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  #1  
Old 06-24-2017, 05:54 PM
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Default Take Me


Take me some place I can't think
to drown in waters still and deep
shape me with a sculptor's eye
rock me in your lullaby
play the chords that make me cry
hold me whilst I sleep.

Take me some place I'm not me
no thoughts to think or things to say
ditch the wallet and the keys
get stripped of clothes and memories
to bend and buck like storm-raked trees
then gently float away.

Take me some place I am you
with all your strength and grit on loan
and I can be both rock and flower
yielding warmth and feral power
adversaries for one dark hour
before you head on home.

Make me some place in my head
a warm web woven with a lie
a place where we are young and free
you whisper it was always me
and passion turned to company
before we said goodbye.

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Old 06-24-2017, 06:47 PM
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[QUOTE=Grace Gabriel

Take me some place i'm not me

[/QUOTE]


Thinkin' you intend an uppercase I here.
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Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
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Old 06-24-2017, 10:16 PM
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I ain't no word mechanic, so I don't know what your structure's called, but I like it.

There's a sweet sadness to it, what with the goodbye at the end.
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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Old 06-25-2017, 02:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Thinkin' you intend an uppercase I here.
goddit x
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Old 06-25-2017, 02:24 PM
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This was wonderful Grace! It so fully painted the picture. I wanted to find some favorite image or stanza and was unable to do it. It's a read many times and savor poem. I don't drink brandy in the parlor and read the paper, but if I had either brandy or parlor, I would read this many times and fall asleep with its taste and feel.
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Old 06-25-2017, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Take me some place I can't think

to drown in waters still and deep

shape me with a sculptor's eye

rock me in your lullaby

play the chords that make me cry

hold me whilst I sleep.



Take me some place I'm not me

no thoughts to think or things to say

ditch the wallet and the keys

get stripped of clothes and memories

to bend and buck like storm-raked trees

then gently float away.



Take me some place I am you

with all your strength and grit on loan

and I can be both rock and flower

yielding warmth and feral power

adversaries for one dark hour

before you head on home.



Make me some place in my head

a warm web woven with a lie

a place where we are young and free

you whisper it was always me

and passion turned to company

before we said goodbye.


This is fun and deep like you most always do.

So... shall I pop 'round about seven then?
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Old 06-25-2017, 05:23 PM
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Yeah, seven works for me.

Bit of a headache coming on, so I thought you might like to set up my printer and hang the new shelves ? There's a flat pack bookcase waiting for assembly if we run out of things to do...

oh, and wear something pretty......like a tool belt. x
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Old 06-25-2017, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by KBR View Post
This was wonderful Grace! It so fully painted the picture. I wanted to find some favorite image or stanza and was unable to do it. It's a read many times and savor poem. I don't drink brandy in the parlor and read the paper, but if I had either brandy or parlor, I would read this many times and fall asleep with its taste and feel.

Kirk, you're starting to sound like Sherlock Holmes.

Was it a two-pipe poem old boy? x
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Old 06-25-2017, 05:31 PM
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Bookshelves and assembly I'm down with. Also, if you have any plumbing issues ima champ.

The printer you'll have to leave to nerdier betters. I'm all thumbs there.

Tool belts and work boots I have in spades. I've also got a sexy back brace and a drawer full of tinted safety glasses.
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Old 06-25-2017, 05:34 PM
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You sound like the only straight one out of The Village People lol
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Old 06-25-2017, 06:28 PM
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Yeah, I can't dance and I'm horrible at day to day romance. I'll forget your birthday, our anniversary, the kids birthdays, the dogs vet appointment, that thing we were supposed to do with your friends on Thursday, etc.

And if I'm off for more than two days in a row I'll start taking things apart at the house and 'fixing' them.
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Yeah, I can't dance and I'm horrible at day to day romance. I'll forget your birthday, our anniversary, the kids birthdays, the dogs vet appointment, that thing we were supposed to do with your friends on Thursday, etc.

And if I'm off for more than two days in a row I'll start taking things apart at the house and 'fixing' them.
Jesus Bri...just take me to bed...I'll gladly smother you just to make you stop talking...
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Old 06-25-2017, 09:03 PM
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That's... oh, never mind.
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Old 06-27-2017, 07:25 PM
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You two get a room. You're sounding like Ed and Nok, back in the day (sigh).
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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Old 06-27-2017, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Prodigalson View Post
You two get a room. You're sounding like Ed and Nok, back in the day (sigh).

I can't help myself since BP had his Ken makeover.

I just want to rip his clothes off.

Then choose another cool outfit and dress him again

...and again
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:42 PM
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My shirt is nifty, no?
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
My shirt is nifty, no?
If there was ever any hope of you masquerading as a happenin' young buck on the internet - using the word 'nifty' just blew it grandpa.

(but yeah, groovy threads man...)
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Old 06-27-2017, 09:10 PM
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Ken was never that popular in U.K.

I had an action man called Gary. He was my first love. Eagle eyes, grippy hands and fuzzy hair. I used colouring pens to give him black eyes, nose bleeds and additional combat scars. I made him a plaster cast out of wet toilet tissue and made his hands all better with shaving foam after I snapped his rubber fingers off.

My parents thought I wanted to be a nurse but I just got intense pleasure out of hurting him.

Hmmm...good start to some noir flash fiction?
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Old 06-28-2017, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
If there was ever any hope of you masquerading as a happenin' young buck on the internet - using the word 'nifty' just blew it grandpa.



(but yeah, groovy threads man...)


No happenin' young buck here. That train has passed. I still got a good brain and a sense of humor, though.

And that sick shirt. Shit is dope.
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Old 06-29-2017, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
And that sick shirt. Shit is dope.
*cringe*
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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Old 06-29-2017, 08:33 PM
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Wassa matter? Your manhood threatened?

Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, 'cause that's all haters can do.


You juss jealous.
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Old 06-30-2017, 03:23 AM
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It's pretty rare to see a poem with rhymes at a place like this that works this well.

Is this a recognized structure or did you come up with it?

It's a really beautiful thing about surrender and vulnerability -- but then it seems to end on a note of strength or self-realization.

Really nice job.
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Old 06-30-2017, 06:20 AM
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I really like the structure of this poem - in each stanza the use of tetrameter all the way through except for the last line when it changes to trimeter.

Nice imagery too, and it all flows well. Great work.
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Old 06-30-2017, 06:20 AM
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Both the imagery and the rhyme
work in ways sublime.

Like a painting of a boat,
poised upon an ocean,
every time you look at it
you can feel the world in motion.
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Old 07-01-2017, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Myers View Post
It's pretty rare to see a poem with rhymes at a place like this that works this well.

Is this a recognized structure or did you come up with it?

It's a really beautiful thing about surrender and vulnerability -- but then it seems to end on a note of strength or self-realization.

Really nice job.
No idea really - I just play by ear.

According to Leila's crit, I've got tricycles and tantric going on...
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Old 07-01-2017, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by JP_Inkswell View Post
Both the imagery and the rhyme
work in ways sublime.

Like a painting of a boat,
poised upon an ocean,
every time you look at it
you can feel the world in motion.
J.P, get writing and get your poet's soul in here - there's too few of us.
Thanks for reading x
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Old 07-02-2017, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
No idea really - I just play by ear.

According to Leila's crit, I've got tricycles and tantric going on...
Heh. Yeah -- I write my own lyrics and I just wing the rhymes. I think it's easier, because you're in control of the the beats, you're not expecting anyone else to get it. Plus, it's easier to get away with near-rhymes.

Otherwise -- I've never had a big urge to write rhyming poetry. Maybe I'm just lazy. It's pretty hard to do it right.
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Old 07-02-2017, 10:46 AM
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Yeah, it's always a judgement call if rhyming will enhance or kill a poem. I try hard to mix poetry styles, voices and subjects so there's some diversity. My rule is - if rhyming inhibits or compromises how I want to express something - then I don't do it.

Never studied the recognised structures - Lon would shit a brick
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Old 07-04-2017, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
My rule is - if rhyming inhibits or compromises how I want to express something - then I don't do it.
That's a pretty darned good rule.

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Never studied the recognised structures - Lon would shit a brick
I've read some structured, modern poetry that really works. The beef I used have with LP was mostly about the phony Elizabethan language -- seemed beyond silly to me...
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Old 07-04-2017, 03:20 PM
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My only crit with this would be that I feel it's the wrong piece to use such repeats. Other than that, loved it.


xDrew
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