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vestal

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  #1  
Old 08-23-2017, 04:23 AM
Leila (Offline)
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Default vestal


invoked from darkness
bred from stillness
I crept to your fireside
unrepulsed

we sit together
while dreams cry
in the cradle,

you bring sustenance, I am keeper
of your flame,
your green-eyed goddess
of heart and hearth, sacred

yet scared, of what will be
when the glow recedes

still I will tend
your dying fire,
while night
calls me back

unseen, I will lurk
at thresholds, among
shades.

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There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne

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Old 08-23-2017, 03:42 PM
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I’m an all or nothing girl and I feel you could give this piece a lot more purpose if it was fully punctuated and use colons and semi colons to give an extra level of justification to the drama, an extra level of application to the image, extra resolution to your words.


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Old 08-24-2017, 06:43 PM
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Particularly like "while dreams cry in the cradle".

Your recent writing seems to be plunging into some pretty dark places (not complaining, it's great.)

If I compare what you're producing now to earlier stuff of yours, there's so much growth. Don't put the pen down now, you're on a roll. x
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Old 08-25-2017, 12:05 PM
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thanks Drew. I do struggle with punctuation in poetry. I'm never sure how much to include. It's something to consider in future.

cheers Grace. Actually this was meant to be one of my more positive pieces - just the fact that the speaker has found someone (even if it might not last). Just wait and see what my really gloomy poetry is like, lol. Anyway thanks again to both of you.
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There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne

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Old 08-26-2017, 06:04 AM
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I like this piece....it's pretty dark but very visual at the same time. While reading I felt as if I was there seeing what you were writing. Great job.
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Old 08-27-2017, 12:13 AM
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thanks Hidrolic. I was trying to play up the whole visual of light and dark, fading from one to the other, that kind of thing. Glad you enjoyed.
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Old 09-15-2017, 05:29 PM
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it writes like a book! very good.
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Old 09-16-2017, 04:57 AM
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Thanks chat. Now that gives me an idea. Probably won't come to anything though.
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Old 09-24-2017, 11:32 AM
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what's the idea?
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Old 09-25-2017, 02:59 AM
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Just that I could turn this poem into a story. But I'm really not very good at writing stories, especially these days.
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