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Inner Demons

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Old 08-18-2017, 01:08 AM
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Default Inner Demons


I can feel him now...
Yes, he's so close but how?
No...I locked him away
I threw away the key
For a second, for just a second
He could not get to me.
He's on the rise now,
An unquenchable thirst for blood and gore
I thought we'd played this song and dance before and now...
He's back for more
I can feel him there...
in the inner workings of my mind
I fear that I might be too late that I...

you're fine...
Take a breath, then take a seat
Accept it now; your defeat.
Embrace me fool, there's no escape
You had your chance but you're too late
I own you now, this vessel mine.
As I've told you now for the hundredth time
There's no escape...
I am you, and you are me
In the end you knew,
Twas always destined to be
This way...this life, your thoughts, your body and mind...
All mine
Don't dare to step out of line.
I am every thought or notion
of sadness and anger
YOU'RE the one who thinks it!
But I'm the danger?
No, no
Take a moment to think and reevaluate
Because you are the embodiment
of all of this hate
This seething rage,
But enough about you let's turn the page
There's a new emperor in town
So when I stand up, the boy sits down

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Death responded;
Because, you are a beautiful lie, and I am a painful truth. - William Blake
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Old 08-18-2017, 05:30 AM
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I was enjoying reading this up to the fourth or fifth line in stanza two and then it just went all blah …

Let’s get the little nit picks out the way first: I can understand why you’ve emboldened the second stanza but there really isn’t any reason too. The very fact that you’ve separated the stanzas in such a way serves that purpose in my opinion.

There seems to be quite a few ellipses in use – be wary.



I like the use of simple language which makes it instantly accessible. I always use simple everyday language: that is by design, the aim being to give my pieces a contemporary feel, that could easily sit with a conversational label, and hopefully there’s humour in there too. Simple language expressing the everyday in a simple way. Why I feel this goes blah is because the use of that simple language doesn’t support the weight of the idea. For me it lacks depth and insight, and if you’re going to use this kind of language you will need to be a lot more inventive to pull it off. An idea that you may think worth exploring is to give the second stanza a very different voice and use that as your starting point to create an image.



xDrew
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Old 08-18-2017, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by iDrew View Post
I was enjoying reading this up to the fourth or fifth line in stanza two and then it just went all blah …

Let’s get the little nit picks out the way first: I can understand why you’ve emboldened the second stanza but there really isn’t any reason too. The very fact that you’ve separated the stanzas in such a way serves that purpose in my opinion.

There seems to be quite a few ellipses in use – be wary.



I like the use of simple language which makes it instantly accessible. I always use simple everyday language: that is by design, the aim being to give my pieces a contemporary feel, that could easily sit with a conversational label, and hopefully there’s humour in there too. Simple language expressing the everyday in a simple way. Why I feel this goes blah is because the use of that simple language doesn’t support the weight of the idea. For me it lacks depth and insight, and if you’re going to use this kind of language you will need to be a lot more inventive to pull it off. An idea that you may think worth exploring is to give the second stanza a very different voice and use that as your starting point to create an image.



xDrew
Admittedly, yes...this wasn't my best piece or even close to it. Fact is I never intended for it to be, it was something I saw in the back of my mind that I let spill out onto the page. I wasn't striving for perfection with it. It was more a vocal spewing. I wrote what came to me in the moment. So yes, it did go to...blah as you put it. But I'm happy with how it turned out.
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Life asked Death;
Death, why do people love me but hate you?
Death responded;
Because, you are a beautiful lie, and I am a painful truth. - William Blake
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  #4  
Old 08-19-2017, 03:47 AM
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I love the idea.

I've got nothing against rhyming poetry but this particular piece could have been darker, more sinister without rhyme. It gives your demon a pleasantly rounded, unthreatening voice.

I concur with idrew regarding the dashes and ellipses - far more than needed.

Might be an idea to write this in prose first. Keep reducing until you have some powerful and succinct phrases, then use them to reconstruct your poem. Your demon is currently a little bland and vague.

You're on to something - just take it further. I'd love to see this again in its next stage of development.

Appreciate you being brave enough to post something as a brand new member. A great start.

Warm welcome to The Beat and look forward to more from you. x
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
I love the idea.

I've got nothing against rhyming poetry but this particular piece could have been darker, more sinister without rhyme. It gives your demon a pleasantly rounded, unthreatening voice.

I concur with idrew regarding the dashes and ellipses - far more than needed.

Might be an idea to write this in prose first. Keep reducing until you have some powerful and succinct phrases, then use them to reconstruct your poem. Your demon is currently a little bland and vague.

You're on to something - just take it further. I'd love to see this again in its next stage of development.

Appreciate you being brave enough to post something as a brand new member. A great start.

Warm welcome to The Beat and look forward to more from you. x
I am the farthest thing from a new member, I assure you...as I stated before, this piece was thrown together. Raw and uncensored if you will. If you're looking for something with more structure I'd advise looking at my earlier works
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Life asked Death;
Death, why do people love me but hate you?
Death responded;
Because, you are a beautiful lie, and I am a painful truth. - William Blake
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  #6  
Old 08-19-2017, 06:05 AM
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My bad for not noticing your join date - I hadn't seen or remembered your your name.

You didn't ask for feedback on "earlier works".
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Old 08-19-2017, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by vladimus View Post
Admittedly, yes...this wasn't my best piece or even close to it. Fact is I never intended for it to be, it was something I saw in the back of my mind that I let spill out onto the page. I wasn't striving for perfection with it. It was more a vocal spewing. I wrote what came to me in the moment. So yes, it did go to...blah as you put it. But I'm happy with how it turned out.
No comment.



xDrew
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