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"How Sean Met Sharon"

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Old 06-08-2006, 09:55 PM
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"How Sean Met Sharen"


"How Sean Met Sharen"
Once there was a guy named Sean. He had "the life". He had a very pretty girlfriend.
One day he saw his best friend Todd kissing her. Sean broke up with his girlfriend, and, by the way, he and Todd are no longer best friends.
He was the star player on the basketball team. That changed after a gang jumped him and broke his left arm.His life was pretty much not going to good.
Then, one day he saw that there was a new girl at school.Her name was Sharen.Her locker was right next to his.Unfortunately, when he opened his locker he nocked Sharen really hard on her head.She fell to the floor,and he said nothing. All he could think about was that he hadn't said one word to her, and he had already hurt her.
"Are you okay,"says Sean.
"Sure,"says Sharen.
He then picks up her books and helps her by bringing her to the nurse.The nurse says she will be okay.Sean,feeling stupid, just runs out of the room.Sharen follows him.She then tells him that evrything was okay,and she wanted to be friends with him.
Over the months, their friendship grew stronger.They were unseparatable.
Finally,Senior year comes.Sean finally gets the guts to tell Sharen that he loves her.She then tells him that it was too late.Todd had already asked her to be his girlfriend.
Sean went couldn't believe what he was hearing.He then told Sharen about how he really felt about her.She then broke up with Todd.
After college,Sean and Sharen got married,but then Sean was drafted to war.Sharen went with him.Unfuntunately,they both died.They were found dead holding hands.




Last edited by Brittany; 06-11-2006 at 05:13 AM..
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Old 06-08-2006, 11:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Brittany
"How Sean Met Sharen"
Once there was a guy named Sean. He had "the life". He had a very pretty girlfriend.
One day he saw his best friend Todd kissing her. Sean broke up with his girlfriend. and, by the way, he and Todd are no longer best friends.
He was the star player on the basketball team. That changed after a gang jumped him and broke his left arm.His life was pretty much not going to good.
Then, one day he saw that their was a new girl at school.Her name was Sharen.
Over the months, their friendship grew stronger.They were unseparatable.
One day he was drafted into the war, and Sharen went with them.They both died in battle.They were found dead, holding heads.
1. Put spaces between words and punctuations.
2. girlfriend. and, (fix it)
3. their should be there
4. holding heads I hope you meant holding hands, unless you're going to be a dark fiction writer.......
5. Creating stuff at almost 12:30 in the morning may come out differently than you think it did.
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Old 06-09-2006, 11:46 AM
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Got that right dad.
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Old 06-09-2006, 02:22 PM
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That went from bad to worse extremely quick. Altho hard to imagine that they would be placed in the same division, company and squad. Ah well, nice little story anyway. Maybe if you'd change the ending you could make it a short story.
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Old 06-09-2006, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by _Kat_
That went from bad to worse extremely quick.
No need for that, we have writers of all levels here. Remember that or your next reviews might not be very pleasant.

Brittany, is this a plan for a story? I think written well it could be really good. Obviously nothing will be that plain and simple and I think you can manage to make it work. Take your time writing andf thinking though, you can't rush art

Best wishes.
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Old 06-10-2006, 07:11 AM
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I changed the ending and added more details.
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Old 06-10-2006, 07:58 AM
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I liked the other ending better but it all depends on the delivery I suppose..
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Old 06-10-2006, 11:36 AM
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I agree with kali. I would prefer seeing the old ending, just polished a litttle. Remember you will see all kinds of critiquing and opinions. If you love what you write, do not be tempted to jump through hoops for the masses.
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Old 06-11-2006, 05:12 AM
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I put back the old ending,but I am still working on the story.
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Old 06-26-2006, 07:12 AM
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Call me crazy, but I liked that a lot, having read it two weeks after the last edit The story wasn't filled with all the things that make other stories hard to read. Some writers fancy themselves talented authors and their stuff ends up looking like something an amature who knows some cool words would write.

I don't know how much writing you've done, Brittany, but if all your stuff has this innocence, I'll be watching you. Not like...stalking...but more like "keeping an eye" on your work.
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