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Cancer

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  #1  
Old 09-23-2016, 05:50 AM
whunter (Offline)
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I wandered in the night on her street. Like a ghost, haunting the place we grew up. Her house was dark save for a little light from her sister's old room. She was gone, the family had all moved after it happened. I envisioned a future that never was. A future I always thought about when we'd lie together in the autumn, under the dogwood I carved our names into. What we really want we rarely get, I thought. Maybe it's our hearts that keep us from the pain that our heads seek.

We'd be married by this time, maybe even have a kid. She'd be 20 and I'd be 22, ekeing out a life in the madness of it all. Then it would happen, she'd get sick. When she was diagnosed, we'd have sat together, cried, then pulled it together and figured out a plan. 1) Find a second opinion, 2) find a specialist and 3) settle on the best treatment. It would have been a nightmare for the both of us, but I like to think it would have been easier on her to know I was close. But, maybe not at all.

The moon was low, large and looming over the houses on the block. It was time for me to go. As I drove away, I looked in the rearview in time to catch her sister's old bedroom light flick off. Some kind of bad metaphor, I thought.

(Haven't written in a while so I'm a little bit rusty.)


Last edited by whunter; 10-04-2016 at 06:54 AM..
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  #2  
Old 09-24-2016, 12:04 PM
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You do a wonderful job of capturing emotion. The writing can stand tightening in a few places. Choose more active tense verbs. Your first two sentences can be combined into one.
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Old 09-25-2016, 09:42 AM
Pete (Offline)
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This even invoked heartfelt sensations in me. I would suggest for dramatic effect, perhaps have the numerical steps be a standalone paragraph. But very good
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whunter (10-04-2016)
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Old 09-27-2016, 03:14 AM
IanG (Offline)
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'Save a little light..' Try 'save for a little light...'

Some kind of bad metaphor should be in quotation marks.

Nonetheless this is good for someone who is 'a bit rusty.' Start practicing again.
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whunter (10-04-2016)
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Old 10-04-2016, 06:54 AM
whunter (Offline)
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Thanks all
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Old 10-06-2016, 08:11 AM
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It's a good story... I could nit-pick it, but I'm not.
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Old 01-29-2018, 02:08 PM
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Daww.

Missed out on this all those years ago.
Cancer. Sisters.

Great story.
Say cheese!
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