WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


The Big Pull

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-10-2017, 01:06 PM
Lockette's Avatar
Lockette (Online)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 80
Thanks: 5
Thanks 23
Default The Big Pull


To the passer-by, the man leaning against the First Bank of Grey-water was an run of the mill pedestrian. He was leaning against the wall, swiping around on his phone. That wasn't a suspicious activity, was it? Loitering near a bank, perhaps waiting on a friend to finish depositing a check. Well, he was waiting, but it wasn't for a friend.

Wyzerd, as he had christened himself in the depths of the Internet, was a hacker. And while he was leaning on a wall of the First Bank of Grey-Water, it wasn't some high-tech bank robbery. The shop beside the bank had free wifi. Most free wifi spots weren't encrypted. Data was sent from the phone to the modem and finally to the internet.

Using a program he had written, he could search through the binary code that was being sent to the modem. What he was looking for? Social security numbers, credit card PINs, Bank account info, all the stuff the news preached. He'd then copy it, then send it to the modem. He was the illegal middle-man.

After Wyzerd gathered around 4 different social security numbers, he pushed off the bank and began walking down the road. Again, the passerby saw naught but a blonde haired man walking down the street in a bright red hoodie. His face was short, and his nose was crooked, as if it had been broken.

Walking down the street, Wyzerd noticed a police cruiser parked across the road. Sitting on it, an officer was looking around, arms crossed in an angry fashion. Upon sighting Wyzerd, the officer gave him a wary look, stood up, and stretched. Wyzerd, a little bit peeved at the officer's look, turned the corner and broke into a jog.

Just as he turned the corner, he heard the whine of police sirens a couple blocks away and sped up, jogging just a bit faster now. If the sirens were for him, he was screwed. When he reached the halfway point of the street he was on, a cruiser pulled down the lane.

It was official. He was screwed.

Wyzerd turned into an alley, suddenly aware of the eyes of several people on him. anonymity was his shield, and he'd lost it. Darting down the alley, he shoved a bum down and jumped over an overturned trash can. He heard the yelling of the police officer chasing him. Wyzerd gambled a quick look behind him, and realized it was an FBI agent, not a police officer.

See, Wyzerd was an old hand at this. He'd wracked up almost 200,000 dollars doing his trade. So, in a way, he wasn't surprised it was a FBI officer chasing him. In fact, he welcomed it. They'd finally decided to catch him.

Wyzerd darted down the last 10 feet of the alley and climbed over the fence seperating this alley from another. The FBI agent fired two shots, both missed. Wyzerd climbed up onto a dumpster and jumped up towards the fire escape. The FBI agent fired again, this time just barely missing Wyzerd's left shoulder. He could hear the agent cursing. He pulled himself up and began to ascend, taking the steps two at a time. More bullets grazed by him, as two more FBI agents added their fire. They were waiting for me at the end of the alley? I'm screwed, Wyzerd thought, reaching the end of the fire escape. He jumped up and caught the lip of the building. Pulling himself up, he looked around.

Nothing. No building within jumping distance, no skylights, nothing. not even a pipe he could bludgeon someone with. He was well and truly screwed. In moments, a helicopter would fly over him, with mega-phoned shouts of "Get down on the ground!" He never intended to get caught. Why did fate throw him under this bus? He could hear
the helicopter rotors beating in the air. It was over.

He was almost resigned to his fate when a tiny voice whispered into his ear. " You know a way to escape." Wyzard smiled. They can't catch me there, he thought, and stretched. With a running start, he leapt off the building into the alley below,aiming for the concrete.


~
"Local storeowner Chris Desmond killed himself today after getting chased by police. He stole upwards of 200,000 dollars from residents in the area. The police have not released a statement. The incident occured near the First Bank of Grey-water," The TV reported. The Lady watching it gasped. "Brian! come see this!" She called, pausing the program and rewinding it to play it for her husband. He watched, wide eyed. "That's the man who installed our internet!" he said, running a nervous hand through his hair. "He seemed like an okay guy, who would've thought he was a criminal!"


Last edited by Lockette; 08-11-2017 at 10:04 AM.. Reason: Needed to finish said story/indention problems, Grammar and capitalization issues.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-11-2017, 07:59 AM
JesseK1213 (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 37
Thanks: 16
Thanks 2
Default

I think you can do better than this. There are some grammar and capitalization errors that could be rectified with a second or third pass. Not looking out for and changing those things is a bit lazy.

The sum of money seems odd to me. Why include it? I could see maybe including it at the end as part of the news story, but why earlier? That amount doesn't seem to jive with him being an "old hand."

Would the FBI agent really shoot at Wyzard, an (as far as we know) unarmed man? Especially if he's a hacker - I would think they want to take those types of folk alive. I understand that it adds dramatic effect, but I think FBI agents circling and crowding towards him would be just as powerful.

I can see that you write well, but I think this needs a little more polish and attention.

I really like the news coverage at the ending. Great way to tie everything down.

Thanks for sharing with us.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-11-2017, 09:45 AM
Lockette's Avatar
Lockette (Online)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 80
Thanks: 5
Thanks 23
Default

Thank you for responding!

Looking back over it now, I think it needs much more work as far as plot. I was thinking more of the undertone of the story ( It went from anonymity to wanting to get caught to not wanting to get caught ) but what you said is valid as well. Especially the part with the guns. I was thinking during the writing that they were trying to wing him, but now that seems kinda silly. I guess I'll go grammar hunting now. Never been the best at proofreading, and I severely lacked in that respect here.

The bit with the money amount ( The first one) was to explain why the pursuers made a sudden change from police officer to FBI agent. Most of the time, hackers aren't immediately pursued by the FBI. They have to make a big enough blip on the radar to warrant that kind of attention.

Last edited by Lockette; 08-11-2017 at 09:49 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-12-2017, 02:26 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Online)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,310
Thanks: 1,867
Thanks 1,012
Default

I was really enjoying this until he jumped from the building...everything after that feels tacked on in a rush.

I think it deserves almost the same volume of writing again to steer this to a satisfactory and evenly paced ending.

Nice, crisp writing and you clearly have a great deal of skill under your belt already.

I think this was posted prematurely - just work on the second half to bring it up to scratch. x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-13-2017, 08:16 AM
Lockette's Avatar
Lockette (Online)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 80
Thanks: 5
Thanks 23
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
I was really enjoying this until he jumped from the building...everything after that feels tacked on in a rush.

I think it deserves almost the same volume of writing again to steer this to a satisfactory and evenly paced ending.

Nice, crisp writing and you clearly have a great deal of skill under your belt already.

I think this was posted prematurely - just work on the second half to bring it up to scratch. x
Yeah, It does seem short after that. I'm probably going to expand the news scene, maybe add a couple more. I wrote most of this in a span of 30 minutes to an hour, and editing and revising takes less than that, around 15. I wanted to keep going but I ran out of juice. My next piece will be much bigger, though. And hopefully better paced. Thanks for the nice compliments, it's a real confidence booster.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Lockette For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (08-13-2017)
  #6  
Old 08-24-2017, 06:34 AM
IanG (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 477
Thanks: 14
Thanks 103
Default

If Wyzerd falls to his death by accident while being chased, perhaps then you could leave the shooting out. If he tried to hang on to a parapet but fell just as someone reached out a hand to him, that could be a tension building scene.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-29-2017, 01:50 PM
Lockette's Avatar
Lockette (Online)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 80
Thanks: 5
Thanks 23
Default

Originally Posted by IanG View Post
If Wyzerd falls to his death by accident while being chased, perhaps then you could leave the shooting out. If he tried to hang on to a parapet but fell just as someone reached out a hand to him, that could be a tension building scene.
And that would solve my irk with the plot. Thanks, you've given me an idea
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
push and pull in my brain montana a-10 Poetry 2 06-08-2008 03:17 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:34 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.