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Warrior Trials Chapter Three Part One: Camp

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  #1  
Old 08-30-2014, 08:03 PM
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Default Warrior Trials Chapter Three Part One: Camp


I jump as I hear a branch snap behind me. How he could have gone up behind me so quietly I will never know. I abruptly turn around and slam into the biggest guy I have ever seen.

He is literally huge. Think the jolly green giant except not so jolly. He has blonde curls like mine and green eyes. He has a scar on his cheek and left arm like he was in a fight. As I look at him his lips curl up, his eyes harden, and he gives me a look of disgust. He pulls his arm back like he's going to hit me and I hear Mika give a low growl.

That's all the distraction that I need I think as I make a break for it. I run through the green grass, bushes, and branches scattered around as fast as I can. I almost trip on a branch but notice it before I reach it. I get to the camp just in time.

"Aha you must be a new entrant. I would notice those eyes anywhere," Says a kind voice just in front of me. He is really tall but skinny and has glasses covering his light brown eyes. His eyes give off a friendly sparkle and I instantly relax.

What's with everyone and my eyes I wonder. I've had them my whole life and nobody has ever commented on them until last week. At least not in a good way. I was always made fun of. People said that it was a sign of inbreeding or stupidity. I guess they forgot who my grandpa is I think bitterly.

I nod my head and after studying his face I give him a small smile of which he returns. "Is that all of your stuff?" He questions. I nod my head again, "Now, Now. Don't speak too much. Slooow dowwnnn." He says teasing me.

His eyes narrow as he catches sight of the giant" And what are you up to Neil?" He questions glancing between us.

So the jolly green giant has a name. "Oh. Um. Nothing." He stutters looking scared.

I look at him unquestioningly. Why is he scared of this dude. He wanted to eat me like five minutes ago. Why is he suddenly so tame I think to myself. "Ah. I haven't introduced myself yet. I am in charge of these trials and this is my son." He says referring to Neil. "I am Micah Armstrong and what is your name?" He asks while studying my face.

"Oh. Um Melanie. But I prefer Mel." I say with more confidence than I feel.

"Did you sign up? I don't believe that I recognize your name." He says gently.

"Sign up? I was supposed to sign up?" I ask with a worried frown.

He laughs softly at my expression "Don't worry. Since you arrived a few days early, you just need to fill out this form." He says handing me a sheet of paper and a pencil.

I quickly glance through the sign up sheet and relax. The questions are relatively easy. I grip the pencil and begin answering them.

1. What is your name? Melanie Isaacs

2. Who are your parents? Michael Isaacs and Michelle Watts Isaacs

3. Have either of your parents competed before? Yes. My father Michael Isaacs.

4. If you answered the above what place did he/She get? My father got eleventh place. He just missed making it.

5. Why have you decided to compete? I decided to compete because I want to help out my family.

6. Why do you think that you have a chance to become a Warrior Master? I think I have a chance to win because I am very competitive. I always have been. I have also been training practically my whole life and I think that I am ready to be a Warrior.

After completing the form I take a deep breath and pass it to Mr. Armstrong. Before I can make it halfway to him He is already directing me to a building that says registration. I walk to the building and hand the form to a lady with straight black hair and glasses. She looks to be about sixty. She adjusts her spectacles and glances at my form. "Why don't you explore a little?" She says with a kind smile. She hands me a weird looking black box and tells me that it is a pager. "When I have your room ready I will page you. You will feel it shake or vibrate. Ok honey?" She says in a sweet voice.

I nod my head and whisper thanks And walk out of the door. I take in my surroundings for the first time and my breath catches.

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Old 08-31-2014, 03:33 AM
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Hi,
this time the imagery is better than before and the story gets more enjoyable. I really like the idea of "pager" it seems interesting also your way of ending on a hook is great too.
keep it up
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Old 09-04-2014, 07:58 AM
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Default Warrior Trials

I see you've made some revisions. As this is another draft in which you have moved on to another chapter, the story becomes a little more grounding. You have an audience.

This time the characterization is fuller. You risk bringing the narrator closer to the 'other being' and the audience appreciates the ongoing action. We liked seeing this other being react to the narrator's presence.

The added dialogue and introduction of a third character helps to improve the movement of the plot. No longer interior monologue, the third character helps the narrator to deal with the encounter. He to has experienced this other being.

No more suggestions at this time, except that you continue using the dialogue between the narrator and third character to enhance the interior monologue in the previous chapters.
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