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The Sad Life of Garrett Monroe

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Old 04-17-2014, 07:04 PM
juicyfruit (Offline)
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Default The Sad Life of Garrett Monroe


This is the beginning of a poem I wrote last summer. I'm considering adding to it.


In brown leather boots and a torn up shirt,
Garrett Monroe met his fate in the field.
A corrupt life put at rest in the dirt.
No trail to follow, his corps was concealed.


Last edited by juicyfruit; 04-20-2014 at 04:54 PM..
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:34 PM
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Could be an interesting concept but as a narrative poem it has yet to develop the tale.
So, four lines inconsistently punctuated in iambic pentameter with a ABAB rhyme scheme. Good start, however, the tale needs to be worth telling and the form maintained.

Perhaps a little restraint with your posting new threads. If you get bored with inactivity on the board; create some. Offer others the benefit of your wisdom, with the added bonus that critiquing is a very useful tool to understanding your own work from the inside out.



xDrew
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Old 04-19-2014, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by iDrew View Post
Could be an interesting concept but as a narrative poem it has yet to develop the tale.
So, four lines inconsistently punctuated in iambic pentameter with a ABAB rhyme scheme. Good start, however, the tale needs to be worth telling and the form maintained.

Perhaps a little restraint with your posting new threads. If you get bored with inactivity on the board; create some. Offer others the benefit of your wisdom, with the added bonus that critiquing is a very useful tool to understanding your own work from the inside out.



xDrew

Hi, IDrew!
I suppose my lack of experience on this forum has left me vulnerable to such comments. I did not post this incomplete poem because of boredom due to inactivity, but rather was hoping for constructive criticism. When I posted this poem's beginning, I was aware that it was just that, a beginning. It was the very first poem I had written, or begun writing, in iambic pentameter. I am happy that you recognize it as such! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that this forum was an outlet for writers, or those interesting in writing, where they could receive constructive feedback on their work with the goal of self-improvement. I posted this with the hopes that someone may see something in it and be interested in offering assistance, or an interesting perspective on what I had written. Is this not the forum for that?

I have this folder on my desktop with writing that I've done in the past year. I never shared it with anyone. I never knew if any of it was any good or if anyone would find it interesting. I've had this itch to write since I was a little girl. I doubt it will amount to anything, but since I've belonged to this forum, which hasn't been very long, I've taken the plunge. I've been posting things I've written in the past year, just to see what people think. I'm sorry if my eagerness to learn and share has somehow conveyed that I am bored and needing to post random and incomplete works. Based on your response, I am wondering if this is the forum for me.

I do have one question, the answer to which may help me in my pursuits to improve my writing. You mention that my poem is inconsistently punctuated. Can you be specific as to how?
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Old 04-20-2014, 02:43 AM
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What exactly do you want from four lines of pedestrian poetry?


“Could be an interesting concept but as a narrative poem it has yet to develop the tale.”
FACT – narrative poem
FACT - has yet to develop the tale
Could be an interesting concept – is the best anyone, who isn’t clairvoyant or doesn’t own a time machine, can offer at this moment. How is that negative?


“Good start, however, the tale needs to be worth telling and the form maintained.”
Good start – negative?
the tale needs to be worth telling and the form maintained – that is where the craft lies. It’s not negative it just is what it is.

As for the punctuation: you’ve used one comma but capitalised the start of every line. This is how I would punctuate it:

In brown leather boots and a torn up shirt
Garrett Monroe met his fate in the field,
a corrupt life put at rest in the dirt.
No trail to follow. His corps was concealed


A comma at the end of L1, although required, isn’t needed as the end of the line creates a suitable pause, however the comma at the end of L2 serves to connect L2 to L3. Yes, L3 could be a sentence on its own, but you should try and avoid creating too many short sentences without there being a reason. At this stage the longer sentences should provide a flow. Hold back on the short sharp sentences for the use of controlling pace and providing action later on, if required. With that in mind I wouldn’t end stop after ‘concealed’, instead use that as a stepping stone for enjambment into the next line.

This is a workshop not a showcase. Criticism, by its nature, concentrates more on the adverse if you wanna be in a workshop environment: get used to it.


xDrew
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Old 04-20-2014, 05:04 AM
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I appreciate the information you've offered on punctuation.

Last edited by juicyfruit; 04-20-2014 at 05:28 AM..
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Old 04-20-2014, 07:25 AM
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Who is Garrett Monroe?
The name sounds so convincing, I feel as if I'm supposed to know who this is.
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Old 04-20-2014, 04:51 PM
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Thanks, NokturalMe! Garrett just sits with me as a good criminal name. No offence to anyone named Garrett. It's just manly and cool and reminds me of a name a killer would have in some western film. Monroe is also a cool last name to me, so the two fit. Glad to hear it's a convincing name!
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