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Addiction - short, 358 words

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Old 10-03-2014, 06:43 AM
mlp (Offline)
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Default Addiction - short, 358 words


Addiction



David Holcomb sat on his couch, looking at the coffee table in front of him. A tiny bag rested on the wooden surface, its contents taunting David. He knew he should leave the bag alone, and forget what was inside. But tantalizing desire burned within him, urging him to imbibe the one thing that he knew was forbidden.

The moment he had left home in the morning, the desire had begun to grow. He knew as he sat down in the car that his thoughts would dwell on the contents of the bag all day, and that he wouldn’t be satisfied until he had received his fix.

Within seconds after he had returned back to his home he had ingested several of the tiny pill sized objects, which now swam in a pool of his stomach acid – breaking down molecule, by molecule. Chemicals coursed through his body, and he could feel his energy levels beginning to rise and surge with every passing second.

“That’s enough,” said Martha, as she had taken the bag from David. She had sat the clear plastic sack on the table, and glared at him. “Now you don’t touch it. Too much of that stuff is really bad for you. Its ok to have a little, but you need to slow down.”

Anger coursed through David. He hated being told what to do, and had always rebelled against it in some form. His emotions were raw – he had had a long day, and didn’t understand why he couldn’t have the one thing that made him happy. “Please let me have more!” he shouted at Martha. “Just one!” He kicked his feet against the table in a fit of rage, knocking it back half an inch.

Martha spun to face David. He looked up at her with a challenging expression, daring her to say no. “David,” said Martha. “Your mom and dad pay me a lot of money to babysit you when you get home from pre-school. They do that because I know what’s best for you. If you continue to throw a fit, I’ll throw the jelly beans away, and you won’t get anymore….”

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Chayil (10-20-2014)
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Old 10-03-2014, 07:33 AM
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cute
I figured it out about half way but I liked it anyway.

in the advise column, try to rethink the use of the word HAD, ask yourself if it 's really needs to be there for the sentence to read properly and convey it meaning. also consider the tense it implies.

cute piece

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Old 10-04-2014, 05:45 PM
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Thank you. I like to write short little stories that have a tad-bit-of-a-twist

I was feeling whimsical when I wrote this one.
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Old 10-06-2014, 05:51 AM
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This was fun. I like all of the little clues that things aren't all they seem to be, "tiny pill sized objects" and when the Martha character stated "Its okay to have a little, but you need to slow down." (That last bit was the clue to me that lead me to figure out the end). I agree that HAD doesn't quite feel right. The sentence might flow better if it read ".... said Martha, as she took the bag from David."

I really liked it, it might be interesting to see more stories of little David and his take on life as a toddler.
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mlp (10-08-2014)
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Old 10-07-2014, 03:15 PM
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This was a really nice short story and I really liked the twist of the ending. I also agree with what max crash and arkladybug said and switch up the had part, but other than that it was a really well done piece.
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mlp (10-08-2014)
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Old 10-08-2014, 06:58 AM
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Thank you everyone for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read
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Old 10-10-2014, 05:36 PM
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I giggled. The whimsical is definitely showing.

I did know something was up when you wrote "tiny pill sized objects", though.
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Old 10-20-2014, 10:30 AM
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Wow, I laughed. This was great, I totally did not expect that. Brilliantly executed!

It had a good flow, I really liked it!
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Old 10-20-2014, 11:21 AM
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Thank you Chayil
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Old 10-20-2014, 02:31 PM
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Nice flow, loved the twist too. Yes, the "had" thing really does get in the way. My other comment would be try to use more active voice. It seems like that you switch between active and passive. Better to use active all the way through. Also, though i liked the mystery of Martha, perhaps try throwing in something that very stubbly foreshadows her role, the operative word here being "very slightly". Also, try adding more description for the pill sized" objects so to perhaps mislead the reader a bit longer? This way, the twist would be even stronger hehe. Finally, just wondering if it's suppose to read quite formal? Not that it's bad, just curious on my part. Nice read, made me smile.
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Old 10-21-2014, 05:01 AM
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Hey Elisa/win,

Thank you for the encouraging words. In retrospect the "had" thing was a bad idea. Sometimes when I write the words just flow out, and I don't really think about it much - at least not when it comes to small works like this, where I'm just doing it for fun.

I didn't want to give much description to the "pill sized" objects, because I didn't want it to be overly-obvious what they were. I wanted that part to be elusive, and a bit of a mystery.

It was intended to be formal/dry. I wanted the story to be direct, and to the point - with a bit of a twist at the end. Just something to entertain people for a spell.
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