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water

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  #1  
Old 08-21-2018, 05:10 AM
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Default water


when life
dictates
it is because it meditates
it wants to push
the state of
sedate to a scape without
a lake
drying out is particle
of this ethical
and
plenty of water levitates
life is made of disorder
trepidation is part
of this order.

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a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind

Last edited by Nacia; 08-22-2018 at 02:15 PM..
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  #2  
Old 08-22-2018, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
when life
dictates
it is because it meditates
it wants to push
the state of
sedate to a scape without
a lake
drying out is particle
of this etical
and
plenty of water levitates
life is made of disorder
trepidation is part
of this order.
I think I was a tosser, but cannot find the quotes that prove it. Nvm, I am still not happy with this.

when life
dictates
it is because it meditates (it life? Life not someone for us to care about, but life?)
it wants to push (it? Life?")
the state of
sedate to a scape without (what does this mean? The state of sedate? i.e. "sedated", "to scape" that has multiple meanings, a sleeping fan is scaping something while sleeping?

a lake
drying out is particle
What?
of this etical
ethical? Dunno, it makes no sense.
and
plenty of water levitates
life is made of disorder
trepidation is part
of this order.
Potentially an interesting closing line if the rest were not twattery
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  #3  
Old 08-26-2018, 03:36 AM
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Chinspinner thank you for going through this piece.
I read your comment and the word twattery made laugh in a good way.
I guess i have just have to see if I can go through it again.
Mucho appreciation.
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life is a pound
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it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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  #4  
Old 08-26-2018, 05:01 AM
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When life dictates,
When life meditates,
It seems to sedate,
The keenest of minds.

As water is atomised,
and each constituent part
is itemised,
and each border denied,
We must surmise that
Life is order,
Yet trepidation,
Provides disorder.

Something like that?
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Old 08-26-2018, 05:34 AM
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perfect I will read this again and comment.
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life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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  #6  
Old 08-26-2018, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
When life dictates,
When life meditates,
It seems to sedate,
The keenest of minds.
Interesting.

As water is atomised,
and each constituent part
is itemised,
and each border denied,
Haha this comes across as a science lesson
In a good way of course.

We must surmise that
Life is order,
Yet trepidation,
Provides disorder.
I went the opposite way from your suggestion.
Mine was life sometimes incur disorder in order to establish order.

I enjoyed reading your version
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life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
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  #7  
Old 08-26-2018, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
Interesting.



Haha this comes across as a science lesson
In a good way of course.



I went the opposite way from your suggestion.
Mine was life sometimes incur disorder in order to establish order.

I enjoyed reading your version

It is my interpretation of your (admittedly messy) poem. Do whatever you want with it, including deleting it. Look forward to the revision.
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