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Cinquain - Cider

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  #1  
Old 09-06-2008, 09:18 AM
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Default Cinquain - Cider


Okay. Heaven knows I need help in the poetry department, so I thought I'd give this a go.


Cider
crushed fruit
golden nectar
sweet fermented apples
crisp and tart, like a stolen kiss
recalled.

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Last edited by Q Wands; 09-10-2008 at 05:56 AM..
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Old 09-06-2008, 09:43 AM
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Hi Q Wands! I see this one's a Crapsey Cinquain, with the 2-4-6-8-2 syllable pattern. Good job! I like the phrase "crisp and tart, like a stolen kiss"... it makes me think about stolen kisses differently: as brief, but exhilarating.

Thanks for posting!
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Old 09-06-2008, 12:29 PM
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Yes, I went for the first method, although I might try one the second way as well. But I'll think of something other than apples for that.
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Old 09-06-2008, 06:37 PM
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I think you should swap the first and last lines. Would kinda complicate it. But I like this.

I'd watch out for the word divine though. It's a little nebulous to put into a poem type that almost needs to communicate exclusively through imagery.

Also consider this:

like a stolen kiss, crisp and tart
crushed fruit


Tart, I think, is a stronger word to end on. But of course here I am trying to Jerry Springer up your nice poem!

Wonderful job! I tried to write one last night and didn't get anywhere.
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Old 09-07-2008, 04:18 PM
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I read this about three in the morning yesterday and then, in the confusion of real life, forgot to come back to this till now.

Your suggestion to swap the first and last lines confuses me. Do you mean to swap divine and crushed fruit? Hmm. I might change that divine anyway, since I agree with the point you make about it being nebulous. Best wait and see what I change it to. The divine only came to mind in the first place because I'd just poured a glass and was anticipating how good it would taste.

As for the other line, my preference was to linger on the stolen kiss and not the reference to the fruit. Although that's what the poem was about. Hmm again. I'll have to think about that. (Five ruddy lines and the woman struggles as though it took some Herculean effort! Lol.)

Thanks for reading and for the suggestions!
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Old 09-07-2008, 04:56 PM
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Depending on where you go with the divine word, that might change my suggestion. I'm entering the patiently wait mode now...
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Q Wands View Post
Five ruddy lines and the woman struggles as though it took some Herculean effort! Lol.
Welcome to poetry! All writing's like that to some degree, but poetry more so. I look forward to reading any revisions you might make. If it ends up being more about kisses than apples, that's fine, too!
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Old 09-08-2008, 04:14 AM
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Cider and love... I like the concept. No other drink has the same associations to love. Think cider it leads to apples, colour, summer, heat, love, kisses... just goes on and on (opt for beer and you get burps (and berks), football, crowds, shouting, fighting, drunken fumbles round the back of an alley...) There's just a pure innocent feel to the imagery used in this - and the form itself worked alongside the words just right in order to give you that sense of a stolen kiss. Liked it.
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Old 09-08-2008, 05:45 AM
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Thank you, Jarin. Much appreciated.
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Old 09-09-2008, 04:27 AM
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Old 09-10-2008, 03:12 AM
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I've changed the last line to get rid of the nebulous divine. (Actually, that word now brings to mind the camp drag queen of that name. *shudders*)
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Q Wands View Post
I've changed the last line to get rid of the nebulous divine. (Actually, that word now brings to mind the camp drag queen of that name. *shudders*)
Is there a repost somewhere then that I missed?
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:55 AM
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Ratbags! It didn't save my change. Guess I'll go back kand try again.

EDIT: *mutters to self, stupid technology*
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Old 09-10-2008, 07:10 AM
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Ratbags...what a wonderful expression. I'm writing it down in my notebook right now.
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Old 09-10-2008, 07:15 AM
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How nice to think I've expanded your vocabulary of silly expressions.
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Old 09-11-2008, 01:49 AM
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'Recalled's' good.

(Lol. Not too sure about the alternative 'ratbags', though!!!!)
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Old 09-11-2008, 02:09 AM
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Thanks for the feedback. I thought recalled sounded all right, but wasn't really sure. The shorter the poem, the harder it is to get the words right. Lol.

Re ratbags, it's amazing what silly things we say to avoid saying what we want.
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Old 09-11-2008, 02:16 AM
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Still nicely done, though!

[Anxiously peers around as first time in new section]
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Old 09-11-2008, 04:03 AM
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Thanks, SW. I know the form is very brief, so not really your sort of thing, but will you be giving it a go? I'd love to see what you can come up with. Something dark, no doubt!
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Old 09-12-2008, 02:09 AM
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Originally Posted by SynonymousWords View Post
[Anxiously peers around as first time in new section]
Yeah - please have a go. I don't tend to wander much further than here (I'm strangled by time) and it would be really good to see some of your work in here, sw.
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Old 09-12-2008, 04:03 PM
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Hah! That's a good idea...

let me see...
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