t think of that one. I’m going to use it in my play!
Tammy: Ooh, ooh! They go outside and Pamela says, “It’s a bit nippy
They both laugh.
Con: Now things are getting tit
Tammy: I can hardly keep abreast
of all these new developments
Con: You’re a natural
. What else have you got?
Tammy: We could write one about a pair of testicles. Ron goes nuts because he ballsed up at work and got the sack. He runs away and leaves Jeremy hanging.
Con: Or your cheeky idea of a play about a bum. A real smart arse called Fanny, who’s never
the butt of a joke.
Tammy: Would the anus be involved?
Con: You really want to go there?
Suddenly, the Cockgina leaps on from offstage. It shuffles over, walking erectly with feet together and knees spread wide. A theatrical character.
Cockgina: Enough! Enough puns!
Tammy: Who are you?
Cockgina: I am the Cockgina. Half cock, half vagina. I come from the Union of Body Parts and I’m here to stop these horrible puns.
Con: On whose authority?
Cockgina: Mine! I am the department head.
Tammy: Where did you come from?
) Are you tryingto provoke me?
Tammy: That was a perfectly innocent question!
Cockgina: Us body parts have had it up to here (indicates midpoint
) with this mockery.
Con: What cockery?
Cockgina: I’ll tear you a new one, sonny.
Con: Yeah? And then what? You want the person using me to give someone herpes? VD is nothing to clap about, you know.
Cockgina: Listen, you two, this has to stop. Puns are the lowest form of wit.
Tammy: I think that’s sarcasm.
Cockgina: No, I mean it.
Tammy: I meant that the expression is supposed to start with “sarcasm.”
Cockgina: Why would I say any
of it sarcastically if I mean it?
Con: Are we really going to do this?
Tammy: What do you want from us anyway, Dickgina?
Cockgina: It’s Cock
gina. I want your commitment to end these horrible puns.
Con: Why? What’s wrong with puns?
Cockgina: They’re unsophisticated and unfunny. They neither educate nor amuse and are therefore a waste of words.
Tammy: I don’t know about that. Con’s play gave me a titter.
Con: I’m writing a play about breasts.
Cockgina: But why? What’s the point of breasts?
Con: They’re a laugh.
Cockgina: I hardly think so.
Tammy: I think you have no sense of humour, Cockgina. You hate puns because you don’t even get them.
Cockgina: Not true.
Tammy: You’re just a giant wang.
Con: A big twat.
Tammy: A huge knob.
Con: A mammoth c-
Cockgina: Enough! You want to know why I despise puns? Because they’re rarely done well. If you’re going to get points from puns you had better be a master.
Con: And I suppose you’re
a master, are you?
Cockgina: As it so happens, I am. Could outpun the world’s quickest man. (expectant pause
) As in outrun
. Fastest being either speed-wise or wit-wise.
Tammy: We got it, Cockvulva.
Con: It just wasn’t very good.
Cockgina: It’s Cockgina.
And fine, I’ll play rough. You’re writing a play about breasts?
Cockgina: Did they have a nip of gin and get a bit titsy? Anyone set a booby trap? Did one say, “You’re my breast friend. Whoops, Freudian nip”?
Con: Well, not yet, but…
Cockgina: Have you got a pun on gazongas?
Cockgina: There’s only one, and you’ll never get it.
Tammy: We had ideas for other body parts.
Cockgina: Such as?
Tammy: A butt and some balls.
Cockgina: Are all of your script ideas vulgar?
Con: What’s wrong with vulgar?
Cockgina: It’s lowbrow. Scripts need to have depth and drama, like, a man is under the witness protection program, and his wife discovers his past when the six-year-old mobster Johnny Pacino comes looking for a buried heroin stash, then the husband has to impersonate a child to get into Pacino’s primary school to take his girlfriend hostage.
Tammy: I’d go see that.
. I’d be more interested in a poo who’s trying to escape from the toilet before he gets flushed.
Cockgina: Sounds like craptrap.
) Oh my god, Pricklabia, do you realise what you just said?
Tammy: Crap trap. “Claptrap” means “nonsense” or “rubbish,” and “crap trap” is trapped crap. That’s a two-in-one pun.
Cockgina: That’s right. And if you’re not that good or better, you really shouldn’t bother.
Con: It’s not that
good. I’ve heard far better.
Cockgina: No shit?
Con: That’s right. I’ve even heard clean
puns that top that.
Cockgina: Prove it.
Con: Alright. Why can’t pigeons form a military?
Cockgina: This’ll be good.
Con: The government always hears them talking about a “coo.”
Tammy laughs. Cockgina is unimpressed.
Cockgina: Mine was better.
Con: Nuh uh.
Cockgina: You really think you can outdo me?
Cockgina: Fine. We’ll have a pun-off. The tampon will pick a topic and adjudicate. I can trust your objectivity, tampon?
Tammy: I am
Cockgina: If I win, you will never utter another pun about body parts in your life.
Con: Deal. And if I win, you have to smell my farts, and you have to enjoy them.
Con and the Cockgina eyeball each other.
Cockgina: Tampon, what’s the topic?
Tammy: Um, well, it should be something we’re all familiar with. What about vaginas?
Con: Too easy. I know them intimately.
Cockgina: And I’m half vagina! (to Con
) You’re going down.
Con: Ooh, really? Not afraid you’ll muff this up?
Cockgina: I cunt see that happening.
Con and Tammy exchange a look.
Tammy: Did you just say…?
Cockgina: Cunt? I did indeed. If you’re doing vagina puns it has to be no holes barred.
Con: Isn’t that crossing the line?
Cockgina: What line? Cunt say I’ve ever heard of one. I cunt imagine why I cunt say cunt when I’m talking about them.
Tammy: The C-word is out of bounds.
Cockgina: Only for pussies. At The Vagina Monologues
they made the audience sing a song replacing every single word with “cunt.”
Con: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.
Cockgina: A true pun master will go anywhere
Con: I… I can’t…
Cockgina: Looks like I’m the winner, condom. You are officially banned from making your vacuous puns. Let this be a lesson to you: if you can’t outdo the Cockgina, you might as well go home.
Cockgina starts to leave the stage.
Con: Go fuck yourself!
Cockgina: I’m half penis, half vagina. What else am I going to do?
The Cockgina leaves
Con: I lost. I couldn’t out-pun the Cockgina.
Tammy: I don’t think many could.
Con: So I guess Knock Knock, Knockers
will never see the stage.
Tammy: Maybe it’s for the best. Let those wanky theatre people watch something with more substance than a pair of tits on stage.
) So what do I do now? Sit in a packet and wait for some guy to get horny?
Tammy: That is
your destiny. (pause
) But hey, you feel like a drink?
Con: I’d love to get a stiff one into me right now.
Tammy puts her arm around Con and they walk off stage together.
Tammy: Come on, my friend. Let’s go back to my…pad.