Despair and Panic
There are no two greater emotions than Panic and Despair. I don't mean great in the sense of goodness, but rather grandness. Anyone can face these emotions during their life, and boy are they a real bitch. One day both Despair and Panic decided that my mind was under new management. Once they entered they overwhelmed every other emotion previously held. They created a vicious cycle of repetition, one following the other over and over again. First, Despair. All the depressing, horrible, miserable, deprecating, repressed thoughts enter and grasped my mind like a vice grip. There is no escape, after weeks of trying to keep them down and pretending like they aren't serious, the thoughts enter. So too, does Despair. When Despair kicks down your wall of sanity everything grounding you to reality disappears. The people that you love in your life, the happy memories you have, the blue sky, it's all irrelevant. They don't exist anymore. Despair comes and erases out all of those things from your mind and all that you are left with are the dark thoughts you've tried so hard to keep out. This is not a quick process either, Despair enjoys making you wallow in your misery for as long as possible. It's almost as if your drowning in a pool and someone is holding you back centimeters from reaching the surface. After having its way with me Despair decided to let Panic into the party. Panic is the emotional equivalent to GHB. Panic will make you do shit that you would never do under normal circumstances. Panic screams in your ear, "Everything is going wrong, everyone is disappointed, you are the reason for all of this." He continues, "You can't change this, everything you've tried has failed, there is no more hope." Then Panic tells you, "Better do something…" For some people that something is to get off their ass, change their ways, and start anew. For a few it's taking a loaded AR-15 into a market and causing as much carnage and suffering as possible. And for others, it's just making it all go away. Option one has been exhausted, and option two is out of the picture...