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Sonic Youth

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  #1  
Old 08-08-2017, 07:26 AM
Leila (Offline)
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Default Sonic Youth


when we first met
I was a mess, head stuffed
with emptiness, ears blocked
by silence, eyes and nose running in unison
as my emotional make-up slowly
dissolved,

I don't care if you administer
a shot in the arm,
or a stab in the heart

just don't leave me in a vacuum,
but drape me in conviction
and bury me in sound.


Last edited by Leila; 08-09-2017 at 01:01 AM..
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  #2  
Old 08-08-2017, 08:12 AM
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Hey, I like this. Captures a moment in a life.

'Writhing' felt a little over the top.
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  #3  
Old 08-09-2017, 01:00 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post

'Writhing' felt a little over the top.
yea, I think you're right.

thanks for reading and commenting!
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Old 08-09-2017, 06:50 AM
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This is a good one. Nice use of extended metaphor about emotions and clarity -- I could pretty much feel it in my head.

I mean this is a good way -- it immediately reminded me of when I had issues with my sinuses and it messed up my hearing. Couldn't listen to music with headphones or earbuds -- and then bam -- suddenly I could hear properly. Such a relief.

Nice work.

Last edited by Myers; 08-09-2017 at 06:53 AM..
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Old 08-09-2017, 10:09 AM
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cheers Myers, glad this worked for you!

Last edited by Leila; 08-09-2017 at 02:46 PM..
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  #6  
Old 08-09-2017, 03:29 PM
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This could be very lush indeed – a few observations.

The enjambment in Stanza1 is good but I feel you’re missing a trick

when we first met
I was a mess, ears
blocked by silence, eyes
and nose running in
unison head
stuffed with emptiness,
as my emotional make-up slowly
dissolved,

Which in the end of lines gives you ears, eyes, head.

Not so sure you actually need Stanza2

Arguably the most important word choices in poetry are the verbs. Leave now sounds too weak and like stuffed with emptiness pushes those lines too close to cliche



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Old 08-10-2017, 09:27 PM
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Worked for me too.

Describes the numbness of a loveless life.

Particularly liked "drape me in conviction and bury me in sound."

Potent potion of words you cooked up here. x
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  #8  
Old 08-15-2017, 09:01 AM
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Drew, thanks for the read, appreciate your helpful critique as always. I think I will keep the second stanza, as it reveals more of the speaker's attitude.

Grace, thanks for the read and comments, glad you liked.
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Old 08-16-2017, 09:40 PM
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I like it and will not bore you with corrections
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Old 08-22-2017, 08:52 AM
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Agree with Grace.
last two lines jumped out at me.

Did you ever do anything with the peacock poem, Leila. That could be a cracker.
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Old 08-23-2017, 03:36 AM
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Cheers kev - nice to see you back on here.

Actually I'd forgotten the peacock poem, thanks for the reminder! Will have to go back and look it up ...
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Old 09-14-2017, 01:20 AM
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This verse touched me very much. I read something like this only once in my life write my lab report for me with someones help Thank you for the pleasant emotions.
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