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I get so self-centered

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  #1  
Old 02-28-2013, 03:23 PM
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Default I get so self-centered


No- not the New Age, inner balanced (well, actually it is old age- ancient age- times gone by age- pre his... NICK!
wha'- oh, sorry)

Ahem...
Orderin' fries and a cheeseburger, guy ringin' me up, I'm lookin' at this scar on the top of his right wrist.
Looks like an aerial view of dried up streams in the desert.

I gotta ask.

I ask.

Dog bite.

His dog (Lab, Chow, Pit Bull mix).

One Hundred and Two stitches.

I'm seein' it four months post nip.

Asks if I wanna see the picture (says everyone wants to see the picture).

3D is always good enough for me but what the hell- it's his story.

I look.

I saw the face of the Miami Cannibal victim.
This ain't like that.
No blue eye lookin' at ya from the ravaged red flesh.

So I ask how long it took. The clamp time.
Figured it was quick but seemed long.

Wrong.

"Ten to twelve minutes".

He had to break the dog's spine (that broke his life).

Then he had to pry the jaws open.
Only had one useable hand (I asked about this).

He said yeah- I used my foot for opposite purchase (No, that ain't how he phrased it. Twenty somethings don't talk like that. I'm just tryin' to be clear.).

I ask if he had shoes on (Detail huntin' ghoul, ain't I? Hey, it's Florida. Land of the flip flop.).

He had real shoes on.

I told him my 'gator head story (I wrote about this) so he would get why I asked about toes and teeth.

He dug that.


Burn scars- the difference between chemical and fire.
I seen that.

Bullet scars- 9mm and .38 look similar.
Ain't seen a .45.
Hear they are rare on folks that are breathin'.

Knife scars- I got a couple. No big visual deal.

Now dog scars- looks rough.



Thinkin' I'm gonna buy one of those clip it on your belt, cigarette pack size electric stun boxes (no- not a projectile launching taser- this has two nubs that dance electric blue light between them).

Bounty Hunter I know says "Three seconds- bad guy lets go
six seconds- bad guy drops to the deck
ten seconds- bad guy fills his pants"
(real world data is priceless, eh?).

But it ain't bad guys got me concerned.
This is about dogs.
Dogs and poolmen (I been bit twice- a third time ain't got no charm).

So if an unexpected (people have visitors, mistakes happen) Rottweiler comes snarling, charging, bounding my way (unchaperoned) I figure the polite thing to do is blow his nose for him.

Clear his sinuses.




Huh?
Yeah- I think he's tired.
Looks like he's sleeping.

What?

Now that you mention it his fur does look kinda spikey.
Is that some sorta gel they use at the Puppy Pamper Palace?


Last edited by Nick Pierce; 04-15-2013 at 01:45 PM..
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:18 PM
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I like this, but here's the thing: there's a certain art to talking like a "working man." You lay it on too thick, and it just looks like you're trying too hard. Real people try not to be caricatures of themselves.

As it stands, your narrator comes off as someone who is intentionally trying to sound like a blue collar schlub. If you want it to be just a natural part of the character, you should write it in such a way that he's simply failing to conceal his true nature (rather than forcing it down the reader's throat).

Overall I like the style though.
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Old 03-01-2013, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Emerald View Post
I like this, but here's the thing: there's a certain art to talking like a "working man." You lay it on too thick, and it just looks like you're trying too hard. Real people try not to be caricatures of themselves.

As it stands, your narrator comes off as someone who is intentionally trying to sound like a blue collar schlub. If you want it to be just a natural part of the character, you should write it in such a way that he's simply failing to conceal his true nature (rather than forcing it down the reader's throat).

Overall I like the style though.
I get what you say about lingo.

You're in Ireland.
I'm in South Florida (a location that is south of the Deep South in America)

I met many of your countrymen at the range (they rent guns, I go in with them to help make sure the only thing that gets shot is paper). Y'all are a real polite bunch. And I'm almost certain it ain't 'cause you're gettin' pistol instruction (free of charge) from a bearded, ball capped friendly fella with a big ol' 1911 hangin' off his hip.

That being noted I'm gonna get this stuff printed. Stick in my locker. Next time I run into some "God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world" types I'm gonna ask them to give it a read and give me their opinion of the distance between my prose and my gab.

Will pm you with the fresh data.
Good enough?


Of course all this is contingent upon the goverment not bustin' our self defense options down to wistful looks and half audible grumbling.

Uhoh- fresh thought
Emerald- how 'bout I show the op to the bit guy and get his take on the write style?
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  #4  
Old 03-01-2013, 04:04 AM
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Now that I've had morning coffee I realize you may not be on the Emerald Isle. You could be just up the road in Ohio (where the other Dublin is parked).

In that case I don't get that you don't get that a lot of us down here are, ahem..., real personable types with "come on in" mannerisms.

Life is a mystery
Gotta go do a pool now (yeah- this one has a barking, charging skinny dog).

Then I gotta empty out my pick up bed and go back to attacking the rust with POR15.

Then I wanna make some progress on boltin' fenders on the scooter trailer.

Then I need to find the gasket kit so I can put the heads and stuff back on to the '75 Sporty.

Shit- life was a lot simpler when all I did was drink and worry.
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  #5  
Old 03-01-2013, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I get what you say about lingo.

You're in Ireland.
I'm in South Florida (a location that is south of the Deep South in America)
That wasn't the point I was making.
Maybe I was being presumptuous by implying that you don't really talk like that in real life. But whether or not your narrative style is authentic is largely irrelevant: it's about whether or not it reads well.

Take another example. Since you seem familiar with the type, take the leathery whiskey-drenched "aul one" you'd find in the corner of any pub. If you've talked to one of these men, you'll notice there are a few words they're very very fond of using. If you were to narrate something in their voice, as authentic as you could, it'd sound something like:

"C'mere to me, lad. Fuckin' sit down there now, and we'll have a fuckin' gab. Y'know what's been fuckin' wreckin' me fuckin' head lately? These fuckin' bankers. What are they fuckin' at, y'know what I fuckin' mean? These fucks, with their fuckin'... They're fuckin' degenerate gambling fucks, y'know? Fuck 'em, the dirty fuckers. You're better off stickin' yer fuckin' money under yer fuckin' mattress, than let these fucks fuck around with it. Fuck sake. Gets me fuckin' scarlet every time I fuckin' think about it. Buy us another fuckin' pint there, would ya? Fuck it anyway."

It may seem like I'm exaggerating for effect, but I'm really not.
And that's my point: it's possible to be too authentic. Giving the piece a certain flavour is fine, but you need to keep a careful balance to ensure it's still easily readable. If anything, it's better to air on the side of readability over indulging your sense of cultural pride.
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  #6  
Old 03-02-2013, 12:00 AM
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Nick you seem inspired. sad? nah.


Happy go lucky makes the south go merry.

Cheers toya mate.
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  #7  
Old 03-04-2013, 08:29 AM
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Coarse, rough, quite unfamiliar to me in emotions but very impressive. Don't hide it in your locker - it's really good.
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Old 03-04-2013, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by nikolglu View Post
Coarse, rough,
Yaarr, that's me brand.

Thanks for commenting, nik.
Always enlightened by how the work affects others.
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  #9  
Old 03-08-2013, 02:46 AM
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That's a great theme for you Nick. Enlightenment,.
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  #10  
Old 03-08-2013, 05:38 AM
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Originally Posted by maidahl View Post
That's a great theme for you Nick. Enlightenment,.
Been there.
Besmirched that.
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  #11  
Old 03-08-2013, 07:14 AM
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I get that.

But enlightenment wasn't enlightening unless you know you never got it to begin with. And you agree I guess. You would, no? No besmirching the ego.

So I'm told. Former flame/teacher man said so. Made it sound better. I think I agree with him to this date.
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Old 04-15-2013, 12:23 PM
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I was attacked by a pit-bull one time. It leaped from the shadows under the porch as I walked by and got me by the hand. She had me clamped pretty good; I knew if I tried to pull away she'd shred my hand so I clamped back, got a grip on her jaw and jerked her right out to the end of her chain. I held her face right up to mine and roared, "I'll kill you, motherfucker!"

They say my voice has a 'quaker ya in yer boots' quality to it when I get riled up. I never noticed, but then I've never yelled at me. At any rate, I don't know if it was that, or the fact that I had that dog held so tight at the end of its chain that it looked like I was trying to pull it out of it's skin - it's face was all pulled back in a grin and it's eyeballs were rolling around in it's head - but I think she realized the ridiculousness of her situation and she let go.

It's hard to look mean with your face all pulled back in a grin.

We were best buddies after that.

Still have the scars, though.

Last edited by JustcallmeEd; 11-16-2013 at 06:19 PM..
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Old 04-15-2013, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by JustcallmeEd View Post
I was attacked by a pit-bull one time. It leaped from the shadows under the porch as I walked by and got me by the hand. She had me clamped pretty good; I knew if I tried to pull away she'd shred my hand so I clamped back, got a grip on her jaw and jerked her right out to the end of her chain. I held her face right up to mine and roared, "I'll kill you, motherfucker!"

They say my voice has a 'quaker ya in yer boots' quality to it when I get riled up. I never noticed, but then I've never yelled at me. At any rate, I don't know if it was that, or the fact that I had that dog held so tight at the end of it's chain that it looked like I was trying to pull it out of it's skin - it's face was all pulled back in a grin and it's eyeballs were rolling around in it's head - but I think she realized the ridiculousness of her situation and she let go.

It's hard to look mean with your face all pulled back in a grin.

We were best buddies after that.

Still have the scars, though.
I write because I must.

When someone tells me how they connected to a piece- hell, I dunno how to describe it.

But if it gets under my skin deep enough I will write about it.

So I gotta ask- What's the pup's handle?
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Old 04-15-2013, 03:25 PM
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That dog's dead now - that happened twenty years ago, but her name was Misty and she warn't no pup.
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Old 04-15-2013, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by JustcallmeEd View Post
That dog's dead now - that happened twenty years ago, but her name was Misty and she warn't no pup.
Ah, a bitch named Misty.
Now I understand the relationship.
Thanks.
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Old 04-16-2013, 04:58 AM
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Reads fine to me. Reads real.

One thing.

Dogs and poolmen (I been bit twice- a third time ain't got no charm).
This made me think, you've been bitten by how many poolmen?
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Old 04-16-2013, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by CandraH View Post
Reads fine to me. Reads real.

One thing.



This made me think, you've been bitten by how many poolmen?
Well, I am the poolman.
All poolmen have a dog alertness (yeah, now you are seeing my ears perk up).

But I do get how one could read astray of my intention.

Do you see a way to write the wrong?

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 04-17-2013 at 09:33 AM..
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:27 PM
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What?
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Old 04-17-2013, 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted by JustcallmeEd View Post
What?
Perhaps we are drifting from the original intention of posting work.

In reading the piece does the aspect that CandraH refers to present itself to you?
And, if so, do you see a way to restructure the wording?

Thanks,
Nick
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Old 04-17-2013, 08:31 AM
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I may be thick, but I can't get anything definite out of, "...dive pecking my nest is nearby birds". I get that the birds don't like your stun-gun but...?
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by JustcallmeEd View Post
I may be thick, but I can't get anything definite out of, "...dive pecking my nest is nearby birds". I get that the birds don't like your stun-gun but...?

I've removed my self centered comment to CandrahH in an attempt to thin out any thickness you may have been experiencing getting through the critique of the OP.

Now, if you will suffer a bit of reiteration, in reading the piece does the aspect that CandraH refers to present itself to you?
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by CandraH View Post
Reads fine to me. Reads real.

One thing.



This made me think, you've been bitten by how many poolmen?

This, Ed, is the aspect that I am referring to.
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Old 04-17-2013, 03:48 PM
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Yes.

Maybe:

"But it ain't bad guys got me concerned
This is about dogs.
Bad history there; dogs and poolmen (I been bit twice - a third time ain't got no charm)"

Last edited by JustcallmeEd; 04-17-2013 at 03:57 PM..
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Old 04-17-2013, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by JustcallmeEd View Post
Yes.

Maybe:

"But it ain't bad guys got me concerned
This is about dogs.
Bad history there; dogs and poolmen (I been bit twice - a third time ain't got no charm)"

Hmmm.
I see.
Worth consideration.



CandraH... are ye there, lass?
(oh please don't claymore into me for bein' familiar- I'm just a gentle man trying to be conversant)
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Old 04-18-2013, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
CandraH... are ye there, lass?
(oh please don't claymore into me for bein' familiar- I'm just a gentle man trying to be conversant)
Haha, you conversant you.

I'm around - busy studying skulls, but I've always got time for a gentleman.

Truth is, I don't have much in the way of a fix for that section. I can see it reads off but I'm not sure how to sort it in the right voice, rythmn etc.

But maybe...

What about - "Poolmen and dogs. We don't get along (been bit twice - third time ain't got no charm."? It's just a small change but it sorts out he's the poolman and not the one getting bit by them.

So, how's things in your neck of the woods? Since I'm here anyway, I might as well do the social thing and ask after you. I hear it's what normal people do.
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by CandraH View Post
Haha, you conversant you.

I'm around - busy studying skulls, but I've always got time for a gentleman.

Truth is, I don't have much in the way of a fix for that section. I can see it reads off but I'm not sure how to sort it in the right voice, rythmn etc.

But maybe...

What about - "Poolmen and dogs. We don't get along (been bit twice - third time ain't got no charm."? It's just a small change but it sorts out he's the poolman and not the one getting bit by them.

So, how's things in your neck of the woods? Since I'm here anyway, I might as well do the social thing and ask after you. I hear it's what normal people do.
Thanks for your follow up suggestion. Undecided about alterations at this time.

My neck of the woods- Lady, this place sure got a lot goin' on these days. I just doin' what it takes to stay healthy for my wife's ongoing safety and happiness.

"Trouble? Ain't no trouble."
Robert Redford portraying Jeremiah Johnson
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Old 04-19-2013, 02:41 PM
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I really liked the style here. It had a sense of real dry humor to it. I must say I did actually laugh a time or two. This could be short series?
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted by SamanthaCasen View Post
I really liked the style here. It had a sense of real dry humor to it. I must say I did actually laugh a time or two. This could be short series?
dry humor- kinda makes you wanta spit dust, huh?
laughed- good~ maybe I'm startin' to get the hang of this writing thing
short series- uhh, that would be this life I'm livin'

Welcome to the Beat, Samantha.
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:06 PM
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Hello Nick ma Brotha,

Long time and I have missed your quips and quivers with all those sharp barbs stickin' out of it. Long been your "Numero uno Fan" but don't get any ideas, I will never stalk you. I really loved it as I do all you shorts but I agree with Chandra's assessment. I know that your the pool-man but pool-man or postman it just doesn't flow well on that line. I had to take a second look too. But I overlook things like that usually when it comes to your stuff because the content is always gleaming.

Blessings to ya Brother and it's good to read you again.

Cate (Gritsy)
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
My neck of the woods- Lady, this place sure got a lot goin' on these days. I just doin' what it takes to stay healthy for my wife's ongoing safety and happiness.

"Trouble? Ain't no trouble."
Robert Redford portraying Jeremiah Johnson
I forgot about this thread. Oops. Sorry I took so long to reply. I'm not really this ignorant in real life, lol.

Hope you and your missus are safe and sound over there.

I saw your other free writing thread and was about to prattle about stuff but there's god folk in there so I decided better of it. Religion just isn't my thing.
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