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  #1  
Old 10-09-2016, 04:45 AM
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Default Wanted: writers for Hollywood


Please!

I know it's old but I just watched the "remake" of Conan the Barbarian <shudder emoticon>

How could they get it wrong? He's a muscly guy who goes around with his two swords, killing monsters with one, and rooting people with other, and other times rooting monsters with the latter sword and killing people with the former sword. And every now and then he exclaims "Crom!"

You would think it would be impossible to fuck up right?

Actually I think there is a thread dedicated to this - shitty movies - but this movie deserves a whole thread in its entirety as a homage to how crap it was.

Look at what I've been reduced to, expressing my disappointment on the Internet like the ComicBookGuy, I've got to take these things like a man!

No! Fuck! I'm having an existential crisis! I just can't find meaning in a world where they can fuck up a Conan movie that badly! I'm not an existential nihilist anymore, I'm not even a nihilist, I'm going to become a sophist.

Oh would you look at that, some people in London have fences surrounding their property, that must be to keep lions out.

Because the sky is blue everything is actually bluish in colour but our minds subtract the blue colour.

Look at what "they've" reduced me to!

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Old 10-09-2016, 02:31 PM
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Here's a free tip for Hollywood, Conan, in essence is a tall tale, so if you cannot imagine Conan in a bar retelling it as a story, don't put it in the movie.

Here is something Conan wouldn't state <spoiler alert>
"I got a little scratch on my arm so I ran away and jumped into the sea"

Even if that were true Conan wouldn't admit it, now take Conan the Barbarian (the first version)

"I couldn't get my revenge the first time as I was mobbed and crucified"

Now back to the new one;
"I live for love"

Maybe after a few snorts of the black lotus Conan would say that in a bar, but compare that with the old version;

Conan, what do you live for?
"crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentation of their women"
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Old 10-09-2016, 02:58 PM
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So say if there is a guy at work on Monday and he got in a bit of a tussle the previous Friday, the real story would go like this;

"I was leaving the bar on Friday night, I had a few too many beers to drink and had already made a fool of myself with Jenny from accounting. While I was leaving I slipped on some shit on the floor and cracked the back of my head open. I had to go to the doctors and had fifteen stitches put in."

But this is the way he would tell it

"So I’m sitting at that bar on East street, the one I used to run security for a couple of years back, it’s Friday and I’m having a few beers to wash away the memories of the week; eighteen beers later and I’m ready to call it a night. Then in comes three big brutes from the mid-west, corn-fed and ugly as hell, and trying to start some trouble. Not wanting any of it I bend my hat to the ‘keep and make my way out. But one of the brutes king hits me as I walk past. Fortunately, one of the guys who I used to run security with, Earl, sees this, and as he has a duty of care for all patrons on the premises, he does the right thing by grabbing me in a bear hug to stop me from hurting them. But one of the brutes slugs Earl, which causes him to relax his grip on me, and after three sounds that resemble skulls cracking later I’ve said my goodbyes and am on my way home."
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Last edited by PickleBottom; 10-09-2016 at 03:38 PM..
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Old 10-09-2016, 03:03 PM
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That's IMO the essence of Conan, he's a yarn from some long ago fantastical place, where all the bad guys are bigger than barns, and all the women are hot. It is pretty hard to fuck a story up like that, and yet...
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Old 10-09-2016, 07:16 PM
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Ah, but all that would incorrectly imply that screenwriters are responsible for what ends up on the screen.
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Old 10-09-2016, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveHarrison View Post
Ah, but all that would incorrectly imply that screenwriters are responsible for what ends up on the screen.
Yeah, good point, but there would have been a lot of reworking done. I was thinking of a disclaimer they could have used,

Conan the Barbarian - Warning, all characters in this film are purely fictional, any resemblance to any other character, real or imagined, including Conan, is coincidental
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Old 10-10-2016, 12:52 AM
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("...alas it's a vicious circle pickle..." ventured the goblin, adding "...the worse the audience gets the worse the film gets, the worse the film gets the worse the audience gets, where everything out there by them is not there to make you think now, no it's there to make you associate yourself with their values without your noting, simply hollywood is capital hill done better...")

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Old 10-10-2016, 01:31 AM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...alas it's a vicious circle pickle..." ventured the goblin, adding "...the worse the audience gets the worse the film gets, the worse the film gets the worse the audience gets, where everything out there by them is not there to make you think now, no it's there to make you associate yourself with their values without your noting, simply hollywood is capital hill done better...")
Thanks Flea, you have the truth of it
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Old 10-10-2016, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by PickleBottom View Post
Yeah, good point, but there would have been a lot of reworking done. I was thinking of a disclaimer they could have used,

Conan the Barbarian - Warning, all characters in this film are purely fictional, any resemblance to any other character, real or imagined, including Conan, is coincidental
Good idea, but you will never see it. A good guide is to watch the credits and count the number of writers involved. You can then see how many people the producers brought in to 'fix' what the previous writers did.

I have a friend who wrote a contemporary romance which went through several producers, each of which brought in new writers and ideas, until the script became a WWII submarine drama with no female characters! Writing by Chinese whispers...
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  #10  
Old 10-10-2016, 04:06 PM
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There is world of brilliant movies made outside of Hollywood. It just takes a little time to seek them out. (Glad my wife does it for me. )

The last big Hollywood movie I saw was "Gravity." Can't see what the fuss was about. So hokey.
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  #11  
Old 10-15-2016, 03:06 AM
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I did some further research on this film and it was a box office bomb, apparently the studio spent $90,000,000 on this film, for just under $49,000,000 return.

The original film cost $16,000,000 for $130,000,000.
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Old 10-15-2016, 03:30 AM
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Apparently the worst ever Barbarian story was

http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan...n/eyeargon.htm
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_Argon

and it even has rules for reading;
http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/sf/argnrule.htm

But the author was none too happy about the mockery

Maybe this movie tried to take the title?
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If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
-George Bernard Shaw

Last edited by PickleBottom; 10-15-2016 at 03:32 AM..
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Old 10-15-2016, 04:11 AM
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What a classic!

'"You"; ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone'
'Husked the femme'
'She queried bustily'

Surely it was written deliberately bad?
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-George Bernard Shaw
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Old 10-15-2016, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveHarrison View Post
Good idea, but you will never see it. A good guide is to watch the credits and count the number of writers involved. You can then see how many people the producers brought in to 'fix' what the previous writers did.

I have a friend who wrote a contemporary romance which went through several producers, each of which brought in new writers and ideas, until the script became a WWII submarine drama with no female characters! Writing by Chinese whispers...
Hi Steve. Typical story about 'a writer cluster fuck'. The transi btion between screenwriter to the screen has so many people who can't write (but think they can) changing the story, that the original writer goes nuts. It usually means they want to establish their right to stir the story. It's a surprise to hear an original writer feel good about the final screen version.

Screenwriting may be the worse sort of writing anyone who wants fidelity for their work. Not only does the successful screenwriter need bullet proof armor around their feelings but they need social skills to get along with the pychopath capitalists who fund productions.

Studios, independents, above the line, below the line, agents, producers, directors, in fact, most production crew members... they all think they are screenwriters. They just don't have time to do it. Such bullshit.

Thanks for your post. wrc
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