WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Take Me

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #31  
Old 07-08-2017, 09:46 AM
Prodigalson's Avatar
Prodigalson (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Humboldt Co., CA
Posts: 2,009
Thanks: 205
Thanks 357
Default


I knew Drew would find something.

Hey, Drew.

__________________
Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 07-08-2017, 12:55 PM
Myers's Avatar
Myers (Online)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,731
Thanks: 337
Thanks 353
Default

Oh yeah -- there's always "something..."
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 08-22-2017, 09:26 AM
kev's Avatar
kev (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Hull UK
Posts: 408
Thanks: 105
Thanks 62
Icon7

Pulling out lines again Grace.

Take me some place I can't think
rock me in your lullaby
play the chords that make me cry
hold me whilst I sleep.

Take me some place I'm not me
no thoughts to think or things to say
get stripped of clothes and memories
to bend and buck like storm-raked trees.

I can be both rock and flower
yielding warmth and feral power
adversaries for one dark hour
before you head on home.

Take me some place in my head,
a warm web woven with a lie
a place where we are young and free,
you whispered it was always me,
then passion turned to company
before we said goodbye.

You've got strong lines, just as R.i.p. Changed a couple of words and probably changed your meaning. A good poem Grace. I've read four or five poems in the two years since being on this site that stand in a class of their own, this is one of them.
Couldn't resist tinkering with it.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 08-22-2017, 04:03 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,381
Thanks: 1,945
Thanks 1,045
Default

So good to see you back Kev - it's been awhile.

Your feedback is much appreciated - thank you x

I've spent a fair amount of time considering your revision but I'm not too keen Kev...sorry. I'll explain why though.

The whole poem is about a shift in female consciousness. The first six lines are about escapism and abandon - wanting to literally submerse herself in a wordless, physical experience..."to drown in waters still and deep." She's drunk and miserable in a bar...the booze isn't wiping out what she wants to forget...she suggests to a male friend that he "takes her someplace". (it doesn't matter where the reader stages her - as long as the fact that this is a 'no strings' proposition comes across.)

"Shape me with a sculptor's eye" is an important line, I think. She's giving him the control - she's compliant. To step away from poetic euphemism - he can arrange her in whatever sexual position gratifies him - she really doesn't care.

"ditch the wallet and the keys" gives away the roughness and urgency of the situation. Bluntly, if someone is going to lay on top of you in jeans, the keys and wallet can stab through the fabric. This isn't romance...he might not extend her the courtesy of removing clothes.

"Take me some place I am you, with all your strength and grit on loan". She doesn't want to be this weak and broken. The guy is confident and in control and she wants that for herself. Almost as if she can absorb the masculinity that attracted her to him. She wants to challenge him and get a chance to lead, as well as being soft and compliant..."I can be both rock and flower."

If I remove the lines you suggested, I think it takes away much of the meaning and narrative I had intended.

The rhyming structure is tight and unyielding: 0,1,2,2,2,1 with every verse, so removing lines would destroy a meticulously considered structure!

As I said - I really appreciate you giving this piece more than a passing glance.

Hope you're back to post up some work - the poetry section is pretty quiet. We need you Kev. Get writing x


.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 08-22-2017 at 04:27 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 08-23-2017, 02:06 AM
kev's Avatar
kev (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Hull UK
Posts: 408
Thanks: 105
Thanks 62
Default

Oh dear. How could I have missed what means so much to you, yet I saw as weaker lines than the rest, so pulled them out along with your meaning. Thanks for the clarity in your response.

I've been stagnant for a few years, Grace. The only thing I've done is rework some older poems. I'll post one or two in the coming days........off to put the kettle on and clout next doors cat for crapping in my garden.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to kev For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (08-23-2017)
  #36  
Old 08-23-2017, 02:10 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,381
Thanks: 1,945
Thanks 1,045
Default

Originally Posted by kev View Post
Oh dear. How could I have missed what means so much to you, yet I saw as weaker lines than the rest, so pulled them out along with your meaning. Thanks for the clarity in your response.

I've been stagnant for a few years, Grace. The only thing I've done is rework some older poems. I'll post one or two in the coming days........off to put the kettle on and clout next doors cat for crapping in my garden.
Good grief Kev, don't apologise! I take it as a compliment that you felt the urge to tinker - and they may well be weaker lines, regardless of my intention.

Look forward to something from you soon x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
kev (08-23-2017)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:25 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.