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Eric and The Contract.

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Old 09-05-2007, 01:17 PM
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Default Eric and The Contract.

Eric, a twelve year old boy who suffers from short-term memory decided that he wanted to start a business with his best friend Tommy.
Tommy who is one of the smartest kids in Eric’s school agreed to the business proposal and informed Eric that before they can start their business, a mutual contract has to be drawn up in order for them to gain separate legal entity from the business. In other words, Tommy never wanted contractual liability or be held responsible for the debts of the business. With a few minor sighs and a mumble or two, Eric nodded in satisfaction to Tommy’s request.

A week later, in the Monday’s English lesson, Tommy whistled at Eric from the front row. Trying to complete his spelling test Eric heard Tommy’s determined whistle and walked over to Tommy. “Okay, Eric, here’s the contract, all you got to do now is , sign it and then make 2 copies of it, one for you and one for me. Okay?” said Tommy as he had one eye on Eric and the other on Ms King, the English teacher. Eric in total confusion to the 3-paged contract agreed with Tommy and immediately asked permission from Ms King to go to the boys’ room. Tommy, laughing quietly from under his breath watched Eric scamper off in the corridor with the contract in hand.

12:00pm, break time, Tommy waited patiently outside in the school playground for Eric to pitch up with the signed contract and his rightful contract copy. Time grew older and recess was almost over. Tommy, now quite annoyed at Eric’s missing act, decided to sit down and start eating on his lunch. Minutes grew into hours and in a moment recess was over. Eric was nowhere to be seen, and nor was the contract that Tommy drew up.

It was History, and Tommy, who was quite exhausted at being mad at Eric decided to pay some serious attention to Ms Potter who lectured about WW2 and how Hitler deceived the world and slyly attacked Poland (or whatever). Taking notes and sharpening his pencil, Tommy heard a violent slam of the classroom door fly open against the wall. It was Eric, standing with the crumbled contract in one hand, and a pretzel in the other. Pointing at Tommy in statuesque position, Eric yelled out, “You swindled me you deceiving snake!” The class, who was in total shock, started laughing hysterically at Eric’s irrational comment. Tommy who was in total shock, stood up from his desk and snatched the contract from Eric’s hand and slapped Eric across the head with the contract shouting “How dare you accuse me of deceit you ignorant degenerate! I never swindled you I only laid down some rules!” Eric, now rubbing his paper-cut-slapped head, pushed Tommy against the wall and grabbed the contract running to the nearest front desk. Leaping onto the front-row desk Eric stood on it with the contract in his hand, and faced the class replying “Thomas Radcliff Murdock tricked me people! His forming a business with my name in it as his own! Thomas is profiting from my name and I don’t know about it!” The class in total shock of Eric’s outburst started wowing at Thomas.
Meanwhile during the rant in the classroom, Ms Potter, standing back nodding her head in annoyance then mumbled to herself “This is what you get when teaching children with short-term memory problems…”

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Old 09-09-2007, 03:55 PM
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This makes very little sense to me, NocturnalMe. Its weird. If they're in class taking a test, then it'd be silent, so Tommy's whistle wouldn't go unnoticed. The teacher wouldn't allow Eric to walk to the front of the class, and she'd certainly wouldn't allow him to leave class with some paper in his hand, or stay gone so long. I spent so much time trying to understand your view, so i couldn't enjoy this selection. I won't even begin to attack the few errors you made, because in order for a decent critique, you definitely have to consider a rewrite.

and when you do make sure that you clearly develop your characters.

was tommy suffering from short-term memory too? Was the entire class suffering, why did the teacher make a remark like that. Her character should be introduced as well. This clearly is the making of a great story, you simply need to work at it and not rush things.

Yours, SmartyPants
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