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Cinquain - Death

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  #1  
Old 09-12-2008, 04:07 PM
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Default Cinquain - Death


Death

How can
one ever try
to answer the question
of Death; Darkness and Hopelessness,
gather.

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Last edited by SW; 09-13-2008 at 11:46 PM..
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  #2  
Old 09-12-2008, 04:24 PM
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Haha! You did it, SW! I'm well impressed since this is a very minimalistic format, and we all know minimalism is not your thing. Perhaps it helped to write on a familiar theme.

Crit-wise, I'm not sold on the semi colon but otherwise, I like it.
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Old 09-12-2008, 04:29 PM
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Thanks Q... Yeah, minimalist... I got a bit angry at myself.

Edited it a little. Hopefully that's better...
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Old 09-12-2008, 05:24 PM
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If the darkness and hopelessness are gathering, then I think you can lose the comma, but this does read more clearly now.
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Old 09-12-2008, 05:31 PM
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No, it's more of a call.

When you say
Darkness and hopelessness gather
they already have. Or are gathering.

However, in this instance, I'm saying,
Darkness and hopelessness, gather
as in a command.
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Old 09-12-2008, 06:08 PM
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Well done! Another Crapsey cinquain. I like the idea that "darkness and hopelessness" are being addressed. Capitalizing them, like names, might clarify that!

I wonder if you could use the first two lines more. Little words like "one", "to" and "the" don't convey much. Perhaps if you loosened it from sentence format? As for the semi-colon: the first half is a question, so I feel like it needs a question mark instead of a semi-colon.

A few quibbles about punctuation aside, I like it. Thanks for trying it out!
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Old 09-12-2008, 06:33 PM
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Sorry to make you spell it out for me, SW, but I'm with you now.
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Old 09-13-2008, 02:02 PM
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Ah-haha! I really like this one.

I do agree with HoiLei that you might capitalize "darkness" and "hopelessness" if you're addressing them, as that would make the meaning so much clearer. I enjoyed your explanation though, and got a laugh out of it when I re-read it with that in mind. Nice work!
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:45 PM
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Sorry, Q... if it felt patronising?

Yes, Hoi, I agree. Changed. (the capitalising, not the rest, I'm afraid)
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Old 09-14-2008, 04:50 AM
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Originally Posted by SynonymousWords View Post
Sorry, Q... if it felt patronising?

Yes, Hoi, I agree. Changed. (the capitalising, not the rest, I'm afraid)

No, no, that's fine, SW. I just haven't had my poetry head on for a while.

I like the capitalisation, though. It does help with comprehension.
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