WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Jekyll and Hide

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-01-2017, 06:49 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,385
Thanks: 1,945
Thanks 1,045
Default Jekyll and Hide


Just the odd night
when bourbon burns its trail
down my throat like a lit fuse.

I drink alone
downloading songs
to dance solo in my head.

Who needs friends?
Or a wife?
Or a family?

I drink for pleasure.
The antidote
to being surrounded by assholes.

What's their problem?
Can't they see
what I see?

It's all bullshit.
Another glass to wash down
rising bile.

I'm a giant in toy town.
Sickened by their
contentment.

Transparent smiles.
Faked affections.
I see through it all.

Pitiful.
I'd help them
but they're too dumb to get it.

Tomorrow
I'll wake up to find
I pissed in the wardrobe.

Hurl the taste of them
down the pan
and flush away their memory.

Why the fuck should I care
anyway?
It's not my problem.

__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 09-01-2017 at 06:52 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
kev (09-02-2017), Myers (09-02-2017)
  #2  
Old 09-02-2017, 07:01 AM
Myers's Avatar
Myers (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,743
Thanks: 337
Thanks 354
Default

That's pretty great and quite gut wrenching.

Inspires sympathy in an unexpected way.

Good job.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Myers For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (09-02-2017)
  #3  
Old 09-02-2017, 04:33 PM
Leila (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Left
Posts: 132
Thanks: 25
Thanks 45
Default

Quite a sardonic tone here ... more so than I've seen in your other poems I think. It doesn't let up. Effective.
__________________
There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-02-2017, 04:48 PM
Leila (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Left
Posts: 132
Thanks: 25
Thanks 45
Default

btw Grace I was trying to reply to your PM but it's not getting through. Just to let you know I wasn't ignoring you lol. I'm just too lazy and lonely to go to bed tonight!
__________________
There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-02-2017, 04:50 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,385
Thanks: 1,945
Thanks 1,045
Default

Originally Posted by Leila View Post
btw Grace I was trying to reply to your PM but it's not getting through. Just to let you know I wasn't ignoring you lol. I'm just too lazy and lonely to go to bed tonight!
Sorry - I'll empty my mailbox and make room.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-04-2017, 04:48 PM
iDrew's Avatar
iDrew (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Throwing wishes off the end of world's longest pier
Posts: 1,271
Thanks: 0
Thanks 441
Default

Three lined stanzas are hard to pull off. You really should be looking to use enjambment between the stanzas which also means you can stretch the lines longer.

Questions weaken the piece where you should be drawing out the anger and bitterness.


xDrew
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
the CLUELESS COLLECTIVE’S
ALL NEW 19 OUT NOW
(min. system requirement: 1 working brain cell)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to iDrew For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (09-04-2017)
  #7  
Old 09-04-2017, 04:55 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,385
Thanks: 1,945
Thanks 1,045
Default

Had a specific POV in mind - who was considering the criticisms made about his behaviour...you need not look far for my inspiration.

Appreciate the crit - banged it up within minutes and happy with both the sadness and denial portrayed. Probably not a keeper though
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-04-2017, 05:02 PM
Lockette's Avatar
Lockette (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 143
Thanks: 14
Thanks 44
Default

I'm not one to critique poems, as my mind seems to operate in prose, but I thought I'd drop in and offer my two cents.

He seems rather angry at the world, for all it's politics and niceties. and your imagery and word use is really effective in painting a picture.

But, and this is just me, but who uses such eloquent statements as 'I'm a giant in toy town' while drunk? It seemed a bit odd, but It doesn't interrupt the flow and I only caught it on a second pass.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Lockette For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (09-04-2017)
  #9  
Old 09-04-2017, 05:11 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,385
Thanks: 1,945
Thanks 1,045
Default

Originally Posted by Lockette View Post
I'm not one to critique poems, as my mind seems to operate in prose, but I thought I'd drop in and offer my two cents.

He seems rather angry at the world, for all it's politics and niceties. and your imagery and word use is really effective in painting a picture.

But, and this is just me, but who uses such eloquent statements as 'I'm a giant in toy town' while drunk? It seemed a bit odd, but It doesn't interrupt the flow and I only caught it on a second pass.
Haha. True enough. Seemed a good metaphor to convey his delusion of towering above such sickeningly convivial and parochial goings on.

I feel dirty after writing this...might have to follow up with a love sonnet.

Thanks for popping in. You really don't need to be a poet to drop in on these threads Lockette - everywhere's a chat room and all crits warmly received. x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 09-04-2017 at 05:43 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-08-2017, 04:41 AM
SecretDurham (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Durham, England
Posts: 21
Thanks: 3
Thanks 4
Default

I very much enjoyed this, Grace.

Though I don't understand the differing Prose and Stanza's, I do write a little poetry at times. Not as deeply thoughtful as this, nor written as well. More poetry-poop which is washable with Vodka.

But, I liked this very much indeed. Thanks for sharing it with us.

SecretDurham
__________________
Show me someone who is not afraid of death, and I'll show you a fucking liar!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to SecretDurham For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (09-08-2017)
  #11  
Old 09-15-2017, 05:04 PM
chat bot's Avatar
chat bot (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: OFF-AIR
Posts: 1,801
Thanks: 6
Thanks 220
Default

this is really burgeoning! nice career... i'm jelly. everything's the opposite of what i prefer to write: boring old classic lit. it's juicy! nice one grace! you always do the very sullen thing really well. i like the third verse from the bottom. but then again, so does everyone!
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
💭
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to chat bot For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (09-16-2017)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:28 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.