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  #61  
Old 03-27-2017, 06:50 PM
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Good for you.

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  #62  
Old 03-28-2017, 03:40 PM
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I'm glad you approve. Now I can sleep easy tonight. Phew.
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  #63  
Old 03-28-2017, 04:13 PM
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Cool story, bro.
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  #64  
Old 03-29-2017, 09:03 PM
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And yet you didn't like my John Fisher story. I'm disappointed in you.
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  #65  
Old 03-30-2017, 04:29 AM
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Meh.
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  #66  
Old 04-10-2017, 09:16 AM
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Yes. There is a strong plot and subplot with a few pretty round characters. You have achieved in delivering a story.

I really liked the introduction of the character "Enigmus". It makes the whole thing flow well.

However, to improve you could think about moving the subplot up sooner. The subplot of the 12 year old being royalty should come with other hints. Maybe make the first chapter a little longer.
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  #67  
Old 10-12-2017, 01:28 PM
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Thanks for the feedback, Escriber!
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  #68  
Old 10-12-2017, 01:49 PM
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uhh, wow. havent looked at this in a while.

It's very polished. while I wouldn't neccesarily read it ( It's probably geared towards younger adults) with enough content (good content, mind you) I might recommend to a friend.

I think that what you have here is a great start, but it still needs some work (finishing it, maybe?)
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  #69  
Old 10-15-2017, 12:47 PM
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I would
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  #70  
Old 10-27-2017, 12:26 PM
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Lockette, I actually have finished this novel.

Also, where do you think it needs work?

Prophecyoftruth, thanks for reading!
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  #71  
Old 10-27-2017, 06:29 PM
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This isnt my brand of whiskey but I am guessing as Lockette said this is geared towards young adults. That said the setup is fairly bare and theres no sense of place or purpose. Where you lost me was when Enigmus spieled out the you real parents are celestial and I mean Hero with a Thousand Faces and the Golden Bough and all that its still far too obvious and theres no preparation for it. Theres no sense that there is anything special about be John.

Truth be told it reminded me very much of Terminator 2. The twist of the killer guardian, the cops being bad guys, even the protagonist is called John and that fact that is surname is Fisher has its own Christological connotations.

I dont know all that it would take to make this a good novel but I think fleshing out the beginning would be a good start.
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  #72  
Old 10-28-2017, 04:36 AM
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("...my curiosity is pipped somewhat, I mean I note how that there are over 8000hits to this thread alone, yet may one know how many hits has the work on the website received..." asked the goblin politely)

Last edited by fleamailman; 11-01-2017 at 03:23 PM..
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  #73  
Old 11-01-2017, 01:18 PM
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bluewpc, I'll take the fact that you read most or all of it to be the real feedback here. I think most pieces posted on the forum lose the reader after a paragraph or two, so I'm happy my story intrigued you enough and held your attention to read for several chapters.

fleamailman, if you mean my author website, I have no idea. I took it down a long time ago and never paid attention to how many visitors it actually got.
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  #74  
Old 11-01-2017, 11:57 PM
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For context and reference this critique was made with the story ending at chapter 7

To answer your question, yes I would continue reading.

Truth be told, there were instances in the story where the quality and polish dipped; specifically in the latter half of the adventure.

The first instance in where I was taken away from the story was during the car chase. You did a great job describing the chase itself and the action but where you fell short was in the dialogue. I didn’t feel as though the conversation with John and the officer reflected the panic and tension you were going for in that scene. Forgive my lack of specific quotes as evidence but from what I can recall John’s questions were really distracting and not in a good way. I understand John was meant to be distracting the officer, hence the angered answers, but what I mean by distracting is most of the questions John was asking either weren’t questions I believe anyone would ask in that sort of high suspense situation or, for those questions that did make sense, they were made too calmly and almost monotone. In summary, the way the action was written and the way the the officer was written was golden but the way John was written pales in comparison.
One thing I didn’t look for but am now thinking about while
typing this is werhee there was any sense of direction in
that scene. I’ll reread the story and update my post after.

In the last couple of chapters where John finds out his true origin there were a couple of minor issues that if isolated would not merit negativity but together in the way that they are definitely takes away from the experience. Firstly, you introduced the other officers but did nothing with them besides describe how they were positioned. I’m not saying you have to go in depth on their background or personality but a bit of dialogue to get a sense of their character and attitude would help (yes I understand that’s what the description of their stances was for but it didn’t tell me much about them). Second, the names of the planet and galaxy was a bit too goofy for the kind of story you seem to be writing. Perhaps make the names you choose directly based off of something in real life that can allude to elements of your story or be representative of aspects of your story. For example, the names of the planets in our solar system are named off of Greek and Roman gods, perhaps you can do somethin similar in your story and have it be symbolic in some way, you seem to have done it with Enigmus try to do it with everything else too. Also just a little critique to go along with this, John’s name is too normal. From the comments that I read it appeared as though originally his last name was Moonshine and his first at one point was Cain, find a middle ground between Cain Moonshine and John Fisher to make him stand out but not be too silly. Lastly, finding out the true identity of John was not satisfying. There was nothing to allude to his identity besides the gun Enigmus used in the car chase but this sole hint was not enough and it only made me think that Enigmus was from the future. You did very good in setting up the reveal of the officers not being who they say they are but not so much for the hero of the story.

Some positive things: I like that you didn’t forget John still has a mother that would be worried for him and actually address this in his origin reveal. The chip thing was really cool too, just be careful with it because from what I understood he’s able to be fully seen by his parents and presumably the antagonist as well. If this is the case then they could see everything that is happening and his parents lives could be taken in consequence. What I’m saying is maybe find a way for the heroes to completely turn of the chip (besides just throwing it on the ground) or control it. Enigmus is this far my favorite character. His name being derived from Enigma meaning problem or question was brilliant.

-Caligrafo
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  #75  
Old 11-02-2017, 01:03 PM
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Overall, I would definitely continue reading this, but there are a couple of things I would say need a bit of work.

This is probably a little nitpicky, but I have a bit of a problem with Enigmus. Not the character himself but his name. While Enigmus itself is a fine name for an alien, he also is on earth. If an alien was on earth they'd probably use some sort of alias as they'd most probably need to interact with humans in some way, especially a bounty hunter who is at odds with this powerful agency that kidnapped John. To me, it seems a little unbelievable that he just runs around using his real name on this planet.

Also, I don't really feel as if I know John's character up to this point. The chapters feel a little rushed, and if this was one chapter I'd understand not really feeling a connection to John, but there are seven chapters.

All in all, I liked it. As I said, I'd definitely keep reading
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  #76  
Old 11-05-2017, 11:53 AM
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Caligrafo, thanks for reading and for the comments.

Birb, thanks for reading and thanks for the comments. Some considerations worth thinking about.
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