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Old 12-05-2007, 04:06 AM
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By chance I discovered a magazine article about me of all things.

It was written by a woman whose name I didn't recognize. I was surprised to read her analysis of my travel writings. She referred to me as Bill Moake, the by-line name I used in journalism before I adopted the pen name William Starr Moake to write fiction.

Obviously, she had never heard about my "illustrious" career as a fiction author. How odd, I thought.

Deep into the magazine article I noticed she was getting rather personal. Said she knew me back in the day when I seldom returned her telephone messages. Curiouser and curiouser.

At one point she described me as a "Talladega Nights kind of guy." Was she calling me a NASCAR driver or Will Ferell? Either way, it was an insult. Had this woman never heard of libel laws?

Then it struck me. She was Leigh writing under a pseudonym.

Leigh was a girl I knew on Maui. We were hired as reporters for the Maui News at the same time -- she fresh out of college, me returning to journalism after 4 years in the Air Force.

Eventually, we started dating. Leigh was a strange sort of girl, tall and a bit awkward, but she seemed nice and I liked her. At first we had fun. I took her diving, to movies and to restaurants. She got into the habit of cooking us supper at her apartment. I got into the habit of staying overnight from time to time.

Then she began talking about her former boyfriend. This is always a very bad sign in a relationship. I asked her politely to refrain, saying I wasn't interested in hearing about past loves, but she wouldn't shut up about him.

When I got sick of it, I stopped dating Leigh and found a new girlfriend. A guy can't compete with memories of an former boyfriend because the girl generally remembers the good times and forgets the bad times. She ends up comparing you to an idealized version of her ex, which is time for you to say sayonara.

A couple months later Leigh and I went to the County Fair together to cover it for the newspaper. Now that she knew I had another girlfriend, Leigh tried to make me feel sorry for her. All night she talked about not having anyone to depend on for affection and emotional support -- meaning me. I didn't want to hear it. I told her I had moved on and it would be wise for her to do the same.

Years later, after I moved to the Big Island, I ran into Leigh in Kona. She was working for the local newspaper and she seemed very glad to see me. She invited me to supper at her house in the hills, which had a spectacular view of the coastline. Against my better judgment, I went -- and stayed all night.

I woke up next to her in bed around 3 a.m. wondering what the hell I was doing. You can't resurrect dead horses or old relationships. I knew it was a waste of time.

Leigh woke up as I was getting dressed. Trying to spare her feelings, I lied and said I forgot about an early morning appointment I had on the other side of the island, but I don't think she bought it.

Nevertheless, I took off and I didn't look back. I avoided Kona for a long time after that, fearing I might run into Leigh again.

Comes now a confession of the truth. My reading the magazine article didn't happen in waking reality. It was a dream I had -- an obvious guilt dream, my least favorite kind.

The way I see it guilt or rather fear of guilt is only useful as a deterrence to stop a person from doing something he will feel sorry about later. After the bad deed is done, what's the point of feeling guilty? The bite of guilt after the fact is like "a dog biting into stone," as Nietzsche observed. It's more sensible to resolve not to do the deed ever again. That's as much as anyone should expect from a flawed human being -- and that description fits all of us with the possible exception of Buddha. And he died of food poisoning.

Juding from the dream, I must have subconscious guilt about dumping Leigh (twice.) It's always much easier to be the dumper than the dumpee and avoid going to Dump City: Population You. I hate being in Dump City. It's a lonely place where I feel exiled from sex and love. Viewed from Dump City, everyone in the world except me seems to be having fun.

So I tend to haul out the emotional forklift, scoop up the woman and head for the nearest dumpster at the first sign of serious trouble in a relationship. I think of it in terms of pre-emptive action for survival of the nastiest.

An English philosopher once delved into anthropology to describe the lives of our prehistoric ancestors as "short, nasty and brutal." Today our lives last much longer and brutality is not so common, but nasty is still with us. Only now it is mental rather than physical. It infects our relationships, especially romantic ones. It's a vestige of our ancient past, like the appendix which once served a useful purpose but now only makes us sick when it becomes diseased.

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Old 12-05-2007, 05:43 AM
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OK now that I have had the time to process my feeling about being dumped. I am ready to tell you that I feel for you. Being on the recieveing end is no picnic. The problem is that the one (Most Important Love) dumping for me, I vowed would be the last. So what have I done? I became the DUMPER. No pain. Problem. No Gain. No love. No attachment. No Problem?
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Old 12-05-2007, 05:44 AM
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OK now that I have had the time to process my feeling about being dumped. I am ready to tell you that I feel for you. Being on the recieveing end is no picnic. The problem is that the one (Most Important Love) dumping for me, I vowed would be the last. So what have I done? I became the DUMPER. No pain. Problem. No Gain. No love. No attachment. No Problem?
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Old 12-05-2007, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by JavaQueen2000 View Post
The problem is that the one (Most Important Love) dumping for me, I vowed would be the last. So what have I done? I became the DUMPER.
You and I would have a very strange relationship. It would be a wild race to see who dumped who first.
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Old 12-05-2007, 07:43 AM
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Great more competition.
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Old 12-05-2007, 09:38 AM
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Ooh, I don't know. I think you'd be into trouble this time, Starr. (Never mess with a Queen!)

Quick edit, to keep it on topic...when I was young (and single), I was seldom caught long enough to have a relationship, but I tended to be a dumper. Either guys got in the way of my hanging out with my mates, or - and this happened quite a bit - I dumped because I figured the guy would dump me as soon as someone prettier came along and, being fragile, I preferred to dish my own pain. Not really sure what that says about me. Nuts, I think.
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Last edited by Q Wands; 12-05-2007 at 09:42 AM.. Reason: To keep it on topic....
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Old 12-05-2007, 01:21 PM
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I've never dumped a guy, even when he deserved it. I'd just wait for him to do it.
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Old 12-05-2007, 02:25 PM
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Not me. My favorite line is. Baby, it is time for us to explore the world. I'm going to Africa. Where are you going? Maybe I should wait for them to dump me.
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Old 12-05-2007, 02:36 PM
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Funny thing is, I never thought of it as dumping him. It was usually more a case of me dumping me before he got the chance. Hmm.
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Old 12-05-2007, 02:44 PM
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Not me. I am the only royalty in my house. The minute they get comfortable their gone. Of course if I found someone who loved my son as much as me. Then we can talk. Until then it is "asta la-vista Baby" (did i spell that right?)

You see it is priorities with me. 1. ME 2. My son 3. My church 4.My dogs 5. My family. . .then them. But for some reason they seem to think the world revolves around them. What is up with that?
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Old 12-05-2007, 03:08 PM
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I don't really know, to be honest. I'm just glad I found the King, and neither one of us thought of dumoing the other. Guess that means it was the right connection. Heaven only knows how you're supposed to figure that out before you've been married gazillion years, though!
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Old 12-05-2007, 03:15 PM
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I will continue to date the frog. Hoping he will be my prince. Kiss Kiss. You give me hope. THANKS!
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Old 12-05-2007, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by JavaQueen2000 View Post
You see it is priorities with me. 1. ME 2. My son 3. My church 4.My dogs 5. My family. . .then them. But for some reason they seem to think the world revolves around them. What is up with that?
As I have said before, men are pigs -- and women are cows. We inhabit different parts of the barn yard.
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Old 12-05-2007, 03:28 PM
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Boy did you do it now. I am off.

Men bring home the Bacon.
Women feed the calf's- and humans Milk does a body good!
give us butter, sweet cream and the most delicious meat.
I'm a farm girl at heart.
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Old 12-09-2007, 08:38 PM
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Starrwriter, your tale is quite endearing and all too common, I love the way you detail events and your statement, "you can't resurrect dead horses or old relationships," how true.

"You can never step in the same river twice; the river has changed and so have you."

I find I am enjoying reading your life's journey; you have a wonderful way of capturing the moment(s) and scenarios. Thanks for sharing.

sage
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Old 12-10-2007, 04:29 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
I find I am enjoying reading your life's journey; you have a wonderful way of capturing the moment(s) and scenarios. Thanks for sharing.
You're welcome, Sage.

By the way, I really enjoyed Sante Fe and Taos when I went to New Mexico years ago to visit the shrine to D. H. Lawrence. Didn't think I would like the desert climate and terrain, but I was very pleasantly surprised.
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Old 12-10-2007, 07:00 AM
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When I was in my early twenties I lived in Las Vegas New Mexico. It was the most peaceful place I ever lived. Beautiful country, wonderfully caring people and very reasonable. I couldn't afford to live in Santa Fe. So I moved the short 54 miles away and commuted. I had the entire upstairs of a Victorian house. 3 bedrooms 2 bath and a huge living room. I paid 186.00 a month. God I miss that house. No come to think of it I miss the mountain view out my bedroom window.
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:53 PM
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hi starrwriter, Santa Fe, or "high desert" is quite nice; great elevation, especially when you've lived in the "low desert" all your life like me...I am originally from Las Vegas, Nevada, yes Nevada. And, yes, people do live there and earn good livings in Vegas...it's not all hookers and gangsters. We like Santa Fe, the seasons and the skiing, of course. It's great for retirees. And the air is clean and with 60,000 people, quite refreshing. (that hasn't changed in 20 years)

write on,
sage
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Old 12-10-2007, 10:08 PM
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Hi JQ,

Nice to know you've lived in New Mexico. Nice there, huh? Victorian house, ummmm, nice. My new husband and I live in an original adobe home in Santa Fe; truly old southwest, hacienda, pueblo style, fireplaces in every room, stone floors, open beam ceilings, ranch style on 10 acres, with views of mountain ranges all around...quiet, laid back, easy living. It is a truly nice place to live. See? There are some percs to being a senior citizen. lol

have a great evening,
sage
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Old 12-11-2007, 04:03 AM
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I moved to the beauty of New Mexico, I feel by design. When I was 15 I was sent away by my parents. I was addicted to drugs and they had had enough of my running away. The survival camp took us to the beauty of the mountains. Do you have any idea what a teen feels when dropped off at the base of a mountain and told to get to the other side. Yes. Dropped off but with three adults to 15 teenage girls. It was called Survival Trails. This program saved my life. The bonus was my love for New Mexico and the out doors. I have hiked secluded trails, climbed mountains and river rafted. After college I moved to where I became aware of the beauty of nature. Las Vegas New Mexico. I am so happy you have the land to enjoy nature. My favorite moment was Easter morning sunrise service in the desert. The serenity and quiet moments allow for our minds to be free and our hearts to swell with emotion.
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Old 12-11-2007, 03:34 PM
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Hi JQ, thanks for your candor. I am grateful that you found yourself through the years, and seem to be making it good in this iffy world. God Bless. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been. More kudos to you!

Are you still living in New Mexico?

hugs and blessings,
sage
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Old 12-11-2007, 03:46 PM
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No, I moved back to Texas. My father had a business, when he passed at 41 my mom was a mess. I moved back to help her with the business. I have traveled extensively around the lower 48. All in an effort to find the place I feel the most comfortable to retire in. I have narrowed it down. Moab Utah, St Albans Vermont.(currently the leader) and Winona Minnesota.
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