WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


An unexpected encounter

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-09-2009, 02:52 PM
Elizabeth_Wilk (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 43
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Default An unexpected encounter


This is part of my novel. Thank you for reading it and commenting. Any criticism would be greatly appreciated!

THIS STORY is about Hope Russell who is a high school student and around 17 years old! As well guessed by Gaines, Hope is an extremely wealthy girl. Her mum is dead and her dad has only one focus: business! Brayan is in love with Hope. Dr Collins is Brayan's dad.

The scene takes place when Hope comes back from her first day of high school!


It was pouring cats and dogs as the car made its way along the circular paver driveway of her new home. As the wind blew menacingly over the overgrown grasses in the yard, Hope caught glance of a bright-yellow colored form in the front of the unmaintained garden. It could be a ball accidently thrown in their yard by the neighboring kids or something that the strong gusts of wind had carried into the garden. Hope waited impatiently for old Mr Anderson to open the vehicle door and hand her the umbrella. She was curious by nature and always loved investigating her surroundings. She instantly ran across the yard to where she spotted the unmoving form. She held her breath as she uncovered the thing amongst the green carpet of tall grass.

A yellow body with pointed white ears belonging to a kitten was glaring at her. The body was completely drenched in the slashing rain. Was it dead? She unrolled the lifeless cold body so that she could check the pulse. She placed her hand on the kitten’s abdomen in the proximity of the groin area and tried to feel the femoral pulse. The kitten seemed to be still alive but the pulse was very faint.
She placed the kitten in the protective cradle of her arms and rushed into the mansion.

“Mrs Thomas” she yelled

Mrs Thomas, the housekeeper came immediately from the kitchen.
“What’s the matter dear?” asked Mrs Thomas worriedly

“I found a dying kitten in the garden. Could you please call Mr Anderson to take me to a nearby vet?” pleaded Hope.

Mrs Thomas had never seen Hope in such an emotive state before. She went to the kitchen to make the call. Meanwhile, Hope placed the delicate animal in a blanket to warm it up.

Hope was shaking by the time she entered the car which was speeding to Dr Collins’ clinic. According to Mr Anderson, Dr Collins was the best vet in the entire city. Hope felt a surge of protection as she clung the unconscious kitten to the warmth of her body. She had never owned a pet before though she had read thousands of books about animals and secretly wished that someday she would have her own pet. Her dad always said that animals needed stability and moving them around the world would be senseless. The car halted in front of a modern two storey brick building with an outstanding gambrel roof painted reddish brown. She entered into the state of art room endorsed with a brick semi-circle reception.

“Excuse me!” Hope voiced out to the receptionist whose head was bent into something on her desk.

“How may I help you?” she asked politely

“It’s an emergency. I found the kitten in the rain and her pulse is very low. Could you please inform Dr Collins?” pleaded Hope

“Dr Collins is with another patient. I will inform him immediately. Could you please take a seat? I will call you.” said the receptionist
“Please make it quick” requested Hope

Hope was getting more and more nervous. She was already very possessive of the stranger in her arms, which she had picked lifeless in a puddle of rain water. Hope was silently praying and wishing desperately that the animal would survive. Hope glanced around. The clinic was empty and the receptionist still had her nose buried into what seemed like a novel. After fifteen agonizing minutes, Hope felt the last ounce of patience drained from every core of her body. She marched tempestuously to the reception.

“Excuse me. Have you informed the doctor?” asked Hope firmly

“Huh…The doctor is busy with another patient” uttered the receptionist

“I have a kitten on the verge of dying. Do you understand dying? If he was unmeetable, you could have informed me earlier! I have been waiting for the past fifteen minutes” said Hope sharply “I won’t move from here till you call the doctor. Do it right now” screamed Hope

“Look miss…” started the receptionist

A nearby door creaked open. Hope whirled around hoping to see the doctor. To her astoundment, Brayan approached the reception area.

“What’s the matter?” asked Bryan

The receptionist started to explain, but, Hope held her hands up and stopped her on the spot. “I have brought a Kitten who has been soaked in the rain. I have been waiting endlessly to meet Dr Collins. The pulse rate is really low. Please, help me.” implored Hope with tears in her eyes.

“You could have informed us Maria,” retorted Brayan “My dad was not that busy.”

Bryan took the creature from her and went into what seemed like the examination room. Hope was distraught and kept pacing the reception area as if her life depended on it. She wanted desperately to march inside the examination room but she did not dare. She tried to pacify herself and thought that the kitten would survive. It could be hypothermia. Maybe the veterinarian was only performing an active internal on the kitten.

“Hope…would you please come into my dad’s office?” a voice interrupted her thoughts.
An anguish Hope nodded to Bryan unable to speak and followed him inside the room.

“Dad, this is Hope Russell. She brought the kitten in…I’ll see you tomorrow in class, Hope,” said Brayan closing the door behind leaving the private matter between the doctor and his client.

“Hello Hope…I’m Dr Collins” said the vet extending his hands. “Have a seat please… Your kitten is suffering from a mild case of hypothermia” sighed Dr Collins. “It’s a medical condition whereby the animal is unable to regulate its own body temperature due to having been exposed to cold temperatures.”

“Have you carried an internal active on the kitten? Is it fine now?” interrupted Hope hastily

“She is fine, but we will have to keep her under observation for twenty four hours. And yes I have performed an internal active. You seemed to be quite knowledgeable. Are you also interested to pursue a career in veterinary medicine same as Brayan?” said Dr Collins trying to change the subject and lighten the uptight girl

“Maybe...” said Hope thoughtfully

“It is an indeed challenging and thoroughly satisfying career. Maybe we could discuss that someday when you are ready…tell me, what’s your kitten’s name?”

“I think the kitten is a stray one. I found her in my garden. So, I have not decided on a name yet…I’m not even sure if I can keep it.” Said Hope hesitantly

“The kitten is only 3 weeks old and would need constant attention and care, dear…I could put her for adoption in a few weeks. Meanwhile, she will be well-cared in my clinic” said the vet confidently

“My dad and I keep moving a lot…so it is not the best idea for me to adopt a cat” Hope tried to justify.

“I completely understand your situation. I would like to thank you for bringing the cat in here. Many pets are abandoned each year and they end up starving and dying. Caring for a pet is a huge responsibility which people don’t seem to realize much about. Pets need constant care and love….at least you are being honest and understand the stake behind raising such a young animal.” said Dr Collins sadly

That night, Hope lay on bed staring blankly at her ceiling adorned with artificial stars that were giving the room a green-blue reflection. To adopt or not to adopt, that was the question.


Last edited by Elizabeth_Wilk; 07-13-2009 at 06:59 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-09-2009, 04:02 PM
castlesofsand (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 354
Thanks: 0
Thanks 36
Default

hello and welcome to the site.

a nice story here, had a lesson at the end, you could almost make this into a children story with coloured pictures. I actually think it would be worth a buy.

there are a few missing full stops, that could be from the cut and paste so ignore if it was.

i thought glaring was too angry, the kitten was easily handled, beaten, so i didn't sense anger. i'm unsure if stare is strong enough either, unless you add a weak hiss.

the last line about 'should i or should i not' i think is wrong as it seems that its not up to her to make.


other than those lil things and they could be my thoughts disagreeing with what's right, so feel free to ignored.

i enjoyed this read. sad and happy

CoS
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-09-2009, 05:26 PM
Elizabeth_Wilk (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 43
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Icon7

Originally Posted by castlesofsand View Post
hello and welcome to the site.

a nice story here, had a lesson at the end, you could almost make this into a children story with coloured pictures. I actually think it would be worth a buy.

there are a few missing full stops, that could be from the cut and paste so ignore if it was.

i thought glaring was too angry, the kitten was easily handled, beaten, so i didn't sense anger. i'm unsure if stare is strong enough either, unless you add a weak hiss.

the last line about 'should i or should i not' i think is wrong as it seems that its not up to her to make.


other than those lil things and they could be my thoughts disagreeing with what's right, so feel free to ignored.

i enjoyed this read. sad and happy

CoS
THANK YOU so much for reading my piece. I really appreciate your comments:smile:..I am so happy that you enjoyed it, especially coming from a superb writer like you...
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-09-2009, 05:37 PM
ArynKate's Avatar
ArynKate (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tatooine.
Posts: 9
Thanks: 7
Thanks 2
Default

I really liked this story. It had a good moral i believe to it, and like castlesofsand said it could be made into a childrens novel. As I just said, I really enjoyed it. =D
__________________
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. -Janos Arany
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-10-2009, 06:12 AM
Elizabeth_Wilk (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 43
Thanks: 6
Thanks 6
Default Thank You

Originally Posted by ArynKate View Post
I really liked this story. It had a good moral i believe to it, and like castlesofsand said it could be made into a childrens novel. As I just said, I really enjoyed it. =D
Thank You arynkate
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-10-2009, 09:01 AM
Gaines's Avatar
Gaines (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Tidepool
Posts: 7,020
Thanks: 1,464
Thanks 871
Default

It's a nice story with good description. In places, not many, it feels a bit too wordy and needs pared down. A few descriptive word changes could help refine the action you describe. For example you use the word emotive. That's fine but emotive covers a broad range of emotions. Something more like, agitated, pinpoints the emotion she displays.

To say she has read thousands of books is quite a statement. Hard to believe. Dozens would be a bit more believable. I assume this is a young girl.

I would also substitute astonishment for astoundment.

"The car halted in front of a modern two story brick building with an outstanding gambrel roof painted reddish brown. She entered into the state of the art room endorsed with a brick semi circle reception."


The car stopped in front of the modern two story brick building with its two sided double sloped reddish brown roof. Hope entered the state of the art all brick semi circle reception area.

Gambrel is a good word but one not commonly used. Most readers would not know its definition. Some would take the time to look it up, which detracts from the reading, while others wouldn't bother. Either way it could be a distraction.

Endorsed is normally not a word used to describe an object like a building or part thereof. We endorse a check, or a candidate, or an opinion, etc.

In no way do I endorse dumbing down your writing. Just give thought to the average readers vocabulary, especially if you have thoughts of making this a child's story.

As I said earlier I assume this is a young girl. How young is hard to tell considering her commanding presence and choice of words. Mature beyond her years and well educated it appears. Telltale signs of wealth and educated parents or parent no doubt.

The ending could use a little reworking. The play on Hamlet seems out of place.

Being a story about a near dead kitten, and a young girls concern for its' well being, and hoping she can keep it, I think less clinical and a bit more young girl emotion would heighten the plight of the two.

Good story. Hope some of my suggestions are worthwhile.
__________________
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy." Fitzgerald
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-11-2009, 05:43 PM
tanelorn (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 13
Thanks: 4
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

A good overall story. After getting halfway through it, I had to take a 10,000' perspective on it and try to appreciate it on a whole, rather than for its details. As CoS said, there were parts that were hard to believe in the reactions / actions of the characters. But overall, I liked the message.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-12-2009, 01:27 PM
Essence (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: England
Posts: 5,129
Thanks: 57
Thanks 37
Default

As the others have said, it is genreally a good story and would make a pleseant read for children, but I to get the impression that the girl is young and so, as already said, I think you need to make it a bit more realistic; I mean thousands of books? As Gaines said, a dozen would be more believeable. Also, although the girl seems mature for her years, I think she needs to be less demanding or else you could hint some more at her status posisition and the obvious control she has to have her orders to be taken to the vet followed immediantly given her age. I love cats and I believe this story will make for an enjoyable read but it would defiantely benifit to set a clear audience instead of filtering between the young - given the theme - and the more mature - given the lanuage. I hope my ideas can be of some help given that my points are similar to those already mentioned by others.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
chance encounter xfoundlifex Fiction 1 12-04-2008 01:00 PM
An encounter with a tree. Tifted Fiction 1 06-09-2007 05:27 AM
A beautiful encounter moonriver Poetry 5 10-02-2006 07:33 PM
Encounter With Death UrSecretFantasy Fiction 4 07-21-2006 02:12 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:34 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.