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Hope in future

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Old 04-24-2013, 01:21 PM
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Default Hope in future


Comes after “Fear of love”, a little different piece.
-----------------------------------------------------------


„Why in the name of everything did you tell her! “ „Good morning to you too Christopher.“ She was just sipping her morning tea when the boy flew in like a hurricane. His red eyes were burning with anger, while his long black hair once again stubbornly defied gravity just to give him a look of even grater fury.
„Oh, don't you good morning me after what you did.“ She barley contained herself from eye rolling. He was such a dramatic child.
“And what exactly did I do, Christopher?” He growled in annoyance at her -I have no idea what are you talking about tactic.-”
“You talked about me with her”
“I don’t know anyone named "her", Christopher.”
“You know who I mean. That annoying girl that never shuts up and likes to hug people.”
“You mean Opal.”
“Yeah, her.”
“So what?”
“I thought you were sworn to secrecy or something like that!!!” he said slamming his fist on table.
“Christopher, that is enough! Sit and calm down right away.” He slammed down on the floor without a second thought. She felt bad for yelling at him like that, but he was really getting out of control and it was her job to keep him in order. She sighed and kneeled next to him. “Look I’m sorry about that, but you really need to learn to control your temper.” No answer. “I just wanted you to make friends, Christopher. Give Opal a chance. She is a very sweet girl.” Still no answer. She sighed and decided to play on his natural curiosity. “Well, to bad you don’t want to talk to me, I just got your final papers and was getting them filled, when you stormed in.” One of his eyes curiously wandered to the desk but he still stayed silent. That meant it was time to play hardball. “But I wasn’t able to fill in any family references, you mind telling me about that.”

He twitched, and looked angrily at her “You know I don’t have a family so why in the world would you bring that up!!”
“To get you to talk of course.” He cursed something at her. “Should I just put in orphan then?” He looked at her in panic, all anger escaping his eyes. They went trough forms way to many times. He knew what being labeled as an orphan meant.
“No, no, no, NO. You can’t do that. They’ll put me up for adoption. I don’t want that I’m not going to let them do that.”
She sighed. She had a hard time explaining this to him and he didn’t take it good at all.
“Christopher, you don’t understand. They are not just going to give you away to anyone. They check up family history and profile before they let anyone adopt a child. This is a good thing; you could finally have a family.” Christopher was very untrusting person. She did not blame him. Poor child was trough hell and back. He experienced so much abuse on every possible level that she was just happy that he was still sane.
“No, I don’t need a family please, Doc, don’t make me do this. It will end badly I know it will. I’m a magnet for trouble and we all know it.”

She smiled at him taking him into her arms. She felt him shiver because of psychical touch, but this time he at least didn’t try to run and hid. That is called progress. “Don’t worry if you don’t feel ready you don’t have to do this. Everything will be okay.” He looked up surprised that she didn’t push him into doing this.
“Thank you, Doc.” He whispered. He really didn’t want things to change. He didn’t want for someone unknown and possibly dangerous to get custody over him. He’s been to way too much pain already. He knew the rules of the game. If you behave you might just get what you want. The trouble was, rules were starting to change, ever since he left the Black Fountain. He wasn’t sure about anything now. Only thing standing between him and his unnamed doom in this world he did not understand was Doc. Owens. His ex-psychiatrist was only one that tried to understand him, only one that tried to explain how the world worked.

“You know it’s really too bad you don’t want this, I had news for you but I guess your just not ready yet.” She sighed, stroking his hair soothingly.
“What kind of news.” He looked up curiously.
“It doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“Oh, come on Doc. You’re not playing fair.”
“It's nothing, Christopher.”
“I want to know.”
“Fine, fine.” She sighed spinning him around so he can face her.
“Remember when I told you about my baby?” He nodded. Her baby died, he remembered. After that she was never able to have children again. It was a sad story.
“Well me and Sebastian were thinking of adoption.” He felt himself stiffen in shock, his soul predicting what’s going to happen next.
“And since I’m not your psychiatrist anymore, we thought who better.” She smiled at him a bit; “But if you’re not ready….”

He hugged her. He didn’t know how or when but he just did it. He usually didn’t like people this close to him. But this was different. He wanted this. He felt comforting warmth spread through his chest. She still stroked his hair, humming silently. She knew the answer even before she asked the question. It was not that Christopher wasn’t ready for a family. He wasn’t ready for unknown people entering his life at this point. He barely ever connected with people, but when he did, does bonds were permanent and deep. She felt his body shake as he nodded, not managing enough strength to voice it out.

She smiled into his hair still humming silently. It was worth it. It was all worth it. Every trial and predicament they been trough was worth seeing this ending. A close for another chapter of his troublesome life. A child raised without love or family, a child treated like a beast or a science experiment, that same child ,that she found half crazed when they first met, was now resting in her arms, overwhelmed with joy and hope. Hope in better future.

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-------------------------------------------------------------------
Better to light a candle then to curse the darkness

Last edited by Wind; 04-29-2013 at 09:37 AM..
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  #2  
Old 04-28-2013, 04:10 PM
dusty79 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Wind View Post
Comes after “Fear of love”, a little different piece.
-----------------------------------------------------------


„Why in the name of everything did you tell her! “ „Good morning to you to Christopher. “ She was just sipping her morning tea when the boy flew in like a hurricane. His red eyes were burning with anger, while his long black hair once again stubbornly defied gravity just to give him a look of even grater fury. Formatting is strange, I'm I missing something? It makes it hard to read. Adding spaces between lines and paragraphs would help, also fix the quotations.
„Oh, don't you good morning me after what you did. “ She barley contained herself from eye rolling. He was such a dramatic child.
“And what exactly did I do, Christopher?” He growled in annoyment at her -I have no idea what are you talking about tactic.-” I don't think annoyment is a word.
“You talked about me with her”
“I don’t know anyone named Her, Christopher.” I would us italics for "her" instead of a capital H.
“You know who I mean. That annoying girl that never shuts up and likes to hug people.” Cute, definitely sounds like something a little boy would say.
“You mean Opal.”
“Yeah, her.”
“So what?”
“I thought you were sworn to secrecy or something like that!!!” he said slamming his fist on table.
“Christopher, that is enough! Sit and calm down right away.” He slammed down on the floor without a second thought. She felt bad for yelling at him like that, but he was really getting out of control and it was her job to keep him in order. She sighed and kneeled next to him. “Look I’m sorry about that, but you really need to learn to control your temper.” No answer. “I just wanted you to make friends, Christopher. Give Opal a chance. She is a very sweet girl.” Still no answer. She sighed and decided to play on his natural curiosity. “Well, to bad you don’t want to talk to me, I just got your final papers and was getting them filled, when you stormed in.” One of his eyes curiously wandered to the desk but he still stayed silent. That meant it was time to play hardball. “But I wasn’t able to fill in any family references, you mind telling me about that.” The formatting for this paragraph makes it hard to read.

He twitched, and looked angrily at her “You know I don’t have a family so why in the world would you bring that up!!”
“To get you to talk of course.” He cursed something at her. “Should I just put in orphan then?” He looked at her in panic, all anger escaping his eyes. They went trough forms way to many times. He knew what being labeled as an orphan meant.
“No, no, no, NO (italics instead of caps). You can’t do that. They’ll put me up for adoption. I don’t want that I’m not going to let them do that.”
She sighed. She had a hard time explaining this to him and he didn’t take it good at all.
“Christopher, you don’t understand. They are not just going to give you away to anyone. They check up family history and profile before they let anyone adopt a child. This is a good thing; you could finally have a family.” Christopher was very untrusting person. She did not blame him. Poor child was trough hell and back. He experienced so much abuse on every possible level that she was just happy that he was still sane.
“No, I don’t need a family please, Doc, don’t make me do this. It will end badly I know it will. I’m a magnet for trouble and we all know it.” What he says here seems forced.

She smiled at him taking him into her arms. She felt him shiver because of psychical touch, but this time he at least didn’t try to run and hid. That is called progress. “Don’t worry if you don’t feel ready you don’t have to do this. Everything will be okay.” He looked up surprised that she didn’t push him into doing this.
“Thank you, Doc.” He whispered. He really didn’t want things to change. He didn’t want for someone unknown and possibly dangers (dangerous?) to get custody over him. He’s been to way too much pain already. He knew the rules of the game. If you behave you might just get what you want. The trouble was, rules were starting to change, ever since he left the Black Fountain. He wasn’t sure about anything now. Only thing standing between him and his unnamed doom in this world he did not understand was Doc. Owens. His ex-psychiatrist was only one that tried to understand him, only one that tried to explain how the world worked.

“You know it’s really too bad you don’t want this, I had news for you but I guess your just not ready yet.” She sighed, stroking his hair soothingly.
“What kind of news.” He looked up curiously.
“It doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“Oh, come on Doc. You’re not playing fair.”
“It nothing, Christopher.” It's
“I want to know.”
“Fine, fine.” She sighed spinning him around so he can face her.
“Remember when I told you about my baby?” He nodded. Her baby died he remembered. After that she was never able to have children again. It was a sad story.
“Well me and Sebastian were thinking of adoption.” He felt himself stiffen in shock, his soul predicting what’s going to happen next.
“And since I’m not your psychiatrist anymore, we thought who better.” She smiled at him a bit; “But if you’re not ready….”

He hugged her. He didn’t know how or when but he just did it. He usually didn’t like people this close to him. But this was different. He wanted this. He felt comforting warmth spread through his chest. She still stroked his hair, humming silently. She knew the answer even before she asked the question. It was not that Christopher wasn’t ready for a family. He wasn’t ready for unknown people entering his life at this point. He barely ever connected with people, but when he did, does bonds were permanent and deep. She felt his body shake as he nodded, not managing enough strength to voice it out.

She smiled into his hair still humming silently. It was worth it. It was all worth it. Every trial and predicament they been trough was worth seeing this ending. A close for another chapter of his troublesome life. A childe (child) raised without love or family, a child treated like a beast or a science experiment, that same child ,that she found half crazed when they first met, was now resting in her arms, overwhelmed with joy and hope. Hope in better future.
The first thing I have to say is to proofread. There are a lot of misspelled words in this which is a shame because the story is actually good. But all those mistakes are really distracting as well as the formatting. I like the banter back and forth between the little boy and the woman, however it doesn't seem that believable that his reaction would be completely happy about being adopted by her. It seems like he would resist a little given the previous dialog in the scene even if in his mind he was happy. Just my take, but overall good job.
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  #3  
Old 04-29-2013, 06:10 AM
erinranning (Offline)
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hey! sweet little story, going for the importance of the little moments that mean everything to those experiencing them and that are difficult to access/understand for outsiders. i agree totally about both spelling and formatting - New speaker, new paragraph is a big one.
I'm going to throw out a handful of things that came to mind as i read. of course, think on them or throw them out, as you wish. they're only thoughts here they are:

1. i don't feel like the boy is fully present to me yet. i needed more than "no answer" as his response. far more. I felt that i wanted to know if he looked at her, or if not where he was staring and how hard. what did he fixate on and how obsessively. i wanted his facial expressions and his cringes and twinges. i wanted to read him by sight and feel like i knew him and his telling signs. why he barred people out and the importance of this lady navigating her way past them so he'd allow her to help him. the stakes of the final resolution are heightened if we feel that she's the only one who can handle him and wants to, hence the need for her to become his parent.
2. she explains her tactic changes as she tries to navigate him. i think you'd be better off letting the reader watch her reactions, her lack of them, her maneouvres, her adaptations. in short, let the reader read her, thoughts and all, caring and tactical as she is, desperate to find his door and get inside his head. turn off the commentary and let the battle commence. let her take big risks to get a reaction from him and give him an equal ingenuity in his countering.
3. why not ramp up the stakes? that was a thought that came to me as i continued. why is it so important for her to become his carer? does it come to her mid-conversation or is it her final tactic? does she have to maneouvre and play him emotionally to get his barriers down enough to admit he wants her to be his guardian? how would she react if he threw something at her? what would she tell herself to stay calm? how would she react if he broke something and frightened her? or insulted her? how far will she go to get through to him? does the scene start with him having done something dangerous or against the rules/law? does it start with him throwing himself into a dangerous situation? what will she risk to get the chance to talk to him? if she doesn't get a result from him, is this his last chance with the law or the school he's at etc?
4. finally, tactical and even logical as she is, maybe she's rigid and rule-abiding, would she show her emotions outright or would it come across in telling signs? Maybe she's the opposite and hugs him even though she's not allowed to.
all just thoughts and questions, but one might add a little more electricity to this tactical/emotional stand-off they have going on here. if not, just ignore them of course!

Last edited by erinranning; 04-29-2013 at 06:18 AM..
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  #4  
Old 04-29-2013, 07:25 AM
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Wow.....Your comment is just that. It gave me a lot to think about. Things I thought about before, and things I didn't. So much information’s, my mind just went "let’s write, let’s write". Unfortunately I have quite a busy week ahead of me so will I be able to write a story that answers your questions soon or not is above me. But still I’m wanted to say thank you very much.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
Better to light a candle then to curse the darkness
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