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Contest Results | Fiction | Revenge (January 2007)

 
 
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  #1  
Old 02-01-2007, 12:10 PM
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Default Contest Results | Fiction | Revenge (January 2007)


Congratulations to starpanda and her entry, “Nailing the Cat to the Door,” on being splendidly vengeful and winning January’s fiction contest!

Final Order of Finish:
1. starpanda: 18.1
2. NyteLyfe: 17.8
3. aarankine: 17.3
4. gary_wagner: 17.1
5. Fiestykel: 15.6
6. ronoxQ: 15
Geoffrey Robson: 15
7. kellykat60409: 12.6
8. _zeb_: 10


Scores and comments from the judges can be found below.

Originally Posted by Icarus View Post
Member: kellykat60409
Title: Mind Games


Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 2.5/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

The emotion of your main character was good and I liked how you addressed a theme that a lot of people can identify with, but that was overshadowed by too many mechanical errors (specifically commas) and some useless information (such as the fact that she moved from LA). I also think the suspense and drama would be improved if you had your character narrate in the moment rather than by looking back on events that have already happened.

Score: 10.5/20

**********

Member: ronoxQ
Title: none


Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

I like the hints of sarcasm and drunkenness in your narrator's voice. Very funny in a cruel sort of way. I liked the opening (can I really call it that in such a short piece?), especially the second paragraph. Nice work, but remember to include a title!!

Score: 17/20

**********

Member: gary_wagner
Title: Duct Tape Residue


Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

While I'll never complain too much when the scrawny kid triumphs over the bully, this felt a little bit like a moralistic story, rather than one centered entirely on revenge, and I couldn't help but feel that I knew how it was going to end. Nice characterizations, however, and good overall tone. One suggestion would be to cut out some of the middle stuff (after the first attack).

Score: 15.5/20

*********

Member: _zeb_
Title: Diary of a White Guy


Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

Lots of grammatical errors (lack of punctuation or misuse, fragments). There was really nothing here to pull me in. I liked the fact that the revenge went sour, but I felt no connection to your main character.

Score: 9/20

**********

Member: FiestyKel
Title: Revenge Gone Wrong


Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

I like the tone of this and the way you used slang without overdoing it. The writing was fine, but nothing here really pulled me in. Try rewriting this in present tense (I know, the point is that he's doing this for therapy) - it may help generate more suspense and emotion.

Score: 12.5/20

**********

Member: starpanda
Title: Nailing the Cat to the Door


Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

I love the ending! Great job at bringing back the opening moment. A few errors, but very well written otherwise - I particularly liked your various characterizations, especially of the mother with her casseroles.

Score: 18.5/20

**********

Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: none


Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

I have to admit, this creeped me out a wee bit. I appreciate the character development early on and the bit about Sherry and how he watches her daughter, but it doesn't seem to tie in all that well (other than elaborating on his life) and it feels like you were filling time until you could get to the meat of the story. I think it would be fine to start this story with the writing site.

Score: 15/20

**********

Member: aarankine
Title: Of Frogs and Toadies


Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Very fun! A nice change of pace from the violent revenge that is more typical. I loved your characterizations and the tone of your narrator was great. Good work!

Score: 19/20

**********

Member: NyteLyfe
Title: A Woman Scorned


Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

It's unusual to see things from the POV of the person on the receiving end of some vengeance, so nice job on that. You used underlining for emphasis unnecessarily - strong emotions and words can carry over without this.

Score: 15/20

Originally Posted by Cordatus View Post
Member: kellykat60409
Title: MIND GAMES

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Very good. What stands out in your story is the emotion involved, and how deep the MC was. Pay attention the mechanical aspect of the writing to improve. Very nice idea.

Score: 13/10

-------------------------------------------

Member: ronoxQ
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: I think you painted an extensive scene of the past in such a short piece. The ideas were concise and organized; but it would have been better if the letter was longer.

Score: 15/20

-------------------------------------------

Member: gary_wagner
Title: Duct Tape Residue

Mechanics: 4/4
Intangibles: 5/4
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Very good—easy flow, good description, and a magnificent ending; though there are a few redundancies the reader would not want to know about. Great read!

Score: 18/20

-------------------------------------------

Member: _zeb_
Title: Diary of a white guy

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 6/5

Comments: The pace of story is too fast, and there were many unnecessary things as well. Try to re-word it with more detail, and pay attention to punctuation and capitals.

Score: 10/20

-------------------------------------------

Member: Fiesty Kel
Title: Revenge Gone Wrong

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Good writing Fiesty Kel—unique idea that is quite different to the rest of the entries here. The flow was very good, but it would surely help if you work on the sentence structure a bit. The ending was good, but had to read it twice to figure out what really happened.

Score: 15/20

-------------------------------------------

Member: starpanda
Title: Nailing the cat to the door

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Wonderful story! Effective word usage and stimulating content. At some places, there were too many descriptions that hindered the flow, but a great read overall.

Score: 18/10

-------------------------------------------

Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: What struck me most upon reading this story is the distinctive way the character gained revenge. The flow was good except for a few sentences, and the tense confusion lost me at some places. Good idea though—very nice ending.

Score: 14/20

-------------------------------------------

Member: aarankine
Title: Of Frogs and Toadies

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Good flow and an excellent pace. Although the writing fitted the content of the work; I did not find it entirely stimulating. Very well written and an easy read nonetheless.

Score: 16/20

-------------------------------------------

Member: NyteLyfe
Title: A Woman Scorned

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Comments: Loved it! Ingenious writing and a terrific idea. Good flow, great style, witty and humorous.

Score: 19/20

-------------------------------------------

Great stories everyone! Thank you for writing.

Originally Posted by OnceUponATime View Post
Member: KellyKat
Title: Mind Games
Mechanics: 3
Intangibles: 4
Overall Impression: 7
Comments: Nice writing, KellyKat. I truly identified with your main character, Tara, and this could have been a scene straight out of my own childhood (minus the bloody ending, of course). There were a few grammar and spelling nits here and there, but overall I thought this was nicely done.
Score: 14/20
--------------
Member: RonoxQ
Title: Untitled
Mechanics: 4
Intangibles: 4
Overall Impression: 9
Comments: Short, but to-the-point! Liked your unreliable narrator and how you characterized him. Thought the last few lines were great, showing just how delusional he was. Nice work!
Score: 17/20
--------------
Member: Gary Wagner
Title: Duct Tape Residue
Mechanics: 4
Intangibles: 4
Overall Impression: 9
Comments: Nicely done - a little info-dumpy in places, but overall a great read. I felt sorry for the smaller boy and smiled when the bigger one got his comeuppance. Great story, good pacing and organized very well.
Score: 18/20
--------------
Member: _zeb_
Title: Diary of a White Guy
Mechanics: 2
Intangibles: 2
Overall Impression: 4
Comments: I didn't quite know what to make of this, but I felt sorry for the wife for some reason. A little jumbled and 'telling' in the narrative, made it hard for me to envsion what was actually going on.
Score: 8/20
--------------
Member: FeistyKel
Title: Revenge Gone Wrong
Mechanics: 4
Intangibles: 4
Overall Impression: 8
Comments: Good story, needs some scene building, as this feels 'told' not 'shown.' Plot is good, but ending is a bit confusing to me. All in all, a good story, do keep writing
Score: 16/20
--------------
Member: StarPanda
Title: Nailing the Cat to the Door
Mechanics: 5
Intangibles:5
Overall Impression: 9
Comments: Terrific story - loved the clever use of anti-freeze for the 'not so frigid' newlywed couple. A few tiny nits in places (a couple of dialogue tags needed). This is a fine story of revenge! Awesome writing
Score:19/20
----------------
Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: Untitled
Mechanics: 3
Intangibles:4
Overall Impression: 8
Comments: Well, this is sure a spine-tingling story with a bit of reality injected in for effect. Nice job! Now, I'm wondering if I should ever give another critique...?
Score:15/20
----------------
Member: Aarankine
Title: Of Frogs and Toadies
Mechanics: 5
Intangibles:5
Overall Impression: 7
Comments: A good tale of school-induced horror! Particularly loved this line: ' “Ribbit,” it [the frog] said, in case anyone couldn’t believe their eyes.' Nice work!
Score:17/20
-------------
Member: Nytelyfe
Title: A Woman Scorned
Mechanics: 4
Intangibles:5
Overall Impression: 10
Comments: Wow - where did this come from? Loved this story, especially the internal narrative - it was laugh out loud funny! Great lines throughout, and I adored the ending. Revenge a la mode por la femme!
Score:19/20

Originally Posted by BreezyWriter View Post
Mind Games
kellykat60409


Nicely written in the first person.
Written errors – and instead of an, became become, jeanjeans there are seven such errors that I noticed.
Missing some words: of rubbing her hair.
There was the part that she said she had no friends then later said her friends were away.

All in all fiction was realistic vengefully full of revenge.
Grammar errors were evident.
Because the story had a correct flow from the beginning to the end at the funeral I gave it a + .5

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Total 13.5/20


No Title
ronoxQ


Nice letter, but not really a story. Vengeful but not as active in the revengeful part except where what was repeated. It was noted that he was drunk. The story was also written with a drunken thought . If I received a letter like that I’d know the other person was either drunk or stoned. But still the repetition is what makes it the length that it is.

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

Total 10 /20


Duct Tape Residue
gary_wagner


Nicely written in the 1st and 3rd person.
The story was good very, very vengeful, great revenge served on the net.
Extremely nicely written.
The only place I had any real problem was in a little of the repetition.
And a very slight error.

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Total 18/20


Diary of a white guy
_Zeb_


There are a lot errors that make the story erratic in its statements.
Although vengeful the revenge was not warranted in the right places
I could not feel pain, I could tell how much revenge was wanted.
There are some places where the pain should have been shown, like when the wife was being raped. The pain should have been indicated in his action.
Instead it gave off the impression of; oh she was raped, she asked for it. I’m getting a divorce. As if the writer didn’t care. And yet he went for revenge.

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Total 11/20


Revenge Gone Wrong
Fiesty Kel


I found this writing to be exceptionally good.
You could feel the way they felt.
I gave it a + .5 due to the fact it sounded so real it could have been a none fiction.
The only thing that I found that brought it down, was that some sentences were rather long. And the some movie sounded fractured it did not come off as I expected.

Long
They let me stay home for a week, and Jonah came over one day and we were watching some movie, I cant even remember what it was now.
Could have been said one of these ways:
Some movie or other
a movie
some movies
Long
Jonah and his family, lived on a farm, about ten k’s out of town, and his Dad had a couple of guns for shooting rabbits and roos.

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5 /5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10

Total 18.5 /20


Nailing the cat to the door
Starpanda


Nicely written in the first person.
The implications were nicely written.
There were a few words that were misplaced.
Surprising the way it started off, it gave the impression of an old married couple.
So it was a surprise to find out they, would be married soon.
Well done in showing the boredom that led to the breakup.
Nicely done.

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
[Overall Impression: 9 /10

Total 17/20


No title
Geoffrey Robson


There were a few errors.
The story sounds like a story were there was a turn around. The thought of revenge was very short. It didn’t feel thought out. Most of the story was about what was happening around him.

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Total 15 /20


Of Frogs and Toadies
Aarankine


Nicely said in the first person.
It felt somewhat Chick Lit.
I found only one error.
Revenge was sweet nicely written.

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Total 17.5/20


A Woman Scorned
NyteLyfe


Nicely done, I liked the way the story was written.
Very different from the others.
From the beginning to the end you could see the revenge that was planned.
So it was a complete surprise the way it ended.
A nice surprise, the story threw me right off.
There were a few errors, if it weren’t for that you would have gotten a perfect score.
Nicely written in the first person.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9.5/10

Total 18/20

Originally Posted by azaelkain View Post
Member: Kellykat60409
Title: Mind Games

Mechanics:3/5
Intangibles:3/5
Overall Impression6/10

Comment: The story was good but some word choice was bad. Grammar mistakes and spelling took of some points too. Overall I felt it was missing something.

Score: 12/20

*****

Member:RonoxQ
Title: None

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles:4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comment: Short and sweet I liked it. Some quotes were used poorly, not bad, but poorly.

Score:16/20

*****

Member:gary_wagner
Title: Duct tape residue

Mechanics:4/5
Intangibles:4/5
Overall Impression:8/10

Comment: Good job. The story was good and had a good flow to it but there were several places were the narration lagged. Very little and small mistakes irked me but I still loved the story.

Score:16/20

*****

Member:_zeb_
Title: Diary of a white guy

Mechanics:3/5
Intangibles:3/5
Overall Impression::6/10

Comment: The title was good ‘cause it calls attention. Good job, but I can’t help but feel I was rushed to the ending and with about 1000 words to reach the limit I saw it could be expanded.

Score:12/20

*****

Member:Fiesty kel
Title: Revenge gone wrong

Mechanics:4/5
Intangibles:4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Commentt: Good job on the theme but I thought the flow of the story as a whole was lacking.

Score:16/20

*****

Member:Starpanda
Title: Nailing the cat to the door

Mechanics:4/5
Intangible: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comment: Good job, panda you served and delivered. I love the cliff hanger ending.

Score:18/20

*****

Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: No title

Mechanics:5/5
Intangibles:4/5
Overall Impression:7/10

Comment: To me it felt that different themes were started but none were really finished. Although I like the ending I think you should have focused on one.

Score:16/20

*****

Member:aarankine
Title: Of frogs and toadies

Mechanics:5/5
Intangibles:4/5
Overall Impression:8/10

Comment: Great, we all have met a Tiffany I think.

Score:17/20

*****

Member:nytelyfe
Title: A woman scorned

Mechanics:5/5
Intangibles:4/5
Overall Impression:9/10

Comment: Great job on the dialog and the build up. I loved your story.

Score:18/20

Thank you all for your entries.

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  #2  
Old 02-01-2007, 07:36 PM
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Congratulations, Starpanda. I loved your story. It made me want to go back and write something else when I read it. Nice job, you deserve the award.
  #3  
Old 02-01-2007, 09:05 PM
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Congratulations Starpanda!
Cheers guys, had fun! I actually rewrote that piece after submitting loads of times. No idea if it ended up better or worse, but was fun!
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Old 02-01-2007, 11:00 PM
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congrats starpanda
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  #5  
Old 02-02-2007, 12:54 AM
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Thank you very much my fellow competitors. I have to say that I enjoyed reading everybody's entries immensely and it is an honour to be amongst such talented people.

Hugs and stuff
Tina alias...
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Old 02-02-2007, 12:57 PM
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Congrats, Star!

Had fun writing my piece, and can't wait for the next contest. ^_^
  #7  
Old 02-02-2007, 01:17 PM
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Congratulations, Starpanda! As the others have said, it is well deserved. Also thank you to the judges for their work and comments.

I wanted to share I found it funny that Breezy Writer thought my story felt "somewhat Chick Lit". Not because I disagree (I wouldn't even know, as I've never read anything classified as such), but because the story started out with a boy narrator and a boy bully (vaguely based on one my son had to deal with in first grade, and whose name is still a synonym of "no-good bully who will end up in jail or working for me [my son]" in our family dialect). I had most of the story when I decided to switch it to the other gender, just for a change (I was pretending to be a male in my previous story too). I even worried that the frog thing sounds too much like what a bunch of boys would do... :-)
 

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