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PTSD hot off the keyboard

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  #1  
Old 07-28-2011, 08:00 AM
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Default PTSD---rewritten---


PTSD

Walls stare and
circled eyes
stare back
a thousand yards
through
thick molasses days
and broken nights


Storms rage
and taunt
‘til withered anger
dies on broken stones
bleeding
without
sound

New days
fall on shards
of yesterdays
shattered masks
and shattered walls
that
only worked
a little while

Staring back
into days before
and days after
seeing only
circled eyes

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Last edited by Waterpoor; 07-28-2011 at 02:46 PM.. Reason: needed resusitation
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:10 AM
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To be honest, the only part I liked even remotely was

and shards
of shattered dreams
and shattered walls
that only worked
a little while

and staring back
into days before
and days after


With a topic as fruitful as PTSD, and with the snippet above, this has the potential to be something moving. Right now, though, it's choppy and empty; it doesn't say anything to me at all. It feels like you just looked for the saddest words and ideas you could find and threw them altogether, and this was the outcome.

You need to at least HINT to the reader what exactly is going on, first. Because right now, I've got no idea what you're trying to get at. The only way I had even an inkling was from the title itself. After that, you need to sit down and gather some better word choices and phrases. Finally, you can establish some sort of flow and I'm sure this can be a truly heartbreaking read.

((I'm really new here so if this kind of blunt critique is looked down upon, I'm very sorry and please let me know.))
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:30 AM
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fixed.at.zero
pretty blunt--------ouch! but that's why we expose our work.
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R.
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Old 07-28-2011, 12:47 PM
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I understand the Zero comment. It is a standard reaction to such raw work.

Also
I get you writing this, Waterpoor.

As the say at the Dojo while one is measuring his length on the deck-Gambate.

It's a Nipponese term that means Keep Going.

New Avatar, eh?
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Old 07-28-2011, 12:53 PM
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I like this, the fractured sense of it all comes through. 'molasses days' is a striking description.
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Old 07-28-2011, 01:09 PM
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Thanks guys and girls for the comments. I really appreciate them.

Zero's critique made me feel like I was back in school. Then I would have cringed. Now---I won't say I did.
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Old 07-28-2011, 01:16 PM
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Sheesh, way to make me feel like the bad guy here. I thought that's what we were all here for... feedback. Critique. I understand what you were trying to go for and was trying to help you reach that is all. Perhaps I should've been a bit nicer about it. x.x
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Old 07-29-2011, 06:07 PM
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I'm sorry, I answered this right away and apparently forgot to post it.
Your critique was fine and very helpful. Sometimes we need an ouch to open our eyes. Please take another look and let me know what you think.
Thanks for your courage.
R.
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