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Ten Minute Writing Exercise.

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  #61  
Old 05-10-2006, 03:58 PM
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lol kali, yeah when writing it at one point I thought suddenly that the topic / general theme was something you'd write... weird

hamsters!

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  #62  
Old 05-10-2006, 04:01 PM
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yes miss fyodor dostoyevsky is reaking havoc over here..

I n eed to do a ten minute, but essays and real stories call.. do you thik watching this hamster doesnt fall off my bed is like practise for motherhood??
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  #63  
Old 05-10-2006, 04:03 PM
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I didn't do one for a while either but it feels good to get things out... I needed to write just to get some stress out of the way... and lol maybe it is see the pirate captain(ess) does have a softer side...
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  #64  
Old 05-10-2006, 04:09 PM
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lol, somewhere in here I guess theres a heart. my housemate asked me if I was the bitch on this site who told everyone their work was crap.lol
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  #65  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:29 PM
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Hey, Tit, your last one was very nice. A bit strange, but that was mentioned. lol. It has a sense of desperation that I really liked and I also liked how you mention that she used them...that was an interesting way to put it. It was nicely done.

Okay, I did this a bit ago, but I'm just putting it up now:

Her arms were arced and toes pointed in immaculate perfection, while she herself seemed to be lost in the throes of some unseen pleasure. Her every movement, expression, and flutter depicted the utmost sense of urgency and obedience, almost as if an overseer watched with a keen eye, looking for even the slightest mistake. Her sleek torso was well defined in the resplendency of her costume, but its supreme details lost in the darkness of the material. It was a simple black leotard, conforming to her shape.

“Jump,” the overseer cried, “jump higher than you’ve ever jumped before.” Steadily the dancer worked her way across the stage, preparing for the culmination of her efforts. Her feet pushed off the ground abruptly, launching this diamond of the stage into the air. The air coddled her in its arms, carrying her as she willed. Slowly, or so she thought, she brought her body around, creating a momentum that gave a ravishing display. She turned and twisted in the air. She cavorted about in a manner of grace and austerity that left even her overseer rapt.

And as softly as the air had taken her it set her down, relinquishing the child it had nurtured.

"Well done.” The overseer said as the dancer smiled.
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  #66  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:34 PM
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Dephy that was eerie!

I don't know what it was but that gave me chills.. bloody good stuff!
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  #67  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:38 PM
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Thanks Deph... nice job on that one, I agree with kali that it was a bit eerie for some reason, I think for me just the concept of the overseer watching her or something. Nice though.

And lol it's funny, I came to this thread to get a start on my homework and even though it was more than 10 min this place still helped me get it off the ground...
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  #68  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:42 PM
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Hey Kal and Tit....Hehe...I'm glad it was eerie, that's kind of what I was going for. When I was writing it I got this tingly feeling, it was cool. I'm glad you guys liked it.

And YAY!! I gave Kal the chills, that's an accomplishment.

Lol, Tit, you got inspired for homework. Hope that goes well for you.
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  #69  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:43 PM
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It all started with her; that one moment when she walked in the room. My God, she was wonderful, I never even looked at her face, but I knew precisely that she would mirror the beauty on the front of all those “men’s” magazines.
She drove me crazy as soon as I saw her. I hated her, the way she was so fucking different, I mean what was so wrong with being like us, not much to us, but we did alright. It’s true what they say about first impressions, they count. Hers was barely on the chart, the snap judgements were made in double time, and we would have made her life hell. I swear it, she would have left that day tears streaming from her pretty little eyes. We would have, had she not looked at me like that.
there you are, it's the start of my story staring guns and kids.. of course rita is mentioned if not represented in her true glory. I will finish this little baby over the summer, I've promised myself.
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His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
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  #70  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:48 PM
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Oh, I liked hearing you write from this point of view. The comparison to men's magazines was great, it made me laugh, and it gets you interested. "If she hadn't looked at me like that..." That's what really got me...Also, it seemed like a genuine reactions someone would have, about hating someone for being so fucking different, it really seemed to reflect human nature.

Okay, here's my other one (haven't given it a read through yet oh and it was 12 minutes, BTW...I'm bad!):

The mother sat cradling her child, stroking that bald head in maternal affection, relishing the smoothness of a baby’s skin. How sweet she looked. She saw herself in her daughter, chubby cheeks and dark blue eyes, those were hers, but that small amount of dark hair and the thin lips, those were her father’s. Oh, how she fawned over this sleeping child. Running her hands over those delicate fingers, petite and small, and kissing her on the forehead while she laid in her mother’s arms.

The birth had been a troublesome one, filled with difficulties and long hours of labor, but Elizabeth didn’t care. Now, only now, did she understand true love. A being of her own creation, laying in her arms, who cooed in excitement at the simple sight of her was now the focus of her life. Immediately after the birth she had rushed her little joy home.

Even the peals of distress at midnight didn’t annoy Elizabeth. She knew that for the first time her life had purpose. She sacrificed her own desires in favor of those of her daughter.

This night she was greeted with a different cry of distress. It was a muffled one, stifled in the baby monitor next to her bed, but those maternal instincts told her that her daughter was in need. She rose, with a smile on her face, and walked into the nursery, seeing her baby face down on that fluffy pillow. Oh, how sweet she looked, but she didn’t cry at all, she just slept.

Elizabeth took the sleeping baby into her arms and sat with her in the rocking chair, admiring that sweet little child. How innocent and lifeless they look in sleep, she thought to herself. Continuing to pet her daughter.

It wasn’t until her daughter turned cold and blue that Elizabeth cried.
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  #71  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:54 PM
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Dephere, I'm going to worry about you...now!

that was a brillaint ending, fuck me it was really good. chilling thought something told me the baby would be dead before you told me.. maybe it was that unseen watcher form before..

am I in a ballet?
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  #72  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:55 PM
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kali your things always sound so honest, so real... that was good. Er, the semicolon in the first sentence should be a comma lol. What Deph said basically.

Dephere, that was creepy... you're on a roll with the eeriness lately. I have a sudden temptation to go check and see if Toi's alright. You captured a mother's love well and that ending was scary... and we'll forgive you for going over. I probably have before and just didn't notice.
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  #73  
Old 05-14-2006, 03:59 PM
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Thanks guys, I'm really happy my creepiness factor is working out. I tried on that one...wasn't sure if I pulled it off, but judging by those looks I'm guessing it did.

Originally Posted by Kalibantre
that was a brillaint ending, fuck me it was really good.
That made me so happy to hear!!!!

Originally Posted by Titania
I have a sudden temptation to go check and see if Toi's alright.
*slides Toi's lifeless body under the carpet*

She's doing great...no need to check.

I'm on a roll?! It must be the crushed dreams, I know it.

Thanks both of you!
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  #74  
Old 05-17-2006, 07:33 PM
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I'm abit disappointed no one commented or critiqued on my previous entry. Hopefully I'll get a reaction this time with this one.

Sheri stared blankly into the eastern sky as the sun was setting behind her. Even as the wind blew, causing her red evening dress to move and her long hair to billow and flail about to the air's manipulation, she remained impassive. She would once in a while move her white gloved hands up and down her upper arm to fight of the growing chill in the air. She continued to look out into the Atlantic. The glowing red of the setting sun and the autumn Florida air only enhanced her beautiful asian features.


It was at this point that she turned towards the mansion. The cantillion was going on without her. Even at a hundred yards away she could still hear the orchestra getting started. It was then that she noticed someone else coming towards her. Sheri could easily recognize that it was another woman. This woman was japanese, or she at least appeared asian from that distance. Her blue dress clung tightly to her body as she walked the path towards the beach. Her black-gloved arms swung in time to her steps as she made her way towards Sheri. Her hair, done up and held by oriental hair pins, was impassive to the wind's seduction.

Sheri simply turned back towards the ocean.

"Hello, Miayumi", she casually remarked as her friend made her way towards the sea wall.

I have to admit that I went alittle over 10 minutes (about 2 minutes). But I just had to reach that particular point before I could stop.
Enjoy.
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  #75  
Old 05-17-2006, 08:56 PM
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You didn't get a comment because you didn't give any...it's a two way street there, G.
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  #76  
Old 05-18-2006, 02:49 AM
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seems like youre trying too hard here, too descriptive and 'stiff' sounding..

I love the next part about running gloved hands downs her arms.. nice.. seems like you could drop a few pronouns and articles.. "enahnced" isnt really that strong a description, needs a better adj, imo.. anyway, take that all with a grain of salttt
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  #77  
Old 05-18-2006, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Dephere
You didn't get a comment because you didn't give any...it's a two way street there, G.
Well, I wasn't aware of that. There wasn't anything mentioned in this thread or in the rules for Free Writing about this.

I didn't mean to step on anyone's toes and I'm sorry if I did. I'm just trying to get back into writing full time, and I figured that this thread would be a good place for me to do some exercises and get critiqued on them so i can improve.

Anyway...
to Andrew M Gold: Thanks.

After re-reading it, yeah I did drag it out a bit. It's just so hard sometimes when you have a vivid picture in your mind of what you want to write about, but you can't be too wordy with it when describing it. I definately have to work on that, among other things.

Again, thanks for the critique.
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  #78  
Old 05-18-2006, 09:27 PM
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It's not a rule or anything, it's pretty kick back in here, but this is an exercise, so if you want a reply to your writing, then you're probably not going to get it unless you start the ball rolling. (AKA We're all lazy bastards...)
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  #79  
Old 05-19-2006, 12:58 PM
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Sorry about that G-Force, I usually do try to crit or at least react to the one before mine when I post regardless but didn't get to it that time.

Hm, interesting. Definitely a part of something larger. I agree maybe a little overdone, but not bad And I know how hard it is to actually stay within the 10 mins....
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Old 05-19-2006, 11:28 PM
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Hey G, since I'm actually going to write one of my own now, I'll give you feed back. As everyone said it seemed a bit overdone, but with that out of the way it seemed nice enough. I'm not sure I felt a since of it going beyond anything but a small description of a scene...no story line, but as a description it worked. I don't think the "stiffness" really brought the piece down all that much.

12:15

My mind wandered endlessly as I watched TV: from the stale crackers I ate for lunch to the short story I wrote that morning. It seemed relaxing enough. Being out of school made it that much more kick back, but the insistent ring of the phone broke my revery.

The first loud slicing ring was like a warning, snapping me out of my peaceful quietness, but the second one demanded a response, it urgently requested that I answer. Who was I to leave it calling?

I rose in an instant, rushing to the phone and grasping the receiver.

"Hello," I said casually, expecting to hear from a familiar voice on the other end.

"I love you more than you will ever know." Replied a very familiar voice. It was my mother and her solemn tone made me uneasy. Any normal conversation would not have started like that.

"Hi mom!" I said just as casually as my hello, hoping that her tone would change. It didn't. What ensued was a conversation of the utmost importance, for mother and son. She slowly eased me into the news, the news I had been preparing to hear for weeks.

"We'll do what it takes, but it may be a few years." She continued to tell me that my dreams of New York, my hopes at leaving home, were all but possible. They fled my vision and hid in a dark corner, refusing to be seen. I wanted to cry, but I had known, even if it hadn't been confirmed, that it was fleeing from my grasp.

I hung the phone up and sat back in my chair, my thoughts wandering to much more dismal aspects of life. After a few hours I rose, scouring the house for a snack. I finally settled on oreos, reching for the green cookie jar smattered with sunflowers, digging inside for the sweet reward. But before I reached it the dark green top fell from my hands, shattering across the floor. I froze in that awkward moment.

It was a broken dream.

12:28

This is what happened to me today. And it was weird when the top broke, I actually sat there for a second staring at it, a weird feeling creeping up my spine. It was surreal. I knew immediately that I was going to end up writing about it.

Last edited by Dephere; 05-19-2006 at 11:35 PM..
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  #81  
Old 05-20-2006, 05:25 AM
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Oh Dephy! Sweetie I'm so so sorry... wish I could come over there an give you the biggest hug!

But your pain was brilliantly executed. short consice (for you ) but very poignant.. maybe a little too telling but thats mainly becauseitzs so short it's hard to get a showy piece in ten minutes.

well done and again i'm sorry!
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  #82  
Old 05-20-2006, 12:06 PM
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Thanks KAL! When I wrote this I had pretty much accepted and got over it...well, as much as can be expected. lol.

Yes, I wanted it to be short and concise, I'm glad it worked out and that you liked it. It was a bit telling, like you said, but that's how it came out, so I left it.

You're always there for me Kal!
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Old 05-20-2006, 04:09 PM
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I wrote this a couple days back late at night. It took me about 15 minutes... (close enough, right?).

Its about 450 words...


Thumbs. They move in endless circles, twirling around each other upon fists that lay tense upon the grainy, oaken desk. From the hands, arms extended, up to a lean, giant-like body, complete with a dumbfounded expression and wavy golden locks of hair, which covered the figures eyes. His eyes stared blankly, looking into the nothingness at the head of the classroom, wondering. Endless blabber flooded past the studentís ears, which seemed immune to any sort of communication. The student grew bored. His head nodded, and drooped, falling slowly towards the smooth, hard surface. His eyelids collapsed upon the bottom of his eyes, sealing his vision away in the prison known as sleep. A dull Ďthudí resounded as his head hit the desk, yet no one seemed to notice. Lambs were slowly counted one by one; each of them falling into a small, never-filling burlap bag.


The skinny boy stood upon a gaping field of crimson bricks, with an eerie, violet sky looming around him. Transparent glass-like orbs hung in the air as if they were clouds, and slowly changed from large to small, oval to circle, in the deep, lilac emptiness. The student put a hand up to his face, and waved his hair out of his eyes, quickly placing each foot in front of the other, as he did his hands to his pockets. He walked along the brick path as if it was home, as if it was normality. He looked at the glossy spheres, but turned his glance away as if each one was as boring as staring at the blank emptiness of the whiteboard. In fact, the boy didnít notice anything knew: not the purple sky, the spheres, or the solid bricks that were beneath his feet. In the end, the student grew tired of walking, and just sat down, staring blankly into the nothingness of the violet sky.


He felt it. Someone was nudging his boney shoulder. He lifted his head, and quickly put his hands back together, and started twiddling his thumbs. He stared back into the nothingness of the whiteboard, unaware of his surroundings.


A woman, in her mid-thirties, patted his shoulder, smiling at the student with a glowing brilliance. She started to walk away, heading for the single door in the calm, white room, but she turned her head again, back to face the solitary desk in the center of the room. She looked at him and the tranquil state he was in, and for once, she wished she could be just like him.
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  #84  
Old 05-20-2006, 06:49 PM
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hey wisp, one edit I noticed knew should be new.

I really enjoyed that and definitly worth the extra five minutes.. bravo wisp.. bloody brilliant.

errie but nice.. are you going to continue?
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  #85  
Old 05-20-2006, 07:25 PM
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Well, Dephere, that was a nicely written piece. It told a complete story, or at least complete enough to stand on it's own. Your pain and dissapointment definately come through, especially for such a short piece as this.

Not too sure about it being too telling. But maybe that's just me.

Alao, Wisp's piece was good, albeit a tad on the surreal side. Plenty descriptive, but I felt that it was hard to discern where the dream ended and reality began towards the end.

Last edited by G-ForceTG; 05-20-2006 at 07:38 PM..
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  #86  
Old 05-21-2006, 04:03 PM
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I haven't done one of these for far too long. Both Dephere and Wisp, nice job... Dephere *hug* sad but very well written.

Cold are the stones that lie across my grave. Beneath them interred I lay waiting, breathless in every sense of the word, blindly bereaving my sad fate to a world whose ears have fallen mute in their displeasure. It is a day of mourning for you, you who once said you'd wait for me. Long ago in the thralls of summer you promised me the world, announced in a loving voice your never-ending affection. Now you stand by, watching, bereft of that stubborn affliction.

Forever was that day in July, those hours sitting on the fresh-cut grass of the hill beneath the gentle sun, laughing over something so irrelevant only two in the world could understand. No longer than that; eternity only lasted twenty hours. You loved me for eternity. Infinite are the days of my imprisonment, truly ceaseless, truly timeless.

Cold is my heart beneath this grave; cold is the wind I shall never again feel upon my face.

But I'll love you forever. For these few minutes, for the moments it takes me to write these words, I love you.

Forever's over now; eternity's ended. Footsteps upon my tombstone have no power over me.

I don't even know where that came from. Alright, so I know where, but I don't really know what possessed me to write about it. *shrug* the 10 min thread brings out weird things in me.
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  #87  
Old 05-21-2006, 07:56 PM
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Yes, I think I will continue with this. Titania, nice piece. It definately seems diffferent from the other things you have written, but still, quite good.
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Old 06-03-2006, 04:10 PM
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Deph, Wisp and Tit: one word for you all, brilliant. Truly. I got an eerie feeling after reading Wisp and Tit's and Deph, i'm very sorry.

anyways, you guys are great

i had free time at work so this is what i came up with...*shrug*....


Sitting silent on those graying steps, my eyes entranced by the white tops of my Converse, I run that brilliant August day through my mind. The memory of you guzzling down a Dr. Pepper as you stood next to your golf clubs and our resident Princess Obvious saying, “You must be a golfer” are embedded in my brain with amazing clarity. The minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months after that moment play like a teen movie in my head, momentarily distracting me from the present. Suddenly with renewed sense, my focus is drawn to that almost intimate spot, just above my knee, where your fingers rest. Mentally I cringe as pieces of the torture discussion drift through the green, metal door I lean against. As the past runs into the present in my head, I become aware, once again, of where I am. I feel your eyes, blue as the bottom of the sky, trying to sift through my blonde wall of hair. Your tongue plays with the syllables of my name, your smooth lips part and my ears pick up on the beginnings of “please”. Jumping to rest on your leg, instead of my lap, is my hand, halting your words. Immediately your hand gravitates to mine and our fingers take the places they know so well. Again you dangle name, like an innocent pleading for his life from a murderer, only this time the safety my name enjoys in your voice draws my face from behind my hair and I smile. The lines of concern splayed across your face melt away and you pull me close, murmuring “I can’t believe you didn’t say ‘Do you really?’”. I can’t believe I didn’t either. But, beyond that, I can’t believe you don’t ask for those words in return. You accept my silence and my happy smile as I accept your thin skin and reality shocks. We sit there, underneath the peeling overhang, looking at the gloomy promise of moisture the sky holds this muggy afternoon. And as I think I won’t give your arms up until summer, the Goo Goo Dolls new song circles through my head:"Take my hand now/we’ll run forever/I can feel the storm inside you/I’ll stay with you…”
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Old 06-03-2006, 04:19 PM
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I really enjoyed that belle. What is it about this exersice that makes everyone go so reflective??

But I did enjoy reading that excellent flow, you really captured character.

Well done you
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A Girl in Winter.
His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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Old 06-03-2006, 05:42 PM
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really? oh yay. thanks kali.

i was thinking about that too...maybe it's just a reflective exercise. haha. either way, thanks for reading!
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