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The Grand Adventures of Alexia Crow - P4 (WC 370)

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Old 07-31-2014, 03:35 PM
Xealc (Offline)
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Icon2 The Grand Adventures of Alexia Crow - P4+P5 (WC 629)


Part four of my adventure! PLEASE let me know what you think, I need feedback! Thank you!

Listen to Parts 1-6: http://soundcloud.com/user815783791/gaac-chapter-1

Part 1: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=53607
Part 2: http://forums.writersbeat.com/showth...329#post669329
Part 3: http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=53825
Part 5: Read Below
Part 6: Read Below
Part 7: Read Below
——————————————————————————————

'Sellin’soopss’n sandiess’o’witchiss!’ says a leery fellow; an’anoother’vello says, ‘Coom-hur goblers’n gandies’n like! Behuld thur si’encers ’o’ si’encers innur botturd toufletch’an achin bones’r’nesses’n’ thur scorchin’ guzzurdines toudrink’n like-- ferthee’achin’ heat needs o’ quenchesses!’ Anda fellow’n Crow thoughter place were strange fer’a botturd fer bones’r’nesses inther crowing lands, bee’it so! So my Crow says it alroigh’toua fellow, he says, ‘These warkin’ fellows ain’t gotter respect, I says, ain’t it so moi’vello, and’ere a fellow and ‘er were warkin’ like tougit to ther Meadow like Ol’ Poppy! Larksees’ were goin’ atta rate as sooch, I says!’ Anda Crow, were he roight, ain’t it so! I did thinkkit queery’n like in a vilaurge of ther Formalinesses tryin’ ta’tootoua roight mind ferra Piece, annai gaut never sooch Pieces, ferra Piece ferra Piece sis’never whater’fellow’s aboot ferthee ordinariests o’beins’ o’course, as it were.

Sooch ther’ranger o’ strangers this vilaurge we caught’oop’n knockin’er. Anda fellow feels loike ther treers’n hollerin’ hollies, andur leery fellows starkin’ ovnesses ter follow’ther fellows, tha’like! A hoongry boonch my Crow and moi’vello felt thatwee reared the pursers’n gotta grabbin’ atta place wither Formalinesses, witch’ain’t roight ferther fellows northovthy crowing lands, an’notta witch’ain’t ther’aither! ‘Twere a daurkinin’ place fer crowin’, yessir, an’ ther Formaliles were onther Formalees like horses’n howlers goin’ wild inna barn like babers ther’vellos! So then a fellow remernisersizes, I says, 'Ain'tera croppin’ boonch! Thurlike! A fellow can rememburra place ov'ease'n santry an'ther larkin' feets and warkin' moiles fer moiles againsta warm breez'in like, wi'thur forrest feets findin' ovello's feets'n ther shiner warkin' rays down a'fellow's baksnesses, an'ther sweets'o'real strarwburries growin' in ther crowin' fields, ther place toubee!' My Crow gives a'holler, he says, 'Ther place ain't ther place'n never'ight bootfer ther crowin' o' lassies!' He chookled 'er and a fellow followed like he'done, an'twee warked aboot'n sawr ther madnesses and ferra first tarked toua Formalinesses.

'The posh'gitwer' says ovello'n my Crow agreed as sooch. Ther Formalile coomes'n a fellow, he says, 'You are not allowed here.' What'er trappin' goose'n geezer, ther Piece'n bootery ov'er! So my Crow purnched a fellow roight'oop, 'addidone, annther shauker itouas ferra Formalile'nis grin'n his queery visarge. 'Nauta koind fer crowin'!' my Crow says, andwee roon after wither booty'n supplers fer travlin', ther foony lawt!

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Part 5
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Hoppin’n skippin’ we were down ther hills’n oop’ther hills’n out’n’away antafar were we koodbee seen ther perteetirst ovilaurges wither daummed Formalinesses’n like. So Crow’n moi’vello found’r stoomp untherbootum ovields aanther treersovnesses’n flowin’ down thercresses a’vaater were goin’ like—wi’ther splursh’n splooshin’n spreakin’ovreams’n sereveams’o’splarshin’ spuursnesses’nta boite fer’ovello anther splarshin’ spoolshin’n sprearkin’n spuursnesses’nta boite fer crowin’ovello anther splarshin’ spoolshin’n sprearkin’n spuursnesses splarshesses ovchesses’n—

Ol Poppy’ were ganderin’ and quanderin’ aboot inner blanksees ovuld wi’thur fallin’ toomblins’n like’nd’ovello says haloo too’n Ol’ Poppy buutee writes off like he’done, the queery fellow! Andoi coulda thourght moi’vello were standin’ aboot a fellow butee sparshin’ spoolshin’ larksees’ovnesses o’spreakin’ splarshin’ spluuk’r—antee coomes back, thee Ol’ Poppy hangin’ loike he’does’n he tells’ovello, he says, ‘Ther findin’ ovmee ain’t easursplarshesses boota fellow’nta fellow toubee warkin’ past a Meadow of shiner’n’lunar like! Therspoolshin’spuursnesses were fellows coomin’ooy thourght! Antee moyty ‘appy Poppy’n Olarshin’ovhessoppy’s beeloike.’ And moi’vello attemptantililies! I says, ‘Boot’ov’er’n ‘er toufoind’n Ol’ Poppy, parsther crowing landspuursnesses?’ Ander fellow neverears booter splarshin’ sprearkin’ovreams’n sereveams ovnesses, oy!

‘Oy!’ says my Crow, and warks over touther treers neerther flowin’ vaaters and he says, ‘A toime to close propur ain’t a toime fer now‘n adyoo gottin’ faar’n deep’n never a fellow wuud’ask oy where’ovello may be? An’tathat yoo coom’ to ther Meadow away from’er with moi’vello’n then we’re toubee closin’ propur.’ And my Crow parsses ther scramblins fruum a place’ovthee Formalinesses, wi’ther arplins’n strawrburries’n noots’n delicanesses’ovlike! Moi’vello tells a fellow, I says, ‘Mighty Crow be gone! Ol’ Poppy tolddit so!’ Ant’er fellow smirksees alike’ntwee stoof ther fellows’ visaurges like’r’appy boonch.

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Part 6
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Plarnty moyles itwur says therreadins' ovthur rangin' pitchin'poochin ovressts'n mozzin'ovthur gangergreen fer sidin' onthur rauksnesses. My Crow luuked soothrinees fera patchin'nta patch--were it like that suum'r toubeeassy toufoind'n suum'r toubeevurrst toufoind, ther steepin' stuumps'n rauksees avrailed morezeens thenthur sprilin' treersees goin'oop! Anta'Crow luuks'oop, he says, 'Notta canoopsers touvail'ovnesses, thur like!' Anther boilin' shiner draags a fellow, ain't it so! I says, 'Twere'n eassovnesses ferra fellow tou'traviverithur shiner'd a fellow beeveelin'thur shinin' daurkiniles ferra fellow, ther mighty wishurs!'

Boithur toime ovrears a fellow ant'ovello reached annend touthur crowing lands'n oveelin'twer fer my Crow, thurlike! He looks baaknesses attovello'n I thourght ovim baakenen-- onthur ordinariests antonthur Formalinesses-- antonthur flowin' vaaterooles! Attatoime I thourght ovim asooch, thur grininees fer a fellow! Baak befoora bofflin baanglurovin beesterdines'ova Juurney, ovello'remernisersizes my Crow asooch, bein' ovordinariests ov'oosall'n doin' wuuti'done atta'toime, 'twerthur ranger'o'strangers ferra fellow toubee goin' ferthee Ol' Poppy.

Antou'think a fellow were never'ovordinariests after aulin sooch withur Formalinesses ov'er, thur queery fellows! Buuthur Crow'n thur Formalees neveraut booter rotters'o'prooblinees, antavello were stookin'er like thur fel'einovisshes stookin'appond ferra shiner'n'lunar annauta carchin' toubee ovthurnesses! An'tovello teersees'n teersees'n innurstate liker babber oo'veelsees, my Alexia Crow!

Ther noight were coomin'ter sheeperd'n sleeperd'n my Crow were warkin'n parci'neerthee end'ovuld 'causooch'ovello anta fellow were toutilly ferra grandnesses ovintrance touthur Meadilly, withur laurge mortairs'n crowin' fer moyles! Antan Ol' Poppy were toubee hangin' aboot, thurlike! Thur Meadow we sauwr'n neveraut did'ovello seether plarnty mortairsello! Moi'vello turns toumai'Crow, I says, 'Furra larksees anter pointerise tou'yonder ovello thinks we've conkwerstrated ther crowing lands as sooch!' And my Crow nods, he says naut'n letsa goldy tressers ovair coomlong'n dauoon'nt a fellow were beautiful.

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Part 7
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His hair were soft'n like withur broight eyes ovbroon shaders like ther maple leaverines, antis perteertirst o'parfict ovnozzles antur purtantilin' crowin' were my Crow, soochis he. Anthur larshes were toubee seezin'n his grin'o'cuurtest touvnesses. When a fellow sleeperds anta'lunar coomes dauon like it'done befoor ther warkin' ovthee Meadilly moi'vello luuks atta fellow'n wondresses ov'er place ferverlions'n thur marverlions, boota Meadow ferra crowin' fellow ant'ovello ain't ther place ferra wondresses ovantesses. Moi'vello were toubee veelin'ovanters fer my Crow boota fellow were havin' ther tressers o'beauters ovlivel!


Last edited by Xealc; 08-03-2014 at 05:02 PM.. Reason: New Content
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Old 07-31-2014, 05:08 PM
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OK Xealc

You've asked for feedback. I guess your emphasis on the PLEASE is as a result of not getting much on the earlier two posts.

Recently you left some feedback on a thread of mine called "The Big Push" in which you said that you found certain elements of the story to be confusing.

Firstly, i want you to know that this is NOT a knee jerk reaction. I actually listened to your views and altered part of the story to suit.

I have held off leaving feedback as I was waiting for the story to develope. I'm now in a position where I feel it's right for me to say something.

I'm sorry but I can't see how you were unable to understand a plot that was written in plain English and which others had no problems with but then publish this.

As Risk said in his reply to part 1, I applaud you in tryng something different and in a difficult syle to write. Unfortunately (and by your own admission) it has only got more difficult to understand as the story has progressed.

I find myself having to go over each word and try to work out in my head it's accent and meaning. By the time I get half way through a sentence, I've forgotten what the opening words were. This left me getting more and more frustrated as the story went on.

If this was a novel I'm afraid I would have given up and put the book down for good somewhere in part 3. If I had made the effort to get this far I'm afraid that would be it as I'm only finding it frustrating and not able to enjoy what I'm reading. I'm really sorry but I haven't got a clue what is going on or where the story is going.

I wish I could give you something more constructive as I hate leaving what I worry could be discouraging words. But in my honest opinion, for the story to work you're going to have to make the language easier to comprehend which, as already suggested, may require a complete re-write. The only people likely to understand this are those who use this type of accent. That's severly going to limit your reader base.

Good luck and I do look forward to seeing your further work.

Mike
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Old 07-31-2014, 06:33 PM
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Bravo!

Hold on: "I'm sorry but I can't see how you were unable to understand a plot that was written in plain English and which others had no problems with but then publish this. "

Another person recently agreed with my corrections. An attack on my legitimacy as a writer by referring to this is a little upsetting. I'd prefer you take my criticism as it is! Then we could all be a big happy family (if you've read my other works posted on this forum, they're in plain English and NOTHING like this!)

I will also admit that reading this story is challenging without some sort of country bumpkin good ol' British slander (if I even dare to call it British). However! I find that pronouncing the words in your head will help you form coherent sentences!

For example: moi'vellow = my fellow = myself
Or: vilaurge = village

The words are very similar. Whatever a word sounds like is what it usually is! I hate to disappoint but I won't be doing a rewrite, as I love writing like this as a sort of freedom for the mind to do whatever it wants on paper, and also because there is a story here!

Thank you so much for your kind and not so kind words, and I really appreciate your feedback, which I will take to heart as I progress further into this idiosyncratic garbage of a piece!

Cheers!

Last edited by Xealc; 07-31-2014 at 06:37 PM..
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:43 PM
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Now hold on a minute. I never for one moment called your work an "idiosyncratic garbage of a piece." I merely said I had difficulty understanding it and that my confusion would have made me stop reading.

Feedback was left for the first piece by someone who said that they could not read more than a few thousand words of this type of storytelling. I am merely agreeing with this sentiment.

You said:-

I will also admit that reading this story is challenging without some sort of country bumpkin good ol' British slander (if I even dare to call it British). However! I find that pronouncing the words in your head will help you form coherent sentences!

For example: moi'vellow = my fellow = myself
Or: vilaurge = village


EXACTLY MY POINT. The problem is that not all of the words are easily worked out and I am having to do this for whole sentences.

For example:

'The posh'gitwer' says ovello'n my Crow agreed as sooch. Ther Formalile coomes'n a fellow, he says, 'You are not allowed here.' What'er trappin' goose'n geezer, ther Piece'n bootery ov'er! So my Crow purnched a fellow roight'oop, 'addidone, annther shauker itouas ferra Formalile'nis grin'n his queery visarge. 'Nauta koind fer crowin'!' my Crow says, andwee roon after wither booty'n supplers fer travlin', ther foony lawt!

I see this as

The posh git over there says a fellow and my crow agreed as such. Therefore my lile(?) comes and a fellow, he says, "You are not allowed in here." Whatever trapping goose and geezer, there peice and bootery over there. So my crow punched a fellow right on top, addidone(of his dome?) another shirker(?) it was for for my lile(?) and his grinning his queer like visage. Not a kind for crowing! My crow says. So we run after with her booty and supplies for travelling. They are a funny lot.

Again, I'm sorry but I tried and that's what I came up with. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe that's a reflection on me as a reader but I'm quite sure I'm not alone. Ask yourself "Why have you not received any feedback for the last two posts?"

This is exactly the sort of reaction I was hoping NOT to elicit from you. I'm sorry if you don't like the words I've used but I stand by them. This post along with the three others preceeding it ARE difficult to understand. I DID try pronouncing the words in my head but the sheer volume of them makes it difficult to hold on to long sentences.

Don't worry,I won't be disappointed, as I really could care less what you intend to do with this story if you can't see that I was not trying to be nasty with you. It's YOUR piece and I've always said that a writer should write a story the way it pleases them.

I'm flabbergasted at you taking offence to my mentioning your comments about my piece being difficult to understand when you have posted this. Again I stand by my words, this was difficult for ME to understand. ONE other person remarked as you did. As I stated earlier, I TOOK YOUR OPINIONS WITHOUT PREJUDICE AND ACTED ON THEM.

If you think my appraisal was harsh I should warn you that there are others here who will be considerably harsher. I would advise you develope a thick skin or you risk being further offended by some of the people here.

I'm sure you'll now take that the wrong way as well. Well I'm sorry but if that's the case then that's YOUR problem not mine.

Mike
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Old 07-31-2014, 08:49 PM
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Xealc.

One thing I SHOULD have said earlier is that I agree with many of the things Risk 10 said in his reply. You HAVE done a good job of creating these characters and their world.

I've ALWAYS striven to provide helpful feedback to anyone that I reply to and in this case although it looks like I was being negative I was trying only to let you know how difficult I found it to understand.

if you enjoy writing in this style then I implore you to keep going. Writing should be enjoyable for the author, otherwise what's the point?

I wish you well and hope you continue to enjoy not just writing but posting your work here as well.

Good luck

Mike
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Old 08-01-2014, 03:39 AM
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You didn't elicit any negativity, and I understand what you mean. Thank you so much for the feedback, I seriously appreciate it!

'The posh'gitwer' says ovello'n my Crow agreed as sooch. Ther Formalile coomes'n a fellow, he says, 'You are not allowed here.' What'er trappin' goose'n geezer, ther Piece'n bootery ov'er! So my Crow purnched a fellow roight'oop, 'addidone, annther shauker itouas ferra Formalile'nis grin'n his queery visarge. 'Nauta koind fer crowin'!' my Crow says, andwee roon after wither booty'n supplers fer travlin', ther foony lawt!

"The posh git it were" I said, and my Crow agreed as such. The male Formal people comes to me and says, 'You are not allowed to be in here.' What a load of garbage, the cheapness of here! Crow punched him right and up, had he done! And the shocker it was for a male Formal person, with his grin and his weird face. 'Not a kind for crowing!' Crow said, and we run after with booty and supplies for traveling, the funny lot!

Last edited by Xealc; 08-01-2014 at 03:53 AM..
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Old 08-01-2014, 12:28 PM
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Xeal -just out of curiosity, is this language or accent something that you made up, or are there really people that speak in this manner?

M
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Old 08-01-2014, 01:09 PM
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I made it up, but there are heavy Liverpool/Irish/Virginian influences.

Last edited by Xealc; 08-02-2014 at 02:25 PM..
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Old 08-02-2014, 02:24 PM
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Parts 5 and 6 have been added to the first post, along with an audiobook. Enjoy!

Last edited by Xealc; 08-02-2014 at 04:45 PM..
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