WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Prologue for my unnamed story

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-06-2010, 06:44 PM
Dalt (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 12
Thanks: 1
Thanks 0
Default Prologue for my unnamed story


This is the prologue of a story I recently started. I have already been told it is a bit stilted. Please critique it so I can do a rewrite and hopefully improve on it. Please don't laught [I]too[I] much...


“They’re coming,” grunted the man, looking through the window. “We need to go, now!”

“What about our baby?” wailed the woman, pacing the apartment.

“He’ll be safe with your sister, they don’t know about him.”

“How would you know?” she demanded, anger and worry creeping into her voice.

“They haven’t tried to kill him yet.”

Rain drummed loudly on the roof, lightning occasionally illuminating the cloudy night. The man paused, a pained look on his face.

“I’m sorry,” the man said, sadness in his voice, hugging the woman. “I didn’t want it to be this way.”

“You said we’d be safe…” she mumbled into his chest.

“I…” the man’s voice caught and he pulled away. “We must go, he’ll be safe… I hope.”

With that, the couple raced out of the apartment, into the frigid night.

Feet drumming on the pavement, the man and woman ran, unheeding of the cries of alarm and annoyance as they pushed past the few people who would walk the streets at this time, in this weather. Another group of people followed in hot pursuit.

“In here!” the man grabbed the woman and dragged her into a tower of apartments. The residents had been evacuated due to damage to some of the supports and walls, making the whole place unstable. There were no workers present in the middle of the night.

The group following the couple entered the building. They split into small groups and started searching the main lobby.

“Wait until they–“ BANG! The wall above their heads exploded in a flash of blue light, showering them in rubble.

“RUN!” yelled the man.

“Not without-“ started the woman.

“Don’t worry ‘bout me, GO!”

One of their pursuers laughed, shooting a glowing bolt of energy at the woman from his hand.

“NO!” yelled the man, a look of dread on his face as the bolt shot towards the woman. A semi-transparent barrier snapped into place around the woman, dissipating the bolt as it hit. She was almost at the door. Then a man appeared out of nowhere and blocked the doorway, a pistol in his hand, pointed at the startled woman. BANG!

“NOOOO!” cried the man, unleashing the anguished cry of a man who had just lost his beloved.

A harsh voice cackled. “These mortal weapons do have their uses, I suppose,” remarked the man at the door, throwing away the gun. He turned to the man, who had sunk to his knees, shock and anguish on his face. “Now, it is time to be rid of you, my troublesome friend.”

The man on his knees turned to the one who had just spoken, a look of murderous rage on his face. With a yell, the man threw out his arms. A wave of pure force radiated from him, like a nuclear explosion, ripping furniture, walls and people to shreds. The earth rumbled and the wind tore at the whole city. The man glowed with power, burning up, his flesh unable to contain it. With a terrible rumble, the building collapsed, and the man disappeared.

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-07-2010, 01:25 AM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Hi Dalt,

The prologue certainly pulls you in. Very exciting stuff. BUt the whole 'man' - 'woman'thing in the begining could be done better, as it's a little off putting.

I look forward to learning more about your story.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-07-2010, 01:46 AM
craigw08's Avatar
craigw08 (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Liverpool UK
Posts: 42
Thanks: 1
Thanks 4
Default

I enjoyed that. it does really pull you in. I agree with Redlorry about the 'man' and 'woman' bit at the start.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-07-2010, 04:50 AM
Arvik's Avatar
Arvik (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The Local Group
Posts: 85
Thanks: 1
Thanks 8
Default

I'll third that: very interesting opening. I thought the last paragraph in particular was quite vivid. I definitely want to know what happens next.

I did notice that you mention people's expressions a lot. "...a pained look on his face," "...a look of dread on his face," "...a look of murderous rage on his face." While this is more interesting to read than "he was afraid," or "he was angry," it is a little repetitive. Perhaps you could focus more on what they're doing with their faces. People bite their lips, they frown, sometimes they go pale... just a thought.

If you're worried about sounding stilted, try reading it out loud. Actually hearing it may help you find ways to strengthen your work. It can also help you catch things that don't quite make sense. For example:
The residents had been evacuated due to damage to some of the supports and walls, making the whole place unstable.
This sounds as though the evacuation has rendered the building unstable. A quick read-through for small things like that will help the piece flow even more.

Overall, I think you've got a good start. I'm really worried about that baby. He's okay, right?
__________________
Intergalactic Writers Inc:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Getting 'er done one word at a time.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-07-2010, 09:22 PM
Dalt (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 12
Thanks: 1
Thanks 0
Default

Thanks guys! Now that you mention it, the 'man' and 'woman' thing is very off putting. Any suggestions of what could be done to that? And Arvik, you have a great point. And yes, the baby is fine. You'll understand later on...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-08-2010, 10:06 AM
Shikkui (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: California
Posts: 106
Thanks: 20
Thanks 11
Default

maybe try using "he and she" or any other pronouns in the beginning to keep it mysterious...
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-08-2010, 10:43 AM
EpicMoose (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 10
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Originally Posted by Dalt View Post
Thanks guys! Now that you mention it, the 'man' and 'woman' thing is very off putting. Any suggestions of what could be done to that? And Arvik, you have a great point. And yes, the baby is fine. You'll understand later on...
I actually enjoyed the man and woman thing, but I seem to be the minority. It seems to me that because we are unaware of their names, that their names are simple "the man" and "the woman". If that makes sense.

You did a great job of drawing the reader in immediately, which is something most stories have trouble with. The descriptions are rather sparse, but it works pretty well to keep the suspense in this case.

Some specific things that could be improved (in my opinion):

"Rain drummed loudly on the roof, lightning occasionally illuminating the cloudy night."

I'm not sure if that is grammatically correct, so if it is then just ignore this. I think it would sound better like this, however.

"Rain drummed loudly on the roof, and lightning occasionally illuminated the cloudy night.

“They’re coming,” grunted the man, looking through the window.

Same thing.

“They’re coming,” grunted the man as he looked through the window.

With that, the couple raced out of the apartment, into the frigid night.


Again.

With that, the couple raced out of the apartment and into the frigid night.

I'm not sure if the way you wrote it is actually incorrect or not. It just sounds more natural to me the way I wrote it. This isn't to say your opening wasn't good, because it definitely was.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-08-2010, 03:05 PM
Dalt (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 12
Thanks: 1
Thanks 0
Default

Wow, thanks to everyone. This has been massively helpful. EpicMoose, I have no idea if my way or your way is right, but I think your way works a bit better. I'll rewrite and see
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Planning - How do you do it? Gessekai Tips & Advice 49 06-11-2010 06:54 AM
A few tips how to post your story here and make me read it ChickenViking Tips & Advice 56 12-13-2009 01:39 PM
QWF: Quality Women's Fiction Jay Writing Markets 3 06-07-2006 02:08 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:34 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.