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Nomad

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  #1  
Old 09-28-2018, 12:07 PM
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Default Nomad


So I’m moving again.
New on new on new on new on…
The melody plays in my head
The sound of change, the banal, the cliché, the boring.
I haven’t read you in a while, I admit, I missed you.
I need words, not just mine, not just printed, not just formal, not those.
I am a shape of a girl who used to live here, I live there now, I can stay here and I will be alright for a while.
For a little while.
Until the next move.
The next change.
The next something that comes after the somethings that came before.

And they say nomads are extinct.

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Last edited by pralina; 09-28-2018 at 01:16 PM.. Reason: unneeded w
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Old 09-28-2018, 12:56 PM
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Hi,

So I’m moving again.
New on new on new on new on… (enjoy the repetition)
The melody plays in my head (This is a little of a leap for me, I am not sure what melody... i.e. it is setting up the next line rather than developing the last)
The sound of change, the banal, the cliché, the boring. (like it)
I haven’t read you in a while, I admit, I missed you. (really like it)
I need words, not just mine, not just printed, not just formal, not those. (I get the sentiment but "printed" and "formal" feel as if you were reaching a little.)
I am a shape of a girl who used to live here, // (new line) I live there (here) now, I can stay here and I will be alright for a while. ( like it with minor modifications)
For a w little while. (w?)
Until the next move.
The next change. (over-selling it now, the last two lines were enough- actually delete the one above since this bleeds into the next.)
The next something that comes after the somethings that came before. ("the things" remove the "some" and "that came" to improve cadence)

And they say nomads are extinct. (Not sure about this, it does not work for me, seems too thinly related.)

As always, advice is just that, I am not correct necessarily; accept it or not as suits you.

Last edited by Chinspinner; 09-28-2018 at 01:02 PM..
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  #3  
Old 09-28-2018, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
So I’m moving again.
New on new on new on new on…
The melody plays in my head
The sound of change, the banal, the cliché, the boring.
I haven’t read you in a while, I admit, I missed you.
I need words, not just mine, not just printed, not just formal, not those.
I am a shape of a girl who used to live here, I live there now, I can stay here and I will be alright for a while.
For a w little while.
Until the next move.
The next change.
The next something that comes after the somethings that came before.

They say nomads are extinct.
They cannot follow me.

Altered it to show my thought.
You have an unneeded w in your text.
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Old 09-28-2018, 01:28 PM
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Sorry, just noticed you were not even asking for a critique in this forum, sorry, just can't help myself.
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Old 09-28-2018, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post

"They cannot follow me."

Altered it to show my thought.
You have an unneeded w in your text.
Can't they, though? I feel like they are everywhere.

Sorry, just noticed you were not even asking for a critique in this forum, sorry, just can't help myself.
It's all good, I appreciate it.
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  #6  
Old 09-28-2018, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
Can't they, though? I feel like they are everywhere.
Now I understand how you intended the line.
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