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The Ball & the Kite-String Children

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  #1  
Old 02-20-2018, 03:11 PM
spshane (Offline)
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Default The Ball & the Kite-String Children


delete this thread.


Last edited by spshane; 02-22-2018 at 08:43 PM..
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Old 02-20-2018, 04:21 PM
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Good shit.

"Undulating" is the wrong word.

"Wobbles over the edge of next flight of stairs," a bit clunky. May need a determiner to distinguish which flight.

"And down/and down," remove "and" just "down/down" I think would hold better with the image.

Really nice. Thanks for sharing
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Old 02-21-2018, 03:39 PM
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"Reverberating and rolling ever so eventually toward basement musk"

Consider

Reverberating and rolling
ever so...
eventually toward basement musk

So that "ever so" is time for the reader to contemplate. Just a suggestion...

Either way, good stuff. I recommend deleting this thread and publishing this. You should consider posting in members only forum
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Old 02-22-2018, 11:38 AM
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Great poem! I like the movement in it juxtaposed against the stillness of the dog. I like that he/she forgot the ball, though in my experience with my dogs they don't forget. One of my dogs still wants to look up on the chest of drawers for an old ball from years ago that died years ago.
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Old 02-28-2018, 08:05 AM
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AWWH. WHY delete?

I was about to take a couple photos of your work.
oh well.

Next time
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Old 02-28-2018, 04:51 PM
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Hoping they are going to try and publish.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:20 PM
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Oh, well, SpShane is already getting that with a couple other stories they wrote, haha. Good luck on toppling down the stairs with this one SS
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