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Old 08-16-2012, 05:55 PM
Gameboy86 (Offline)
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Default Advice on opening scene


Hi guys, I've just begun to write a fantasy novel and I'm hoping to be able to make a brand new world come to life and just wanted to get the opinions on my opening scene. I'm trying to make my writing as beautiful as I can so imagery is really important.

If you're able to give any help and advice, then please feel free

----

On a brisk Scottish morning, two crystalline droplets of condensation are born atop the glistening frozen leaf of an old elm tree. Delicately, they glissade along the slippery surface, before meeting for the first time at the leaf's tip. The twins embrace and become one. They hang briefly off the edge, before letting go, and beginning their flight to the ground. At first, their descent is slow, and the breeze gently kisses their flank. They pirouette behind spotlights of bright Winter sunlight, which have managed to penetrate the lush forest ceiling. If they are discovered, their journey would be quickly over, and they must surrender their young bodies to white demons in the sky.

Before long, the speed at which they fall increases, causing the twins to lose grip of one another. They continue at the same speed, avoiding passing hazards, such as the protruding finger of a nearby tree and a falling leaf, which swiftly swoops underneath, from left to right. One of the twins clip the silk of a spider's web, causing it to veer slightly off course, and descend into a frantic spin. Fragments of its liquid body separate and whirlwind off in every direction. One or two fragments are spotted, and are quickly obliterated into thousands before not one can be seen. The yellow predator has quenched the thirst of the white demons briefly, but it has not yet finished its hunt.

As the droplets zip over and under another two beams, they can see their destination. They streamline their bodies by stretching them vertically, and cut through the cold air. As they reach the bottom, the two droplets lose momentum and eventually land gracefully on the forest floor. But their journey is not over quite yet.

On the warm, wet floor, a new adventure awaits the newborns. After regaining some energy for a few seconds, they flatten their bodies and hunt for small pores within the loamy soil where they can bury completely out of sight and avoid the blistering columns of bright yellow, which will dissolve their tiny bodies in the blink of an eye.

Quickly, they spread out, leaking their watery innards into every orifice they can find. A small gap in the ceiling above gives way to another floodlight, this time bigger than any which have been hunting before. The droplets know they have milliseconds left before they are found, and use every last ounce of energy they have to push every last drop of liquid into every last hole in the ground. The soil around them quickly begins to heat, and they can feel their bodies disintegrating. The beam is fired from the heavens and hurtles to the ground like a lightning bolt, just as the last bubble of liquid is forced into the soil. The droplet twins have escaped this time. But the white demons in the sky rarely go thirsty when the blinding orb of light is on the hunt.

----

Thanks for any input.

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Old 08-16-2012, 06:05 PM
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Two many words for my besotted mind, pal. They seem pretty and sometimes redundant in the message conveyed. I believe a finer eye or two will be along soon enough to help you comb out any tangles.

Best of luck with your work
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Old 08-17-2012, 02:56 PM
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I think it's very descriptive. I could see it all in my mind quite clearly. You also have a fantastic hook in the first paragragh that instantly had me wanting to read more about who these twins were and what exactly was after them. Good job. x
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Old 08-25-2012, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Gameboy86 View Post
Hi guys, I've just begun to write a fantasy novel and I'm hoping to be able to make a brand new world come to life and just wanted to get the opinions on my opening scene. I'm trying to make my writing as beautiful as I can so imagery is really important.

If you're able to give any help and advice, then please feel free

----

On a brisk Scottish morning, two crystalline droplets of condensation[Wow. Too many big words, you could drop "condensation" and people would still understand.] are born atop the glistening frozen leaf of an old elm tree. Delicately, they glissade[Use more understandable words, this isn't the SATs. I recommend "glide". :P] along the slippery surface, before meeting for the first time at the leaf's tip. The twins embrace and become one. They hang briefly off the edge, before letting go, and beginning their flight to the ground. At first, their descent is slow, and the breeze gently kisses their flank. They pirouette behind spotlights of bright Winter[No capitalization] sunlight, which have managed to penetrate the lush forest ceiling. If they are discovered, their journey would be quickly over, and they must surrender their young bodies to white demons in the sky.[You flip-flop tenses in this sentence, which makes it jarring and hard to understand.]

Before long, the speed at which they fall increases, causing the twins to lose grip of one another. They continue at the same speed, avoiding passing hazards, such as the protruding finger of a nearby tree and a falling leaf, which swiftly swoops underneath, from left to right. One of the twins clip the silk of a spider's web, causing it to veer slightly off course, and descend into a frantic spin. Fragments of its liquid body separate and whirlwind off in every direction. One or two fragments are spotted, and are quickly obliterated into thousands before not one can be seen. The yellow predator has quenched the thirst of the white demons briefly, but it has not yet finished its hunt.

As the droplets zip over and under another two beams, they can see their destination. They streamline their bodies by stretching them vertically, and cut through the cold air. As they reach the bottom, the two droplets lose momentum and eventually land gracefully on the forest floor. But their journey is not over quite yet.[Didn't one just get destroyed? You continue this mistake through the rest of the story so I won't point it out again, but I recommend you fix the continuity issue...or clarify that the one falling apart in the air did not, in fact, evaporate.]

On the warm, wet floor, a new adventure awaits the newborns. After regaining some energy for a few seconds, they flatten their bodies and hunt for small pores within the loamy soil where they can bury["Bury" is something you do to another object or person, "burrow" is when you bury yourself. You should probably use "burrow" here. completely out of sight and avoid the blistering columns of bright yellow, which will dissolve their tiny bodies in the blink of an eye.

Quickly, they spread out, leaking their watery innards into every orifice they can find. A small gap in the ceiling above gives way to another floodlight, this time bigger than any which have been hunting before. The droplets know they have milliseconds left before they are found, and use every last ounce of energy they have to push every last drop of liquid into every last hole in the ground. The soil around them quickly begins to heat, and they can feel their bodies disintegrating. The beam is fired from the heavens and hurtles to the ground like a lightning bolt, just as the last bubble of liquid is forced into the soil. The droplet twins have escaped this time. But the white demons in the sky rarely go thirsty when the blinding orb of light is on the hunt.

----

Thanks for any input.

It's interesting but I can't comment on the marketability of a story about water droplets. :P

I'm sure somebody else will be through to point out more flaws.
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