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  #1  
Old 09-04-2018, 01:00 PM
Vince (Offline)
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Made to fit together by nature’s long plan
Equal but not the same, this woman and man.
Creation itself blushes with crimson pride
But still to be one, both parties must decide
Games where there is no longer a need
Fighting for the upper hand, all are left to bleed
In the end, no one wins, nothing has been gained
Two not one is left and chaos maintained.


Last edited by Vince; 10-13-2018 at 01:29 PM..
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  #2  
Old 09-04-2018, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Made to fit together by nature’s long term plan
Equal but not the same, this woman and man.
Creation itself blushes with a crimson pride
But still to be one both parties must decide
Many games where there is no longer a need
Fighting for the upper hand left behind to bled
In the end no one wins nothing has been gained
Two still not one is left and chaos is maintained.
The cadence is off, it does not read smoothly. Read it, there are too many syllables in some lines.

I like the rhyming scheme, I like the intention, cut those lines down to the bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife, and you have a really good poem.

It is a mouthful atm.
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Old 09-04-2018, 02:44 PM
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thanks Chinspinner - made some changes
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Old 09-04-2018, 03:01 PM
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We were made to fit together
This woman and this man,
Equal but not the same,

We blushed with Crimson pride,
And could not decide which side,
to choose, and instead planted a seed,
and the need grew until pride must
cede.

Yet she peed on her captors face,
and in disgrace he ran; that day
his humiliation began, San Andreas
is a game, I am the man with no name.
Look at me I am a face in an art frame.

Or something like that.
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Old 09-06-2018, 08:38 AM
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I see what you are saying but then It would be your writing not mine. I guess I'll just have to struggle.

thanks for your help.
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Old 09-06-2018, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Made to fit together by nature’s long plan
Equal but not the same, this woman and man.
Creation itself blushes with crimson pride
But still to be one both parties must decide
Many games where there is no longer a need
Fighting for the upper hand left back to bled
In the end no one wins nothing has been gained
Two still not one is left and chaos maintained.
This is lovely, except for the line:

fighting for the upper hand left back to bled

I can't make sense of that but I love the rest.
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Old 09-06-2018, 12:36 PM
Vince (Offline)
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Glad you liked Grace. Changed that line. I couldn't get to work either.
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Old 09-26-2018, 02:47 PM
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nice one. kinda messy. too many ideas in one. pretty cool sounding when read aloud.
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Old 09-28-2018, 08:33 AM
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Glad you liked Box - its like me too many thoughts and kind of flaky
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Made to fit together by nature’s long plan
Equal but not the same, this woman and man.
Creation itself blushes with crimson pride
But still to be one both parties must decide
Many games where there is no longer a need
Fighting for the upper hand all are left to bleed
In the end no one wins nothing has been gained
Two still not one is left and chaos maintained.

I like this version. I read it three times to fully understand it though. The struggles between man and woman are great; and this piece seems to touch on the biological differences that have become political issues.
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:43 PM
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Sh'nette,
Glad you liked - it is the times in which we live - it is very sad to see things come to this
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Made to fit together by nature’s long plan
Equal but not the same, this woman and man.
Creation itself blushes with crimson pride
But still to be one both parties must decide
Many games where there is no longer a need
Fighting for the upper hand all are left to bleed
In the end no one wins nothing has been gained
Two still not one is left and chaos maintained.
Yeah, my pissed-ness was poorly used here. I tried to turn it into just another tedious whatever...

Equal but not the same, this woman and man. (interesting)
Creation itself blushes with crimson pride (like it)
But still to be one both parties must decide (it goes a little wrong here, does not make immediate sense, reading things twice to obtain meaning ruins a poem- or maybe I am just stupid maybe a simple comma after "one" would help?)
Many games where there is no longer a need ("Many" feels unnecessary and an interruption "Games where there is no longer a need" Or "Many games without need")
Fighting for the upper hand all are left to bleed (use commas)
In the end no one wins nothing has been gained (use commas)
Two still not one is left and chaos maintained. (reads odd. Don't get it. "Two still" - why does that belong here?"[/QUOTE]

Sorry for flippancy earlier.

Last edited by Chinspinner; 10-13-2018 at 06:39 AM..
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Old 10-13-2018, 06:34 AM
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Chinspinner,
Thanks for the second look. I often forget about commas, they do make it more clear. And in many cases less is much betterr Will make thoses changes. Glad for the help. When writing we can become blind in one (or both) eyes

Last edited by Vince; 10-13-2018 at 06:39 AM..
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Old 10-13-2018, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Chinspinner,
Thanks for the second look. I often forget about commas, they do make it more clear. And in many cases less is much betterr Will make thoses changes. Glad for the help. When writing we can become blind in one (or both) eyes
haha, I owe you thanks for noticing my drunken brain fails to spell comma correctly
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Old 10-13-2018, 11:27 AM
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ha ha ha - its worse than that I'm dyslexic
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Old 10-13-2018, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Vince View Post
ha ha ha - its worse than that I'm dyslexic
Yes, dyspraxia can be awful
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Old 10-13-2018, 11:42 AM
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I nue you would under the stand.
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